our love life started

So when I was in love with him, after a few of these amazing encounters, I knew he was the one. This was really the start of our love life. It was obvious it was reciprocated, it was apparent that I wasn't alone. All my fears had been relieved, my doubts cast to the ground of the bus we were both driving on. You can imagine now, seeing how much I loved him and wanted him, that leaving without very much information could make me mad and disappointed. I mean we had chemistry, tender-hearted love for each other! Michelle leaving with him, himself promising it would be nothing and that I wouldn’t be sad just sounded so naïve of him and disloyal to me! I’m not saying that he can't make his own decision, that he did not have the right to leave if he wanted it, I'm just saying it was all fabricated and if it is so that he wanted to do that to win my heart, then it should have been different than it was. First of all, it’s hurtful the way he did it! Leaving with another woman, and just letting me know what was going on is not what you do when you love a woman. He should have asked for my opinion, made me feel at ease and ready for it. Instead, he just took off and told me “what was going to happen!” So I saw him on the bus that one day! It was the most magical thing, I was on cloud nine when I saw him there. I was sitting down and he jumps on! Remember this was also the first time I had seen him in public since he left me three years ago in the house parking lot, where we had met at someone’s house for a church meeting. I was actually quite resolved to accept him, I wasn’t mad, maybe I could have forgiven him more because I was still kind of disappointed in what he had done. But when I saw him, all those worries disappeared. Seeing him was like a breath of fresh air. He pulled out his backpack and hugged it. What do you think that means? It means he was showing me that they truly were just having fun and we were all on this adventure. I sighed a big sigh inside of relief and many years of hoping had been quieted inside of me. I know what you are thinking, that I'm crazy, I didn’t say anything to him, I didn’t talk to him, I just left saying, “thank you.” How could I be so senseless or have no brain at all to let a guy go like that, whom I profess to love so much that I'm angry about his decisions with Michelle, that after three years and all the garbage that came with it, I still love him! You’re crazy girl! But my heart was racing, my feet were shaking, you know the way women lift up their boots when they’re not really impressed with their love's behaviour, which for me meant that, yes, I was a little upset and that he better get this right! I loved him so much then and the way I felt was that I was sitting on the same moving vehicle as him, that I was so close to him, to see his hair, face and tall, slim body. Don’t worry babe, I love you, I was saying to him, I hear you and we will soon be as one. I was simply sitting and standing on the ground of two Christian people who are going to get married one day. I love him to the moon.

love each other

So off we went from the hospital as dad picked us up. I just want the reader and viewer to know that not only do I care about my mom, but I was looking for validation and support from someone, anyone, about my mom. That’s why John was there. I know that women have different reasons for falling in love, though looks and let's say loyalty and faithfulness are good reasons as well. I mean, having a good and fulfilling relationship WITH THE WOMAN WHO GAVE YOU BIRTH is a great goal. Mom wasn’t always there for me, as a person who had ten years of depression, she was socially distant for years after it so I always felt something was missing but in this moment in history where this guy named John was there, I finally found myself connected to my mom but also loving this man for connecting me to my mom again! Maybe it has always been hard for me to love her, support her and be there for her. But in this moment, in which John was asking me questions about her, he was actually making me feel truly loved because someone cared about my relationship with her. Someone cared about something that felt close to my heart. And showed me what it felt like to be close to my mom, because he was right there with me conversing about her as though she were there with us. People don’t realize the depression makes you unavailable to those around you and they’re taking care of you! I’ve heard it so many times, that she couldn’t take care of us because her condition took all her energy to focus on herself. And when I say she was socially unavailable I think the illness kept coming back because I couldn’t have a relationship with her, she wouldn’t let me. But this moment with John made all the pain go away, all the years of rejection and neglect go away because I finally found someone who cared about her misfortunes and thereby made me feel safe in sharing her with him and about her. I guess its really important to me how I treat her and how others do as well. I guess she was the kind of mother that never smiled, when I would try to make conversation with her about how she was doing she would just say “im fine, sarah”. I wanted a friendship, love, connection and all the things I was looking for with John, things mom couldn't do or be for me. And that I received. John could do all of that. Maybe its okay for moms to be in such a hole that they can’t get out of it until later. Maybe years of healing and restoration was needed for me to realize that she needed her space and time to herself before she could make time for me. And I know I’m still depending on a person for happiness in saying that, but I just don’t buy the notion that you don’t find peace and love and connection with people, you have to find it in yourself first. I think that’s a universal lie that we are lying to ourselves because we were given each other to love, connect and support each other. We are designed for each other, not for ourselves.

