revisions

So here’s this guy, overweight and so unattractive to me because John is - let’s be honest a hunk - or in my mind I think he is a very attractive man. Doesn’t any man who is in love with a woman, and he is at this time, whom sees this taking place with another man, be jealous? Well of course, I realize in retrospect now. But then, it’s just fun for me, so I have no idea that at this moment it drives him away from me. I assure you our miscommunication doesn’t end there though, many things are going in so many directions, with so many factors pulling him away from Edmonton. But this is the challenge for him. Can he get over this rejection? Does he even love me? Is this something he can overlook and forgive? In time, we find out and he discovers this very thing separate from me and we do not actually date in the present as we both hope. So things are tough at first, knowing that we cannot be together at all. And these issues bring lots of pain for him knowing that someone else could date me. Knowing that I might leave him is also a struggle for him. Why do women do this to the man they love? Why do men react so to the woman they love? Well I know that my thinking is he is just a friend, I don’t want the overweight man but I am attracted to only the idea of having a man take interest in me. For me it isn’t that I don’t love John or he doesn’t love me, it is just a matter of putting our connection and love on hold. This sets the course for everything I am looking for in the next five years - to be attached but not be interested or in love with a man. Just freedom. Just being myself. Not controlled. Trusting in each other that this is the right course to take is a challenge because despite all the effort we have already made; things we experience sort of crumbles and are wasted in one decision to part ways. The truth is we both have our reasons for letting go at this time. And conveniently, our reasons are quite the same. Her feelings for John are there. But she thinks it is time for him to go. Deep down no matter how much she wants him, she thinks he is better off alone. They’ve been dating a few months but they’ve crashed here and there and can't get over their grievances. She has a past of developing an angry, weak and calloused heart. She doesn’t want to bring this into a relationship with him right now. She would have to take care of him and she just doesn’t feel like this is plausible if they continue in their relationship. He gets mad at her talking about this all the time and she cant stand his offense about that and many other complicated issues in their relationship. It is her guess that if they continue like this in their relationship things will just fall apart and they’ll continue in their struggles of fighting and blaming each other. And so with these thoughts coming through Whitney’s head, she thinks of all of John’s reasons for letting go. She can think back to one time when he was flirtatious with other women. He would always blame her as though it is her fault for everything. Or the times he has accused her of being too attached and needy at times. Aren’t these all legitimate excuses for wanting to leave her? So would he think in his mind. But every woman knows that every woman has weaknesses and shortfalls, so where one woman may be clingy, another is distant and expressionless. So if you are unhappy with one, another lady will disappoint you in another way. This is John’s own mistake and the mistake that most men make when seeking a mate. They think that life will be better, that another woman they are fishing for will just not be as bad as the last one, but in reality we all have shortfalls. So it is likely that he will see this same pattern happening in his relationships of the future. Why I love him So in Whitney’s head she is already broken up and this makes perfect sense actually. We have discussed all the reasons why they should and it turns out that is the best for them in her mind. But there are things that she will miss and they are concretely related to her past. Like how about her boyfriend trouble in high school a couple of years back. There was a “boy” that she liked and it did not work out. Tall and handsome, though not so much to her anymore, he was the picturesque image of high school stardom. He was outgoing, delightful, had lots of friends and people she could be introduced to. Being handsome to her at the time, she was very compelled to like him. He even invited her out somewhere as a friend. Of course every young girl, if this happens to them, will think the world of that man. But there was nothing there for him. This led her to crying and being found out by a teacher passing by. However, when she met John she opened her arms to him and so did he. It was like the acceptance she needed, being awfully rejected by another. So there are definite thoughts in her mind that suggest this is just her rebound or a chance to get over something. Yet he keeps on loving her through the process of having his own doubts or insecurities. He holds her hand for three months, and actually holds her heart even stronger during this time. She notices about this character that he is tender, gentle and of a caring personality. Due to never seeing this before in another man, she becomes immediately drawn to him. Because most men have a stronger, harsher side to them, at least the ones she has met, she is glued to his gentle, loving and warm heart and soul. She wants that and that is enough to hold onto him even in her darkest hours. Whitney was right all along. She had the right instincts and words to express her true feelings and her thoughts. Sometimes women just know when a guy is playing her. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her or that she is blind in love. Everyone experiences love in different ways. There's the love of needing someone, desiring someone and of course the using someone, and in this case, she needs him. She has an authentic and genuine need for him. She doesn’t realize how dangerous this is to her life, her love life so maybe following her instincts and the reality of it is good. She not only loses him with a broken heart but all her baggage comes with heartbreak as well. Despite all this pain and sorrow, as I said her instincts are correct and he will move on with Michelle. We don’t know the ending, but we know the beginning. Women are glued to that one man. And until the heartbreak subsides, there’s no moving on for real. She will try to, from this guy to that one, but unless the man who breaks you holds you, healing the wounds he started will just not really happen. Many may think this is selfish of Whitney in her thoughts. But she is not at all. How could she think this way? Well for one thing nobody was supporting her. Nobody cares about her in having any feelings for him. Secondly, it is not right to hold onto a man like this. If he says it’s done, it’s done, and he is free to move on. And lastly, if he treats her this way with the other woman, he deserves to not have her back. Right? The only right thing to do was to let him go! And we will see her trying to accomplish this in the relationships that she tries to cling to! Society would say don’t be with a man that you’re not really into. But what about her feelings, her broken heart and her inability to let him go on her own? We need each other in essence and that’s okay. As long as someone is willing to let you in while enduring a very hurting and traumatizing state, then it’s allowed. And we can step back and say to ourselves that Whitney needed these men in her life. And Whitney would not let anyone stop her from doing as she so desired.

