goodbyeforever

So as Rob and I left one night on a date, things could not have been more perfect! He’s my ultimate package, great job, position in the company that i was in. But i had doubts? Does he love me? Does he meet my needs, is he willing to work on the things that drive us apart? Yes, he had the whole package, and all this time that’s what was important to me. But as he’s standing there, not kissing me, not engaging with me in a moment, when i thought he should, because i was ready for it, he never did. He said he had to go and as he left he opened the door for me, dropped me home and there was not a kiss in sight for us! It was the longest drive home of my life. Letters, glances, dates and especially feelings, expectations and mental pictures of him in mind were only now a fleeting moment. Why did this have to happen? I thought we had it great, we weren’t talking about kids and we weren’t talking about things too soon, so i did not know why he would leave like that. Holding his hand was like a dream. It was everything I ever imagined it to be. Butterflies, security when times are tough and it ultimately feels good. It was nice to know that someone was there holding my hand through it all. Then we had times of looking into each other’s eyes, saying we loved each other and that we couldn’t imagine going down a road differently than this one. I agreed. I mean when a man uses words like that to affirm his feelings and they line up with a woman’s feelings, the stars are aligned and it’s a done deal. It touches a girl’s heart and they are one for life. At least, that’s what a girl is going through when a man tells her he loves her; i don’t know about a man, but this is what I went through. Now i know he probably didn’t mean to break my heart and leave me like I’m nothing to him, after all those words he used on me. But it is broken. It is frail. It is not beating right now. It has died, just like our relationship and the feelings we had for each other. If there is any chance of reconciliation, it will be because he gets on his knees and begs, because the way he left me, left me in tears one day. Why should I allow myself to fall for a man who has betrayed me. So I listened to the radio this one day, a woman went back to a man that had left her – FOR ANOTHER WOMAN. SO I SAID TO MYSELF THAT DAY, “if he comes back after being with someone he loved after leaving me, I will reject him.” Because he had to have a reason for dropping me off that day in that awful manner. There was another girl, I instantly thought after hearing the radio! And that is the worst feeling I had ever had to date – when a man leaves you for another woman!

consumerism?

After her meeting with Robert, she couldn’t help but that the people all around her were helping her to get over the past. In she went to work one day, only to find flowers and a note on her desk. And work was just one of those things. She was summoned to the boss’ office though so she thought she’d look at them later. When she got to Ron’s office, he had something to tell her. And this time it was good! Her last article had impressed him. “How did you come up with this idea in your article?”, “I could tell it was so researched that you got into the characters heads and the heads of the audience, its like you were one of them and your writing was as crisp as buns roasting on the upwards of a fire. I like that line, “Consumerism is fleeting, like friends that come and go, but feeding our interests we need NEVER FORGET”. “Thank you Ron. I just saw the audience as those people I wrote about in University who are like obssessed with having the best looking houses. I just thought we are only obsessed with consumerism to the extent that people like what we have and not necessarily about our own wellbeing. I thought that should be reversed and we have to not forgot about ourselves and how we see ourselves, not just how someone else sees us! This doesn’t mean we don’t care about other people and their preferences, but we should never be ruled by them. Know what I mean?” “That’s brilliant,” said Ron, “I want everyone of your projects in working for me to display this kind of instruction toward our audiences here in New York. I think it could really work. You should have a unique and special twist on it every time, but centre around building yourself, bettering and rewarding yourself through your consumerism, what you buy, what you extract from the world around you!” She agreed. This was such a universal truth that any viewer, any consumer would want to adopt for her audience. We always tell each other: love one another and that is divine. We love giving gifts, I mean other than Christmas time when we buy for our loved ones, we need to buy for others, but lets motivate our readers to keep uplifting themselves by being a consumer of their own needs.. Forget what people say, forget what they do, just focus on self so that you can truly be happy. We can get overwhelmed by trying to please everyone especially when it comes to those that judge you by your clothes, your furniture, your job. It is time to stand up for ourselves and be our own version of ourselves! This fits into the whole wellness, especially mental discourse, conversation, and lifestyle people are starting to accentuate these days. Let’s take care of our own bodies and life so we do not need to depend on others as much and when we don’t have them, we’re okay, because were working on ourselves the whole time! So back to the flowers on the desk, her desk, it was Robert of course! He was just saying come and hang for a date on Friday! Omg she was so in love. The past had still lingered her mind from the guy in Canada, but this new guy was helping her to get Over that!

