love each other

So off we went from the hospital as dad picked us up. I just want the reader and viewer to know that not only do I care about my mom, but I was looking for validation and support from someone, anyone, about my mom. That’s why John was there. I know that women have different reasons for falling in love, though looks and let's say loyalty and faithfulness are good reasons as well. I mean, having a good and fulfilling relationship WITH THE WOMAN WHO GAVE YOU BIRTH is a great goal. Mom wasn’t always there for me, as a person who had ten years of depression, she was socially distant for years after it so I always felt something was missing but in this moment in history where this guy named John was there, I finally found myself connected to my mom but also loving this man for connecting me to my mom again! Maybe it has always been hard for me to love her, support her and be there for her. But in this moment, in which John was asking me questions about her, he was actually making me feel truly loved because someone cared about my relationship with her. Someone cared about something that felt close to my heart. And showed me what it felt like to be close to my mom, because he was right there with me conversing about her as though she were there with us. People don’t realize the depression makes you unavailable to those around you and they’re taking care of you! I’ve heard it so many times, that she couldn’t take care of us because her condition took all her energy to focus on herself. And when I say she was socially unavailable I think the illness kept coming back because I couldn’t have a relationship with her, she wouldn’t let me. But this moment with John made all the pain go away, all the years of rejection and neglect go away because I finally found someone who cared about her misfortunes and thereby made me feel safe in sharing her with him and about her. I guess its really important to me how I treat her and how others do as well. I guess she was the kind of mother that never smiled, when I would try to make conversation with her about how she was doing she would just say “im fine, sarah”. I wanted a friendship, love, connection and all the things I was looking for with John, things mom couldn't do or be for me. And that I received. John could do all of that. Maybe its okay for moms to be in such a hole that they can’t get out of it until later. Maybe years of healing and restoration was needed for me to realize that she needed her space and time to herself before she could make time for me. And I know I’m still depending on a person for happiness in saying that, but I just don’t buy the notion that you don’t find peace and love and connection with people, you have to find it in yourself first. I think that’s a universal lie that we are lying to ourselves because we were given each other to love, connect and support each other. We are designed for each other, not for ourselves.