wedding2

So off to the banquet it was, where champagne would be indulged, and food would be engulfed by the stomach before the night would end. I don’t really have more to say about the ending except that it was a jolly good time. But before I go into that, I will leave this story, not completely but for a time, because this documented time of Sandra’s life was over. She had her beau and he had his lady. What else could I absolutely state about her life. Boy meets girl, things get complicated, they find and discover themselves through a myriad of adventures and lovers, and then their paths cross once more leading to this wedding banquet. How can I go through all of this and be hostile to people who carried him and brought him to what now is bliss for the both of us. I mean, he is my breath and my depth, my reason for living and so what I am getting to in this wonderful ceremony and wedding banquet is that life is better with people. Dreams can never be accomplished alone. Going solo is not what this life is all about and therefore my life has changed in this respect. I think in the end Sandra and John found their everlasting peace. They dated other people, they pursued a little of their dreams, and although Sandra is the focal point of that discovery she took in New York, but John was a doctor who needed to prepare himself for it so in a way he also went through a time of self-discovery. So it is not just about people, it is about peace and tranquility. So if you can follow and do things your heart tells you and it involved loving people, finding peace and has a little bit of self discovery, then you are well on your way to a happy and successful life. Just as John and Sandra arrived, the banquet was full of guests galore. It was beyond anything they could have dreamed. The evening would start off with an appetizer that consisted of garlic and cheese on various buns which the tables could share. Everyone would eat a plate of the best chicken alfredo fettucini, topped with balsamic green salad. There was also strawberry smoothie drink at every table and a bottle of wine there as well. A superb meal for a wedding my opinion. As guests rolled in, I could see people of new and old friends and family. Aunts and uncles were there to ring in the best day of my life! The photographer was taking so many wonderful pictures of guests having the time of their lives as well. My bridesmaids and myself danced to numerous songs, one of course being “YMCA” which is one of my favorites from my earlier pub days with them. “You remember how we used to jam to this one back in the day,” stated Julia. We’d pick up a few drinks and hold our cups in the air and dance to this song?” “I totally remember, Julia, and I will always remember.” And Sandra thought about it as Julia went on and on. She remembered. She kept saying ‘uh huh, uh huh’ but Sandra was thinking on about something else in her mind. You know, one of those moments that while you're listening to someone, you also have something on your mind as well. She was thinking about the time when John and herself went to Mexico one time. So we’re at a beach, holding hands, just loving each other’s company, when we saw some dolphins in the distance, and instead of being in awe of these sea animals I was in awe of this man I was holding in my hands. And as Julia finished her sentence, I realized that I had become the type of bride, wife, woman and friend that these bridesmaids of mine were talking about. I had become so in live with my husband, that nothing else had mattered to me at that moment. Things happen, people change and friends move on. “They really do,” I said to Julia, as she said to me, “huh? What are you saying Sandra?” and I brushed it off, saying “its okay, nothing.” Do you ever think sometimes you look like a certain way, you’re at two places not one, but actually on the inside, in your heart, that one place is the place where you’ve always been and that’s what life is always about forever. That one man, that one friend, that one experience AND if you can learn that young, then you have really made it, sister, and that really has made all the difference.

