revisions

So here’s this guy, overweight and so unattractive to me because John is - let’s be honest a hunk - or in my mind I think he is a very attractive man. Doesn’t any man who is in love with a woman, and he is at this time, whom sees this taking place with another man, be jealous? Well of course, I realize in retrospect now. But then, it’s just fun for me, so I have no idea that at this moment it drives him away from me. I assure you our miscommunication doesn’t end there though, many things are going in so many directions, with so many factors pulling him away from Edmonton. But this is the challenge for him. Can he get over this rejection? Does he even love me? Is this something he can overlook and forgive? In time, we find out and he discovers this very thing separate from me and we do not actually date in the present as we both hope. So things are tough at first, knowing that we cannot be together at all. And these issues bring lots of pain for him knowing that someone else could date me. Knowing that I might leave him is also a struggle for him. Why do women do this to the man they love? Why do men react so to the woman they love? Well I know that my thinking is he is just a friend, I don’t want the overweight man but I am attracted to only the idea of having a man take interest in me. For me it isn’t that I don’t love John or he doesn’t love me, it is just a matter of putting our connection and love on hold. This sets the course for everything I am looking for in the next five years - to be attached but not be interested or in love with a man. Just freedom. Just being myself. Not controlled. Trusting in each other that this is the right course to take is a challenge because despite all the effort we have already made; things we experience sort of crumbles and are wasted in one decision to part ways. The truth is we both have our reasons for letting go at this time. And conveniently, our reasons are quite the same. Her feelings for John are there. But she thinks it is time for him to go. Deep down no matter how much she wants him, she thinks he is better off alone. They’ve been dating a few months but they’ve crashed here and there and can't get over their grievances. She has a past of developing an angry, weak and calloused heart. She doesn’t want to bring this into a relationship with him right now. She would have to take care of him and she just doesn’t feel like this is plausible if they continue in their relationship. He gets mad at her talking about this all the time and she cant stand his offense about that and many other complicated issues in their relationship. It is her guess that if they continue like this in their relationship things will just fall apart and they’ll continue in their struggles of fighting and blaming each other. And so with these thoughts coming through Whitney’s head, she thinks of all of John’s reasons for letting go. She can think back to one time when he was flirtatious with other women. He would always blame her as though it is her fault for everything. Or the times he has accused her of being too attached and needy at times. Aren’t these all legitimate excuses for wanting to leave her? So would he think in his mind. But every woman knows that every woman has weaknesses and shortfalls, so where one woman may be clingy, another is distant and expressionless. So if you are unhappy with one, another lady will disappoint you in another way. This is John’s own mistake and the mistake that most men make when seeking a mate. They think that life will be better, that another woman they are fishing for will just not be as bad as the last one, but in reality we all have shortfalls. So it is likely that he will see this same pattern happening in his relationships of the future. Why I love him So in Whitney’s head she is already broken up and this makes perfect sense actually. We have discussed all the reasons why they should and it turns out that is the best for them in her mind. But there are things that she will miss and they are concretely related to her past. Like how about her boyfriend trouble in high school a couple of years back. There was a “boy” that she liked and it did not work out. Tall and handsome, though not so much to her anymore, he was the picturesque image of high school stardom. He was outgoing, delightful, had lots of friends and people she could be introduced to. Being handsome to her at the time, she was very compelled to like him. He even invited her out somewhere as a friend. Of course every young girl, if this happens to them, will think the world of that man. But there was nothing there for him. This led her to crying and being found out by a teacher passing by. However, when she met John she opened her arms to him and so did he. It was like the acceptance she needed, being awfully rejected by another. So there are definite thoughts in her mind that suggest this is just her rebound or a chance to get over something. Yet he keeps on loving her through the process of having his own doubts or insecurities. He holds her hand for three months, and actually holds her heart even stronger during this time. She notices about this character that he is tender, gentle and of a caring personality. Due to never seeing this before in another man, she becomes immediately drawn to him. Because most men have a stronger, harsher side to them, at least the ones she has met, she is glued to his gentle, loving and warm heart and soul. She wants that and that is enough to hold onto him even in her darkest hours. Whitney was right all along. She had the right instincts and words to express her true feelings and her thoughts. Sometimes women just know when a guy is playing her. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her or that she is blind in love. Everyone experiences love in different ways. There's the love of needing someone, desiring someone and of course the using someone, and in this case, she needs him. She has an authentic and genuine need for him. She doesn’t realize how dangerous this is to her life, her love life so maybe following her instincts and the reality of it is good. She not only loses him with a broken heart but all her baggage comes with heartbreak as well. Despite all this pain and sorrow, as I said her instincts are correct and he will move on with Michelle. We don’t know the ending, but we know the beginning. Women are glued to that one man. And until the heartbreak subsides, there’s no moving on for real. She will try to, from this guy to that one, but unless the man who breaks you holds you, healing the wounds he started will just not really happen. Many may think this is selfish of Whitney in her thoughts. But she is not at all. How could she think this way? Well for one thing nobody was supporting her. Nobody cares about her in having any feelings for him. Secondly, it is not right to hold onto a man like this. If he says it’s done, it’s done, and he is free to move on. And lastly, if he treats her this way with the other woman, he deserves to not have her back. Right? The only right thing to do was to let him go! And we will see her trying to accomplish this in the relationships that she tries to cling to! Society would say don’t be with a man that you’re not really into. But what about her feelings, her broken heart and her inability to let him go on her own? We need each other in essence and that’s okay. As long as someone is willing to let you in while enduring a very hurting and traumatizing state, then it’s allowed. And we can step back and say to ourselves that Whitney needed these men in her life. And Whitney would not let anyone stop her from doing as she so desired.

