everything explained

I left with another man who will remain nameless. This was quite past when they decided to end it. But first lets explain what happened before that which involved another man. He was tall, a raquet player, polite – everything I loved in John. John had hurt me so bad, he wouldn’t stop doing everything that bugged me with Sandra, I frankly did not know how to communicate with him. My anger was so high because he just kept on being with her while I was alone. She was walking one day, and I was in the same vicinity as she was. I thought this was her way of expressing that it was over and I could come along with them now, because she could at least look me in the eye and be close to me. When they kept holding hands in pictures and indicating their so called love for each other after that, in words on social media, it was apparent to me that I was not important to him anymore. Im not saying that leaving him while hes with her is necessarily right. The average person would though but because I knew inside information, I held out so long to see what would come out of it. But nothing did. Im just thinking like, after that interaction, things will start to look up. But they did not at all. Remember, my rage was so immense, I just could not hold it back. But with my last bit of strength and being humble, to take a moment to settle down and give him yet again another benefit of the doubt, give him a chance to prove himself as one who still loves me, I sent a message to him, that I would come back to the church we attended. It was an outright “no”. What was I to do really? I had no idea what to do! To me, in the flesh, based on what I had seen, he was history, he was showing me that him and his family do not want me. In the inner man, in my spirit, I knew he loved me, but this was not enough to override my fears, my anger, disappointment and feeling of unworthiness. Despite what I felt in the flesh or believe inside, number one I was done with this nonsense and second to that, I just felt this is just all so wrong. So I left. I left with a man that seemed interested. At least it was a man who showed that interest and filled my void, my wounds from John. So whose right then and whose wrong? He felt like it was a betrayal. But he did things to me that were not quite so bad and still felt like one as well. On one hand, his family thinks I betrayed him. On the other, something Im leaving out is that he fabricated everything with Sandra that brought me to tears. They pretended to get married. This is utter betrayal, even if it ends up being in my favour in the end. Youre still hurting, betraying, bc your lady in waiting is dealing with a heart problem of trying to trust you and you are making her believe that she has to leave bc another woman satisfies you more and not her. So you break her heart because all of her dreams are being shattered by the one man that she put her trust in. So please don’t come to me and tell me that its my fault, that im the one who broke a heart. He did it first. So even though it turns out in favor for both of us, his method of shattering still leaves me with a broken heart and my method does the same. Im only writing this not to point the finger at anyone but to say we both hurt each other. I tried everything I could to make it right. And perhaps he did too. But a broken heart remains broken no matter how bad the betrayal. When it is labelled not as bad as opposed to something that is more obviously a betrayal, we often think the former is not betrayal because the pain is minimal. Really moving on with another person, versus moving on with someone who you don’t genuinely see yourself being with both hurt. Im not here writing this to judge, but to make the pain right and express my deepest feelings about it. You will understand more as we progress through the book.