wedding

So the girls were ready. Hair done, makeup in place and all together for a group hug to say their last goodbyes before their friend was going to get married that day! “To the bride, said Rebecca,” “For years of friendship, and to many more,” said Jody. “So glad its finally happening for you, Sandra,” said Amy... As Julie the last of her bridemaids said, “All the best!” And that was it, that was the end of it. In an hour, Sandra would be married to the love of her life. This doesn’t mean she was behind in any way, though her age was higher than the average woman getting married these days. Every girl that gets married, is always second guessing her accomplishments, shortfalls, her moments of ups and downs before the big day. At least thats how it was for her. “Did I work hard enough, could i have accomplished more.” She continues, “Is everything I have enough, am i enough?” So she was just like any bride going through the emotions, saying her goodbyes for now, and she was off to marry the love of her life. How hard can it be,” she thought. She had her man, her husband, her future was bright and she had these ladies by his side today, and always for the rest of her existence. That’s how she saw it and thats show you see it when you are blindfolded to the truth. You see only the optimistic and perceptive truth, its your perspective on how things will go, but unfortunately, does not necessarily mean that thats what the world is going to serve you. I feel as though Sandra learned a few things. As do many women that get married or accomplish anything else so great, there is a nonconformist belief that life will be great, fine, fulfilling once you get the car, and then the house and then the husband and then the children. And it doesnt have to be in that order. There are many women and men out there that have had children before marriage and this is your book too. We could go on and on about all the possessions and material accomplishments that we have as women, but none of it can really fulfill us, we will just keep wanting more of it and that dependency on money, possessions and status, will dig bigger and bigger wholes in our hearts because once is just not enough and the need for more. Even when she went to New York, Sandra was seeking some kind of material, possessive saviour, yes looking for a something to fill her John void. And she was right, she should move on and accomplishments things in her heart and move on from the man that at the time was breaking her heart. But she did not realize, that trying to protect her heart all the while was a heart that was breaking so bad that she sought after these possessions. We’re talking about material holders of satisfaction which take the place of the true things that make our heart dance. I know I have brought up that materials and accomplishments are needed, but I dont stop there. They do not satisfy us as we would think. But only the deep desires of our heart can truly fulfill us because that is who we really are. It encompasses our existence, we are nothing without it then. So if a man truly loves us and we feel that love, or we share commonalities or something about him heals us, wants us, and is desirable to us – we will truly see happiness. Now there other claims that could be made for what love is, our heart and our hearts desires, that those things are a material possession. But that is true only if it is not real, the heart, the love, the experiences. I am not saying that any relationships which don’t work out are fake, unreal and truly a waste of our time. But I am saying they can become a possession instead of being a real, genuine, lasting one and fulfilling one. So with that in mind, and with the assurance of knowing she had worked hard enough to get here, had truly appreciated her friends, and felt in her heart that there was no one else better than John, the doors opened and the procession of all the bridesmaids took their place, she was filled with overwhelming joy. Dad was on her left and she was on the right. But her eyes did not meet his. Tears were in her mind but she did not want to reveal them. “Save that for your husband,” she thought. And as dad grabbed her arm, both now hiding behind years of happiness they both smiled and went back to position. And she arrived at the front, bridesmaids already assembled on the stairs, her dad extended her arm and gave his daughter away to her husband. John smiled at her and to her dad, and then her dad sat down quiet and content. Now she didnt lose it here in her tears, she lost it during their vows. Each were said clearly and they both wrote their own, and it was not so much her vows which made her cry as much as when he did. His was full of love in all ways, in compassion, in understanding, in commitment and loyalty, everything she ever wanted in a husband and best friend. Saying stuff like “I will be by your side forever,” or “You are my only, my everything,” or “I will forever keep you safe and protected from the things that hurt you.” And finally, after her final cry, she turned to happiness an joy, in a ways that can not be described. Her smile, her eyes, that always get to him, that he is mesmerized by, shone, and gave that man what he was always looking for. A wife, a wife that he loves, a wife that will stay, that will get over the cry and still love him for who he is. Is that too much to ask? Deep down in Sandra’s heart, as they walked down the aisle, to the door, hand in hand, smiling and cheering, for they had become husband and wife. Now this story is not just about the happy outcome. It is for those lovers, best friends and hearts, that both stay together through it all. The thing is that Sandra’s role, character, human and lover knew this all along. Because she heard it from so many, that life has its ups and downs. But now she was living it. She knew what it was to be up and down. And now she could truly say that she shad overcome them all. It’s not what people say that determine the course of your life. But maybe she was okay to believe in this, because it a universal truth that happens to everyone. Life will be hard. It will produce pain, suffering, and all you have to do other than pray about it, is ask yourself this one question: is it worth it? And Sandra did this very thing when John came back for her. Why? Because in her, she wanted him to not only know, but to know himself, that she would not have to tell him he is the one, but that he would come to that realization on his own. And she wanted the same for herself. How could she go on asking him, do you love me? Because this happened with all the men, all the mature men she dated in the past. They didn’t know. And that is heartbreaking. What if one day, she got home and her husband tells her, “I want to leave you,” “I do not know anymore”, “I found someone.” That is devastating to a woman, to hear the man you married who is suppose to be with you forever, have doubts about you. But what he and she did together though apart, is find out the answers to those questions before getting married. So she has eliminated half the problem. They both found out the answers before marriage and that my reader, is what made the greater difference in their marriage to each other. The other marriages and engagements in this story are thus different from this one. This does not mean it is better than those marriages, concerning how they got engaged, how they got married, how long they spent apart like how Sandra and John did before marriage. But however you marry, however you get engaged, however you spend your love life or personal life, will all affect the end result. And is it not better to know in your heart that you love someone completely before marriage? Perhaps all of them came to that realization in their own ways? But they did not get married until the bell of their heart went off and they discovered - this is life.

