Amy and New York move

Fight with Amy Crying my eyes out one day with Amy, telling her of all John had done with Sandra, I was not sure how I should break it to Amy everything I had gone through. Amy, I said, I am I love with someone who is in love with someone else. Except he says he’s not in love. How do you know? Uh…because someone told me online I said Sarah, you cant marry him, like you’ve told me several times What do you mean I cant marry him? Hes married Sarah, don’t you get it? I get it, but its not certain in my mind. I don’t know what happened. It could be nothing. I mean what if hes doing all of this with her because of me. He told me he did it all for me. That is not enough. Did he call you? Text you? Has he been in touch at all these last few years? Well no. He said as the wedding was taking place that he was just ‘having a good time with his friends.’ This is why I dont buy or believe anything you or anyone says. Sarah, anyone telling you to listen to them care about you in the now, in the real world while youre up on top of us, out of reality and in a perceptive world that is not even true. I know he said this stuff to you, but hes married now you said and you are single. Why cant you go on being with a normal and real man? You cant marry him, hes already taken. I will not give up, he’s everything I could hope for. And theres not a soul on the earth that could change my mind. And some friend you are, I need you right now and you are not even saying anything to make the situation better. I have to go. I never want to see you again! From Edmonton to New York My last talk with Amy led me to the realization that I had to move on somewhere, there was nothing here for me, there were not any hopes of friendships and relationships developing at all and now my heart was on broken pieces because my best friend would not stay on my side. Everyone was against me. How could I stay here.. So I started to look for jobs in New York until I found one I liked. All my hard work at the University through this mad storm I was going through, was my saving grace! I had something to take me to a place I LOVED and it would hopefully keep my eyes off of these personal problems I was having. So I looked up some print journalism jobs. There were lots but only a few of them caught my eye. There was an online newspaper hiring at a nearby school, not much money and only for a short period of time to take a temporary position. ‘That’s okay,’ I thought. A year is plenty of time to accomplish a lot at an online journalism job! So I applied. I did not have the qualifications as some candidates probably, but they liked my sample article writing from university and I was determined that I was right, that this was the job for me! It had to be. Right where I wanted to be, this job could be carried anywhere I wanted, and I would be writing on news stories happening on the University Campus. When the Editor in Chief called me after I applied, I was absolutely delighted in how the interview went but I guess you just never know what is going to happen. So I didn’t keep my hopes up for fear of failure. What would happen next changed my life forever and it was a resounding yes!!! He was so welcoming and positive about how he thought it would go for me. I guess their biggest proof of this was my writing samples. I had article about news events conducted by the chair of the school I was at, art shows at the school, an article on a particular sculpture, and different events being held at the school. “How did that go, the fundraiser you had covered, what was it for?” “We as a school like to give back to our community so we often have fundraisers for the students needing extra food and they are allowed to pick and choose what they need.. They come in to the school and take what they need from the booth being displayed at the bottom portion of the University.” “Great. Sounds great,” he said back and it was a done deal.