moms okay

She continues. “So when she came out of the operating room, I was so excited to tell her the news. I saw them bring a mobile bed to her room, as I was waiting there for her. What was I to do?! Contain my excitement, overflowing with anticipation and anxiousness to tell my mother. Her face was completely yellow and as I waited for her to open her eyes, I was so relieved. Well, I knew that she was finally alive once her eyes were open and that was when I told the news coming from the surgeon. I can't tell you how relieved I was that this was all over and that my mom was fine. I mean, we went from entering the hospital and not knowing what would surface in her ovaries, looking at the foothills, Calgary hospital to sitting down and balling out our eyeball, and finally to this major sigh at the relief that the cancer was all cleaned out!" John was sitting there eyes glued to me. I could not be sure if he was glued to the story or my boobs (I’ve seen him look once or twice). He says, “I know, it's heartbreaking sometimes because you hope for the best. There’s actual relief that that hope is the bridge between your faith and your breakthrough because fear just wont leave you until your miracle happens." “Well, not exactly John,” I said, “God wants us to believe first and then see the outcome. That’s what faith is, believing in something that’s not there yet and if we are not believing and we just see the proof of it; if god gave us that all the time, the end result, we would never have uncertainty, or hope for a better future.” John held his tongue because he didn’t want to argue with me, since I was his future wife. “Yes, that’s what I meant to say!” “Well, so how is your mom now?” he’d say. “I mean has it been some time since this happened?" “Yes, it’s been about a year. I guess she just got lucky. But luck I don’t really believe in. That’s different than blessed of god. You see, if our friend Diane died after having two battles with cancer, and if she wasn’t spared than why would my mother? It could have been her that left us early. I’ve read books of moms dying in their fifties and this was happening for Diane but not now for my mom.” He went on. “Sometimes in life, bad things do happen to good people. People get paralyzed in freak accidents or get cancer, terminal illnesses, mental wellness illnesses and addictions manifest, leading to bad behaviours. You said you’re lucky and then you said you’re blessed but I think for some reason it's fate and destiny for your mom to still be alive, even though she could not have survived, let's say if the cyst had not been detected until later.” “Well ya,” I said. “My mom detected it on her stomach first. Then my dad encouraged her to see the doctor. Next the doctor turned her away saying it was nothing until she went back and really believed it wasn’t NOTHING. Thennnnn she went to the hospital that weekend! Why are doctors like this, it’s like you have to push them to do things, when they should be the ones getting their act together and finding out the problem instead of pushing it under the rug?”

mom

I was so nervous one day as I saw him sitting by himself at chapters. He looked so good. His hair slicked back and talking on the phone. He had the best smile but then he put down the phone as I came towards him. Obviously I wouldn’t have if he was busy on his phone. But as he gently put down the phone he looked so cute sitting by himself so I just went to get a drink and he was sitting close to me, I turned around and said “hi” to which he replied, “hi sarah, how are you doing?” I replied with “great”, because I wasn’t working this time, I was just here to see him really and my feeling was that if I could just see him, life would be better. That would be the last time I would see him sitting and he would be able to have a long conversation together with me because he would take off with Michelle after this. Anyway, he was telling me of his plans to be a doctor. I was really into this because I have a father who is a chiropractor and my grandfather was a doctor too! It's just in my blood. I can't really explain why but when john told me he was applying to get into med school, I was so excited. I had always been into how doctors take care of other people. They treat problems with medication for illnesses, they talk to them about their problems, their job is just endless. “One day,” I told him, “my mom had a cyst in her stomach. My dad noticed it one day and the doctor sent her to the local big city to get it removed. She was really lucky. I had to go to the hospital with her, my dad had to work, and it was so emotional for my mom and I. This man came over and said he would be in the operating room with her. That was the very moment I realized what doctors really do, and my heart was touched by how much they do. We were both crying." myself because I was scared of the end result, I just didn’t know what was going to happen to my mom.” “And what happened to her? What was the outcome?” he asked. “Well I was sitting in the waiting room and I hadn’t heard from the surgeon yet. I wanted to hear the result, but I was just sitting there and I asked god to spare her life. I know all she had was a cyst but I was still concerned of the unknown, right!? Anyways, I got a call from the surgeon whom said “everything is normal and they got rid of both ovaries so as not to spread. Just in case!” “Well im glad everything is alright. I know that stuff can be kind of scary.” “Well yaaaaaaa,” I said. “That might just be an understatement. I haven’t always been super close with my mother, but I deeply care for her and I just get emotional in things like this because I just don’t want to lose her. She means so much to me. When we lost a friend to cancer I just knew it was a real thing and could happen to anyone. In the waiting room this is what I was thinking about, and moreover, I prayed that she would not have cancer.”