a fast engagement

So he came running to me one day saying where he was going and I finally felt like I was singing in his arms. He had one coat in hand and his luggage in the other as we sat down to have something to eat at the airport. (I took his jacket for him as we both looked at each other with the kiss of gratitude, love and passion.) “How did we ever do this past years without each other” I said with a tear rolling down my eye which he cleaned up for me” “I know” said he, “but here we are and it was worth the wait.” “You always say this, John, but I am always wondering how we could have let the time pass for so long, I mean was that worth it?” Gulp, went John. “Yes, it is worth it. It will be worth it after this. There it was, as I lifted his jacket to give to him, he said, “Can you feel anything in there? Can you grab it please, I need it?” And so that is what I did, as I looked I could see a jewellery container and that was exactly what it was. So, he asked me to pass it and soon enough he was opening it and there it was and there was he, leaning on one knee. “Will you marry me?” was the obvious, expected response, not without wrinkle, not without sincere passion for the love that he had for me due to the tone of his voice, the look of sincerity on his face, as I said “Yes, remarkably yes!” And that was that. We were engaged and the World was in shock as we were walking through the airport to get coffee and a muffin and out the doors as the first time which we would hold hands, kiss and be seen as the couple we always wanted to be. March 28, 2020 @ 9:43 am So John and I sat down for coffee. We put down his luggage and coat, where I had felt the ring and gave it to him. “What are we going to do now that we’re engaged,” we only had plans to go home and get him settled in. I had all these plans meeting people, like his family and some of our friends, Edmonton was a place we met, made our dreams reality by getting to know each other, pursuing our careers and school needs. How was I to know what would happen next. So he said to me, “I’m not in a rush to do anything except that family and friends are itching to know what we are up to because they know when I arrived, so should we tell them, I can email and text them and we can leave it at that for now because I just got in and I want to spend every waking moment with my fiancé, my wife!” “and what should we tell them about the engagement, when our wedding will be, all these things they are going to be asking us?” “We can tell them about our lives together and as wonderful as it is and what it is” “What do you mean, what it is, typical male response, that gives me hardly anything to work with” “Honey, just say that we’re engaged” “Okay, then, we can tell them that!” And off they went sipping their drinks and eating their muffins because they were as happy as can be and as looking forward to the future as any other could be.

Big huge fight (Sandra and John) Im sorry sandra, I cant help it, she loves me. I love you and we have proven that to ourselves, when you were with michelle. But now this is worse bc she actually is having a love relationship with you! I love her. What? This is what I am here to tell you, I don’t know about us. You don’t even have a good job. You don’t know about us! How can I trust that you will respect, honor and love me, were always mad at each other. Do you even know how to commit and listen to me as a husband, I don’t even think you will, You hate michelle and everything shes done. Like our relationship is going nowhere, it will just not work. Cant you see, we love eachother, and youre gonna come crawling back to me when you had enough of the high of being in a new relationship. Then youre gonnna realize that and have to reconcile and build trust again, John its just not worth it. Is that what you want to break my heart? Well that would make us two. Remember? I was heartbroken over you. That was ages ago, and you know my reasons. It was an honest mistake. OH I see where this is going, you want to get back at me, cant you get over Dan, hes history I DO NOT LOVE HIM. I LOVE YOU. Sandra, im leaving you and im sorry it breaks your heart but this is different im actually in love with her and shes faithful, by my side, which you havent even displayed to me. Please don’t. If you go with her, I will hate you and we will never be able to establish trust again, if you want her go with her, I don’t care, ill find someone better. But you and I will never be able to feel what its like to be in love bc we are the love we are both searching for, even our little moments of revenge are for each other, to learn how much we love each other bc thats what happened with Dan, many, many years ago, so I beg you, please stay, youre going to ruin everything we ever had. Bye Sandra, ive made up my mind. Im going. Goodbye. She turned from him, crying her eyes out, as she went to her car that day in Edmonton. She knew this wasnt over but then again his words sounded so genuine and real for this other lady. You just have to stay so strong here. Women, that is, stay strong in a way only they can do, when men leave them for another woman.