italy explained

When I went to Italy with John, all the expressions of who we were was being revealed to the both of us. He was tired from work, I was overwhelmed with getting myself back from New York. We decided we needed a break and wanted to share it together. Sometimes it's just better to sit, think and breathe in nothing. From my point of view, I just wanted to relax and have a good time. What you were seeing in that part of my story was the willingness to enjoy my life, take life step by step and John just wants to have fun. He took us on the gondola ride, he would comment on every excursion we went on, saying, “look at that honey, look at this,” I guess he’s just the extrovert that I am not. When we got to the churches he’s like interested in all the hidden detail, the painting jobs, the golden walls and roof, the depiction of renaissance society in history through the pictures of naked people and I’m just viewing all of this thinking, ‘this is really relaxing and I love the paint and etc.. as well.’ You can expect a lot of that in this book! Remember it's just about how these walls are relaxing and surreal to me but he wants to experience everything over and over again because that’s what he loves, who he is…do everything! “No John,” I said to him one day and the future marriage problems were already starting to come out here. He wanted me to attend another excursion with him that was going to be so much fun for us. I didn’t want to because I wanted to be there to forget about life and enjoy it calmly but the thing with my husband is that he is always pushing for the next best thing. Don’t get me wrong, he's mine and I love him so much, but we ARE JUST DEFFERENT there. Men are like that I guess, and it is not always up to the woman to compromise, we work together as a team and John just didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay longer and I didn’t. He ended up coming with me anyway. But this is why I’m happy with him in my life. He brings excessive joy to my life like not other. He cooks, he cleans (😉), he’s an adventurer and I love this (though not to the EXTREMES that he takes his adventures)! I mean I could go on forever, there are so many things I love about him: he’s smart, protective, a leader, a dearest friend; he loves children, his job and all those wonderful things. But it doesn’t end in all of the material aspects of feeling in love. It has to be more for it to work. There will be hard times, so it has to be worth it to stay. The key is, he chooses me every time, no matter how it feels and no matter what I’ve done. He needed to show that to me and that is why I am writing this book for the reader: love is a choice. What will you choose? That is why I say yes and this is why I will marry him. So on we went. I had my ring on my finger with my purse on and my luggage on the other arm. I had a promise in my heart most of all that I would never forget. And I was in love with love. And that’s okay, you can be desperately and incandescently in love! We would board that plane with a kiss before we would sit down, luggage above our heads in the compartment. I would say to him, “sorry I didn’t want to stay, it’s not that I don’t care, I’m just ready for home.” And in his compliant and considerate way, he would say, “anything for you and your happiness, babe, and that makes me happy. Just to be with you is everything that I could have dreamed for.” “Same. I will always be here for you. My heart can be relied upon for that.” “Let’s forget everything that is behind us now because now all I want to do is be with you. Forever. Is that ok?” “Yes. I am ready and so are you.” “Ya, but it takes two to tango and that is the reason we work. I’m more than enough and you are just enough!” “Excuse me, we are a team, I’m not just a lesser scale of you. I’m unique. That’s why you love me, I’m different. And you are amazing.” “You are amazing yourself,” he said.

everything explained

I left with another man who will remain nameless. This was quite past when they decided to end it. But first lets explain what happened before that which involved another man. He was tall, a raquet player, polite – everything I loved in John. John had hurt me so bad, he wouldn’t stop doing everything that bugged me with Sandra, I frankly did not know how to communicate with him. My anger was so high because he just kept on being with her while I was alone. She was walking one day, and I was in the same vicinity as she was. I thought this was her way of expressing that it was over and I could come along with them now, because she could at least look me in the eye and be close to me. When they kept holding hands in pictures and indicating their so called love for each other after that, in words on social media, it was apparent to me that I was not important to him anymore. Im not saying that leaving him while hes with her is necessarily right. The average person would though but because I knew inside information, I held out so long to see what would come out of it. But nothing did. Im just thinking like, after that interaction, things will start to look up. But they did not at all. Remember, my rage was so immense, I just could not hold it back. But with my last bit of strength and being humble, to take a moment to settle down and give him yet again another benefit of the doubt, give him a chance to prove himself as one who still loves me, I sent a message to him, that I would come back to the church we attended. It was an outright “no”. What was I to do really? I had no idea what to do! To me, in the flesh, based on what I had seen, he was history, he was showing me that him and his family do not want me. In the inner man, in my spirit, I knew he loved me, but this was not enough to override my fears, my anger, disappointment and feeling of unworthiness. Despite what I felt in the flesh or believe inside, number one I was done with this nonsense and second to that, I just felt this is just all so wrong. So I left. I left with a man that seemed interested. At least it was a man who showed that interest and filled my void, my wounds from John. So whose right then and whose wrong? He felt like it was a betrayal. But he did things to me that were not quite so bad and still felt like one as well. On one hand, his family thinks I betrayed him. On the other, something Im leaving out is that he fabricated everything with Sandra that brought me to tears. They pretended to get married. This is utter betrayal, even if it ends up being in my favour in the end. Youre still hurting, betraying, bc your lady in waiting is dealing with a heart problem of trying to trust you and you are making her believe that she has to leave bc another woman satisfies you more and not her. So you break her heart because all of her dreams are being shattered by the one man that she put her trust in. So please don’t come to me and tell me that its my fault, that im the one who broke a heart. He did it first. So even though it turns out in favor for both of us, his method of shattering still leaves me with a broken heart and my method does the same. Im only writing this not to point the finger at anyone but to say we both hurt each other. I tried everything I could to make it right. And perhaps he did too. But a broken heart remains broken no matter how bad the betrayal. When it is labelled not as bad as opposed to something that is more obviously a betrayal, we often think the former is not betrayal because the pain is minimal. Really moving on with another person, versus moving on with someone who you don’t genuinely see yourself being with both hurt. Im not here writing this to judge, but to make the pain right and express my deepest feelings about it. You will understand more as we progress through the book.