wedding2

So off to the banquet it was, where champagne would be indulged, and food would be engulfed by the stomach before the night would end. I don’t really have more to say about the ending except that it was a jolly good time. But before I go into that, I will leave this story, not completely but for a time, because this documented time of Sandra’s life was over. She had her beau and he had his lady. What else could I absolutely state about her life. Boy meets girl, things get complicated, they find and discover themselves through a myriad of adventures and lovers, and then their paths cross once more leading to this wedding banquet. How can I go through all of this and be hostile to people who carried him and brought him to what now is bliss for the both of us. I mean, he is my breath and my depth, my reason for living and so what I am getting to in this wonderful ceremony and wedding banquet is that life is better with people. Dreams can never be accomplished alone. Going solo is not what this life is all about and therefore my life has changed in this respect. I think in the end Sandra and John found their everlasting peace. They dated other people, they pursued a little of their dreams, and although Sandra is the focal point of that discovery she took in New York, but John was a doctor who needed to prepare himself for it so in a way he also went through a time of self-discovery. So it is not just about people, it is about peace and tranquility. So if you can follow and do things your heart tells you and it involved loving people, finding peace and has a little bit of self discovery, then you are well on your way to a happy and successful life. Just as John and Sandra arrived, the banquet was full of guests galore. It was beyond anything they could have dreamed. The evening would start off with an appetizer that consisted of garlic and cheese on various buns which the tables could share. Everyone would eat a plate of the best chicken alfredo fettucini, topped with balsamic green salad. There was also strawberry smoothie drink at every table and a bottle of wine there as well. A superb meal for a wedding my opinion. As guests rolled in, I could see people of new and old friends and family. Aunts and uncles were there to ring in the best day of my life! The photographer was taking so many wonderful pictures of guests having the time of their lives as well. My bridesmaids and myself danced to numerous songs, one of course being “YMCA” which is one of my favorites from my earlier pub days with them. “You remember how we used to jam to this one back in the day,” stated Julia. We’d pick up a few drinks and hold our cups in the air and dance to this song?” “I totally remember, Julia, and I will always remember.” And Sandra thought about it as Julia went on and on. She remembered. She kept saying ‘uh huh, uh huh’ but Sandra was thinking on about something else in her mind. You know, one of those moments that while you're listening to someone, you also have something on your mind as well. She was thinking about the time when John and herself went to Mexico one time. So we’re at a beach, holding hands, just loving each other’s company, when we saw some dolphins in the distance, and instead of being in awe of these sea animals I was in awe of this man I was holding in my hands. And as Julia finished her sentence, I realized that I had become the type of bride, wife, woman and friend that these bridesmaids of mine were talking about. I had become so in live with my husband, that nothing else had mattered to me at that moment. Things happen, people change and friends move on. “They really do,” I said to Julia, as she said to me, “huh? What are you saying Sandra?” and I brushed it off, saying “its okay, nothing.” Do you ever think sometimes you look like a certain way, you’re at two places not one, but actually on the inside, in your heart, that one place is the place where you’ve always been and that’s what life is always about forever. That one man, that one friend, that one experience AND if you can learn that young, then you have really made it, sister, and that really has made all the difference.