final chapter

Starbucks guy ok so i had finished work one day, and typed up my own article to be submitted that evening, and I was seeing that same guy in the coffee shop that I had seen before, I walked by him and sat down in the table and chairs beside him. Wearing a velvet jacket and dark jeans, his hair slicked back and looking like the hunk I always see in him, he started talking. Next thing I knew, he had noticed me a few times too and wondered what I was up to in New York. “I am a lawyer in town and this is our very busy season and so I just like to sit down and work here at Starbucks. You? What are you up to these days?” Now that I had his attention, I knew I had to flaunt everything that I could to impress him. “I’m a journalist just starting out with the Daily News.” “And what kinds of topics do you write? I think that’s awesome!” “Im mainly in charge of Arts and Entertainment. I recently wrote an article about the Santa Clause parade earlier in the season. I thought it was only fitting to write about our fascination with the Santa Clause parade for our kids. I know it’s fun for the adults too, they get to go ice skating on the rink, grab some treats and prizes, there's also a seat with Santa for the kids, but all of this would be nothing without the kids, its really all for the kids.” “That’s excellent, yeah, everyone knows that and would agree with you. It’s a good reminder though to put things into perspective and remind us the true reason of the season is celebrating our children and making them feel special. It’s all about family. Because I mean, gifts are great, and ugly sweater Christmas parties, eating and drinking to Christmas themes and all, but truly having quality time with family and in this case, especially with children, they are the ones who really need to feel love this Christmas." “Yes, I agree, and it’s not like I think there's something wrong with giving gifts and wearing christmas attire for the season, but I just wanted to celebrate the children even if its with material things, I think they can sense love in every little crack that comes their way and so celebrating via a trip to see Santa and go skating, goes along way for these children. We should care for their needs as well as ours. Nothing wrong with gifts, just invest in it in the right way.” “Wow, that’s profound. I never thought of it that way. Thanks for sharing that with me. But hey I should be going, I have a meeting to be at soon. Im sure ill see you around.” “Oh ya, see you again," I said. Anyway, that was short-lived. I was probably babbling for too long, I feel like. Anyways, I always speak my mind and I guess he didn’t like it. “But oh well,” I thought, “there’s many fish in the sea." A man of taste and prestige can make a woman fall so deeply In love with him. Maybe he really did need to rush and didn’t have time to get his number. Or maybe there’s another woman. Or he just genuinely did not care.” And on and on do women like me think about a man that leaves her that she so deeply desires. Next day at work Sitting next to Sabrina, I couldn’t help but tell her what I was up to yesturday, instead of dealing with that awful friend of mine who is always criticizing my times with men. I mean, who’s perfect, right?! I noticed she wasn’t doing anything at the moment in her cubicle. So I continued, “How are you doing Sabrina?” To which she replied, “oh im great, had a great weekend. I just cant seem to get motivated today." “Me neither,” I said, and off I went talking about highly accomplished men who are sweet and loving. Now that is a truth everybody knows. “So do tell, Sarah, don’t leave me hooked. I want to know details.” “Well theres not much to know because it seems that he’s not interested.” “Not interested? How would you know just by one interaction? Give it time girl, it doesn’t come easily. Men are complicated little wrecks that are too scared to ask sometimes and if there’s not another woman, you are fair game. As she went on and on about this, I was just going mmhm and mmhm as she went off talking about it all. I was thinking that this conversation was the polar opposite of the lady upstairs telling me to dump men that “lead me on with nothing left to give you.” I know i read into things too much at times, so I just didn’t know at first if I should believe in him. Maybe there is something there that I just don’t see yet. At least I don’t have production up there going down my throat for what I have to be careful of with men. I think I’m alright, thank you. Going home When it was time to leave work that day, I was still going home without any answers, without a clear conscience. There was just no middle ground in my head. I know I shouldn’t live for people’s opinions. But here before me was a man that is just leading me on or more like what Sabrina said and is genuinely interested and just not ready, it’s not the right time. “Think positive,” she said at the end, “That is the only way to find a man in this world. They run away from negativity or from a threat of some kind." And just then as I was walking home from Starbucks to my apartment, I saw him. No, not the guy I just met yesturday, but John. “What am I to do?” I asked myself. “It’s over between us, what would he be doing here?” And as I turned the other way to put my phone in my pocket, he was out of sight! THE END. Book 1.