last pages

In this point of the story sarah does not know how it will end as in most, one does not want to give it to the reader. John had left as mentioned and I was dnot feeling my best. I know its wrong but one thoghh being in love with him I had to fill my mind nd my life with something to ge over it, over him and her and the temptation to believe that im unworthyc of his love. That’s what it all feels like. And John would xsay he didn’t leave me or forsake me for Samdra but how can I go like that in this situation and not have a single doubt in my mind about that. Don’t women rely on that firm word of love and devotion thatz we feel when da man sets himself only up for one woman. Am I nuts to think that he can not be trusted, that even though a friend that he could fall in love with her and then im doomed because I lose my love of my life. So tell me reader, if I should go on or move on like most of my friends and the people I meetsay to do. My chances are pretty low right and that’s just not his perspective. He says, hes giving me space and letting me be alone like I want to, but it doesn’t necessarifly mean that he has tod leave right. So whose fault is this if things get way out of hand? Of course its his fault and all the male readers and anyone on his side in this will say that I am wrong, that its my fault if anything bad happens. Or can we say it’s the fault of those that started it in the first place. This is the age old question of relatinoships. And not only that todays people are always saying “live your life” and “let things go” and “go on an adventure”? right? So most people say and are in favour of letting go. IO guess im saying don’t have fun, don’t take risks, place it safe and don’t allow yourself to grow, learn and develop in the choices youb make. Ill leave it up to you what you think you would do, but for me, im thinking “im gonna get hurt” and “shes gonna fall in love” (even though he wont)! I guess in a way its a good idea to let go, as long as we stay in love. So saying I don’t want the adventure means I don’t want all of the fun, all the growing; I seriously think hes just doing this becuase he loves the adrenaline rush and the pursuit that men say they love. So lets see what happens and if he comes back and the outcome of it all on the both of us. But first lets look at all the opinions that Im not suppose to be listening to and whom say I should let go. Those kinds of people in my life I realize are not living by faith day to day. That’s what I call boring and bland and a waste of precious time. What fun is it to live life like that! One of my closest friends in Edmonton when he left, said that I should let him go. Her words being, “You never know who could come along,” pretty much she said. “If you don’t let go of what you have or long for you will never experience something new.” So this statement is the kind of statement saying that you have to ‘let the old things go if we want to experience something new. ‘ Okay sos I like that but not fint eh sense that she I smeaning. She wants me to not get hurt to not take risks because there could be someone else around the corner. But fi don’t want to let him go. I like what sh says because it helps me realize that its okay to let him go for a while, but I am not don her side and she doesn’t drealixe that because I don’t tell her that but we end up not really talking about this conversation and not being friends for the rest of my diuration in Edmonton. You might say oh shes been hurt in the past, thatsa why shes saying that. Well she has a past that hav framed her minds opinions. But this is not really why shes saying this. Shes saying this because this kind of love has never happened to anyone and she doesn’t fknow how to handle it except to let it go!!