wedding

So the girls were ready. Hair done, makeup in place and all together for a group hug to say their last goodbyes before their friend was going to get married that day! “To the bride, said Rebecca,” “For years of friendship, and to many more,” said Jody. “So glad its finally happening for you, Sandra,” said Amy... As Julie the last of her bridemaids said, “All the best!” And that was it, that was the end of it. In an hour, Sandra would be married to the love of her life. This doesn’t mean she was behind in any way, though her age was higher than the average woman getting married these days. Every girl that gets married, is always second guessing her accomplishments, shortfalls, her moments of ups and downs before the big day. At least thats how it was for her. “Did I work hard enough, could i have accomplished more.” She continues, “Is everything I have enough, am i enough?” So she was just like any bride going through the emotions, saying her goodbyes for now, and she was off to marry the love of her life. How hard can it be,” she thought. She had her man, her husband, her future was bright and she had these ladies by his side today, and always for the rest of her existence. That’s how she saw it and thats show you see it when you are blindfolded to the truth. You see only the optimistic and perceptive truth, its your perspective on how things will go, but unfortunately, does not necessarily mean that thats what the world is going to serve you. I feel as though Sandra learned a few things. As do many women that get married or accomplish anything else so great, there is a nonconformist belief that life will be great, fine, fulfilling once you get the car, and then the house and then the husband and then the children. And it doesnt have to be in that order. There are many women and men out there that have had children before marriage and this is your book too. We could go on and on about all the possessions and material accomplishments that we have as women, but none of it can really fulfill us, we will just keep wanting more of it and that dependency on money, possessions and status, will dig bigger and bigger wholes in our hearts because once is just not enough and the need for more. Even when she went to New York, Sandra was seeking some kind of material, possessive saviour, yes looking for a something to fill her John void. And she was right, she should move on and accomplishments things in her heart and move on from the man that at the time was breaking her heart. But she did not realize, that trying to protect her heart all the while was a heart that was breaking so bad that she sought after these possessions. We’re talking about material holders of satisfaction which take the place of the true things that make our heart dance. I know I have brought up that materials and accomplishments are needed, but I dont stop there. They do not satisfy us as we would think. But only the deep desires of our heart can truly fulfill us because that is who we really are. It encompasses our existence, we are nothing without it then. So if a man truly loves us and we feel that love, or we share commonalities or something about him heals us, wants us, and is desirable to us – we will truly see happiness. Now there other claims that could be made for what love is, our heart and our hearts desires, that those things are a material possession. But that is true only if it is not real, the heart, the love, the experiences. I am not saying that any relationships which don’t work out are fake, unreal and truly a waste of our time. But I am saying they can become a possession instead of being a real, genuine, lasting one and fulfilling one. So with that in mind, and with the assurance of knowing she had worked hard enough to get here, had truly appreciated her friends, and felt in her heart that there was no one else better than John, the doors opened and the procession of all the bridesmaids took their place, she was filled with overwhelming joy. Dad was on her left and she was on the right. But her eyes did not meet his. Tears were in her mind but she did not want to reveal them. “Save that for your husband,” she thought. And as dad grabbed her arm, both now hiding behind years of happiness they both smiled and went back to position. And she arrived at the front, bridesmaids already assembled on the stairs, her dad extended her arm and gave his daughter away to her husband. John smiled at her and to her dad, and then her dad sat down quiet and content. Now she didnt lose it here in her tears, she lost it during their vows. Each were said clearly and they both wrote their own, and it was not so much her vows which made her cry as much as when he did. His was full of love in all ways, in compassion, in understanding, in commitment and loyalty, everything she ever wanted in a husband and best friend. Saying stuff like “I will be by your side forever,” or “You are my only, my everything,” or “I will forever keep you safe and protected from the things that hurt you.” And finally, after her final cry, she turned to happiness an joy, in a ways that can not be described. Her smile, her eyes, that always get to him, that he is mesmerized by, shone, and gave that man what he was always looking for. A wife, a wife that he loves, a wife that will stay, that will get over the cry and still love him for who he is. Is that too much to ask? Deep down in Sandra’s heart, as they walked down the aisle, to the door, hand in hand, smiling and cheering, for they had become husband and wife. Now this story is not just about the happy outcome. It is for those lovers, best friends and hearts, that both stay together through it all. The thing is that Sandra’s role, character, human and lover knew this all along. Because she heard it from so many, that life has its ups and downs. But now she was living it. She knew what it was to be up and down. And now she could truly say that she shad overcome them all. It’s not what people say that determine the course of your life. But maybe she was okay to believe in this, because it a universal truth that happens to everyone. Life will be hard. It will produce pain, suffering, and all you have to do other than pray about it, is ask yourself this one question: is it worth it? And Sandra did this very thing when John came back for her. Why? Because in her, she wanted him to not only know, but to know himself, that she would not have to tell him he is the one, but that he would come to that realization on his own. And she wanted the same for herself. How could she go on asking him, do you love me? Because this happened with all the men, all the mature men she dated in the past. They didn’t know. And that is heartbreaking. What if one day, she got home and her husband tells her, “I want to leave you,” “I do not know anymore”, “I found someone.” That is devastating to a woman, to hear the man you married who is suppose to be with you forever, have doubts about you. But what he and she did together though apart, is find out the answers to those questions before getting married. So she has eliminated half the problem. They both found out the answers before marriage and that my reader, is what made the greater difference in their marriage to each other. The other marriages and engagements in this story are thus different from this one. This does not mean it is better than those marriages, concerning how they got engaged, how they got married, how long they spent apart like how Sandra and John did before marriage. But however you marry, however you get engaged, however you spend your love life or personal life, will all affect the end result. And is it not better to know in your heart that you love someone completely before marriage? Perhaps all of them came to that realization in their own ways? But they did not get married until the bell of their heart went off and they discovered - this is life.