friendship gone

Anyway, I went back to work, voicing the situation to my coworker, Jane, and she had an earful for me to listen to. You know her, always on the rejecting end of a woman’s desire to work out a relationship. She’s the voice of reason, giving you any reason to suspect why it shouldn’t work out. I cant help it I told her, after all her babbling on about why I should leave and forget about him. Why is it that society values perfection, in the form of joy, love, peace and good life. IN relationships, this is almost impossible to find. So I go on. Come on Jane, what relationship is perfect. Ya but he left you, Sarah. And you said so yourself, I did not, that if he comes back after being with a woman he loves, hes a gonner! I know I have that in my heart deep down, but the distance Jane, it has made him fonder to me. Don’t you get it? And do you think that when your guy makes a mistake, do you think hes man enough to admit it and move on. I mean like what if that’s all that’s required to move on in the relationship, move past all the shit we both have done to each other. Ya but don’t blame yourself, its his fault. Well its not all his fault actually, but I wont be disclosing what I have done to deserve this. Like I know that what hes done to me is awfully wrong, and is nothing compared to what hes done to me, but I cant keep blaming him. Why not she says, look she says, I’m not an expert at relationships, been divorced twice, cant keep a guy on a date with me without telling him something that is off, but I know this: men do not change and they will go back to their old ways once hes gotten through the wedding for that one special thing. How do you know? He cant change!? Just because he behaved awful and is awful at just about everything hes done to retaliate against me for stuff ive done, does not mean that change is out of sight. All Im saying to you, the voice of reason at everything, is that there is a way and there can be a way if two people that made mistakes and love eachother are willing to admit that they love eachother and are going to work on themselves for the very reason that they want to spend the rest of their days loving eachother and continuing to do that. This reason thing that you got going on Jane is not enough. It’s not gonna make you or I fall in love in a healthy relationship. I mean, it’s part of it all, you have to face the truth, you must be honest and embrace the things that work and don’t work in all actuality. But love does not stop there. It picks itself up when the love honestly feels like its worth it. It loves, it protects, it cheriches when it seems hopeless. ok so lets leave it at that and realize love is real but it is also about the grace you can give to your partner when they have messed it all up! With that, they hugged and Jane said, “hmm, thats all idealistic to me like its never going to happen to me, but if you wanna believe that it’s your prerogative and I will still support you in that if you want” “And I do believe in that, but im not asking you to believe me, im just saying, believe that for me bc that’s what I believe in.” “so you actually think a man can leave you and all the odds point to him staying faithful to you after all you’ve been through.” “Yesssss, I believe in him and he believes in me, we actually realize all the hurt was there to protect us, to move us closer to each other, because instead of having a heart of stone we used our lives to display that love in certain ways. I know you don’t understand this part of my life and love life but hes come back and wants me back.” “Well that is completely and irrevocably up to you. Yes ive had some bad breaks in relationships but I know a thing or two. and what I know and have learned about men is true. I just hope in this case that youre right and that youre lucky enough to believe what you are saying about him....what does he have to say about everything? About the whole situation? “He says hes sorry and he wont do it again.” “But how can you just trust and believe in this after everything, i mean arent you worried hell leave again? Because that would be my biggest fear.” “I don’t worry about it and neither should you. This is my relationship and not yours and you should stop attacking everything im trying to see restored. I believe in it and anyone who attacks it and doesn’t believe in it im just removing them from my life so don’t even start with me on your bad experiences, it happened to you, its not happening to me.” And that was the last conversation we had about us, and that was enough for Jane and I to live separate lives, I didn’t know how long it was going to take and or if id ever see her again but I realized deep down, life was a pit of hell before he left me, and I didn’t want to live in that state of regret any longer, so her negative comments were no longer invited into my life again.