first date

When I met rob I had no idea it would go in the direction that it had gone. Handsome guy, tall and smart and ready for the world to tackle and full of passion to do all these things. Yes, he was the picturesque Man! So it seems to me that it would never happen. This brings to mind so many things that I was thinking but not only that, also what he was thinking. We both were going into it with one eye open and the other eye closed, kind of not really aware of what the other was doing. “Hi rob, its sarah bruckell, do you remember me? We used to go to school together!“ He didn’t remember so I had some explaining to do. ‘That’s ok,’ I thought. Men are sometimes oblivious to these things. But I loved him the minute we saw each other that day at Chapters. Wearing a green sweater and walking through my line to check out some books, I could see that he was beaming with light and a passion to learn and be the best man he could be. He was buying books that had to do with education, he had a job in this field! How smart he is, trying to better his intelligence with these books. 'Do men even do this?' I thought, and handing him his bag was a huge smile on my face saying, “Man, you have grown up to be an exceptional man. I love you indeed.” Did he feel the same for me, was he as looking forward to our next visit at Chapters? How was I going to find out? Maybe I could forget about him if things were different but he was reciprocating feelings all the time, when I would do something to show him my love, he would show his love as well. This was happening as soon as we met up until this very moment as I am writing this story. “Sarah, he said to me one day, how have you been, it's been a while?" I said I was okay. “Things have not really appeared to be in my favour. But I am excited and looking forward to the future. I was ACTUALLY that optimistic. I was on the market again and I was excited about that and my future in teaching young children. "How can I complain? I’m here in this beautiful big city and I am so excited to be sharing this day with you. It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon and I have some family here even, and I’m so glad we met here at the same time. It’s almost like fate that we have ended up here hey," I said, to which he replied, “Yes, it’s so good to see you. And actually," he said, "maybe we could do something more than meeting at the coffee shop this time, would you like to go to a restaurant for dinner some night?” My answer was yes and it was immediate, there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted this. We were off to a great start.

3 months

When I went to italy that year and I watched john go on the plane back home, I knew something new was going to happen. I could feel it in my bones. I was watching couples happy and content, holding hands and talking of wonderful times and memories they had had and their time spent here. “Were suppose to be engaged, getting married soon, and all we can do is fight about everything. Maybe we need some time apart. I want us to get married in a joyful mindset not as an obligation that we give into just because it’s the right thing to do. To me, our hearts have to be ready for it, wanting it and longing for it, and so happy in that and that is not how I feel. It’s like were forcing it and not forgiving each other. I know I’m holding onto the past, and not allowing my heart to love you” “Are you calling off the wedding? I mean, why are you complaining and talking about our engagement like it were some dead thing in the past that you don’t want to procede with?" “Because it does feel dead. From you leaving me with Michelle, trying to cover up all of that and walking into it blindly is to me not a good idea, you know? You guys left me and now I’m scarred for life and I don’t know how to get over it. I think maybe some time apart, not thinking about our engagement, marriage and relationship would help me. I’M NOT GIVING UP ON IT HONEY, IM JUST SAYING GIVE IT A FEW MONTHS.” “Okay but don’t give up on us, I love you and you are my fiancé. I want to be with you forever.” “Definitely honey. You too are still my love. I would never give up on us. You are not like other men before you. Yes, maybe I will always be sort of a wanderer but I will never give up on us. Listen, Dan and Joshua don’t compare to you. I had so much trouble with them, but when we have trouble, I surprisingly never leave you. You can call me names, talk about my weaknesses, never listen to me, always test me and I love you so much, these things always bring me back to you and harder than ever. I don’t want you to worry about us, I just want some space for a while. Going on this trip was suppose to bring us closer like we needed something like this because maybe we weren’t spending enough time together, enough at home but I feel like it has drawn us apart. So what I think I need is time away just like you did with Michelle in your own way! I’m not bringing that up to be a pest, to annoy the heck out of you. I want you to go home, spend time with your family, friends, and give me a few months? “Okay honey, I trust you and I hope we can be together again soon. Remember, our love will never fade, it is too strong for that!”