robbie2

One day we walked passed each other and stopped to talk. The first conversation felt genuine, interested, and he was always looking at me. How could I say no? He asked about how things were going and I answered back very decidedly that I was just focusing and trying to improve the best that I can! We talked about what he likes to do, play cricket and how I just spend my weekends at the coffee shop with Mel. Like normal adults talking about how life is right now. Somewhere in this narrative of which we were talking, I liked his life and he liked mine! That’s when in a heavenly and almost impossible way, I knew that I was falling for him and wanted him. I didn’t know how I could have these feelings for someone I just met. My thoughts were I just met you, and I was thinking to myself I need to pray about this and not want to go so fast. But more importantly, I was standing in front of the most amazing man I had ever met. Those kinds of feelings are okay. You’re in love, for me. You’re doubting, wondering, loving, desiring, wanting and receiving (as for me) all at the same time, and it can go differently for every woman, but for me, I had some experiences along the way that taught me love came with doubts. Anyway, where was I, I was experiencing the love of a lifetime. As much as I loved him then, I loved him now even more. My love had now catapulted its way through our small interactions before the note and now we had finished our date. The love I had for him is eternal because throughout all these experiences, I still felt the same. One day I went to see him in his office. Another lady was just leaving. So I walked in. Straight away he said "have a seat." That was the most welcomed and intimate I felt with him... because he made a decision to include me in his life. I felt absolutely wanted, deliberately pursued and wonderfully accepted. Some people looking into this conversation, may say he’s just trying to be nice. But I beg to differ. He didn’t ask the other lady to sit down, he asked me and that makes me feel super special. I loved that about him! We talked maybe ten minutes as I was on my break, and as he was looking in my eyes, and I in his, we clicked. Because we spoke the same language, the same life, we were on the same path and we both said yes! No one can break a connection. How could I want anymore? There’s nothing for me to want. I don't know much about the soul. But I know that that was one of the days that got me saying, gosh, please don’t let him be taken, he’s absolutely wonderful.

a date with robbie

So when she returned to work the next day, Sarah noticed there was a note on her desk, much different than her usual types of notes. Her work friend, Mel, left it she thought, because she always tends to leave these types of notes around for her. You know, the types that go, “have a great day, girl”, or since my last writing entry, at which time Mel said, “You're the best girl, you rock!”… However, this time, it wasn’t just a memo, it was a note from Robbie, a worker on the third floor. He was working in the production department. And he sees all of the written articles so he would have seen mine the other day and now he was leaving me a card. I thought it looked a little different than something Mel would write, although my name was written on the front of the envelope like how Mel usually does it! It read, “I would love to see you, im waiting for your reply,” with his name at the bottom of the card. Everything went down from there. From then, I remember what he looked like but it was vague and none of that even mattered to me! I was in love with that first meeting in receiving this invitation. So I asked one of his coworkers to put a note on his desk, it was my phone number. I said “yes,” from the start! As I was reading his card, I had a huge smile on his face, and my heart was beating a thousand beats per minute. I am going to be the best version of myself but in a natural way, the way I really am naturally! Our first date was absolutely incredible! We went to an italien eatery on the 8th street downtown. He's really everything I would want and more. He's got class (polite, kind, loving), romantic, a great person to talk to and in such a great place in his life. Above all, a really, really nice guy. He opens doors and pulls out chairs for me, tells me to watch my step, I mean such a gentleman. But before I go into all his kind mannerisms, I got to tell you what happened in the office after and before this. Before the note, he would walk by my desk and I would smile back. He’d talk to other ladies around me, wave and say hello as he walked by me! We talked a few times before the card he sent. We talked of my writing and how I am always trying to improve. And in his gentlemanly manor, he says, “you’re doing amazing." I was wondering why is he saying that when all my other colleagues are saying this is garbage pretty much. And I thought, when I read the card, he was just complimenting me to hit on me. Man, I never get these things right away, I'm gullible!!! No wonder I can never get a guy. Oh well, I thought, as I read the card, a least I got him anyway.

the christmas parade

So the next day at work I knew I needed to toughen up and get an acceptable story going, one that was appealing to the New York audience and I had the perfect idea. I ran it by my boss and co-worker and it was solemnly approved! There was a parade happening this week and I was going to attend it! And what a way to find out the general spirit of Christmas and what would entertain the attendees. Who knows, I could ask a few questions about the parade and the general spirit of excitement, the festivity was just before Christmas so naturally there would be anticipation and looking forward to the great morning! I walked up to a young lady and her two kids, as they sat along the edges of the parade. “Hi, im a journalist covering the story of the parade,” I said and she let me interview her. “Oh, yes,” she says. “I love all the beautiful costumes, santa and his reindeer, I mean, it just adds to the whole effect of the parade on Christmas.” And of all the things she said, what she pointed out to me was how all of this is just so important to the kids. "That’s why we're here," she said, "because it just adds to the celebration of Christmas for them, makes it real to them and is something to have to celebrate and look forward to Christmas morning." You see to her, it's not just the materialism itself that makes Christmas so magical and fun, but life would be dull," she said, "if there weren’t people and children to share it with, to see their excitement and fulfillment in experiencing it is so heart warming." I thought this was amazing. So it's not like its all about the fashion and the show here, but New York cares about how it benefits them, what touches their heart and this time, it was about all the fun for the kids, something near and dear to their hearts. At that moment, Santa came rolling by AND YELLED A MERRY CHRISTMAS to all the children at this end of the parade. You see, the parade ended, but not the anticipation, no, that lived on, until Christmas morning. When I told Julie about it at work, she was completely attentive, looking me in the eye with a smile on her face, saying, now you have hit the mark! And so the article was all about that, thanks to the lady at the parade. She opened my eyes and I could see life was all about that, materialism, yes, but a relationship with someone that was accentuated by seeing all their dreams come true. And how could that ever happen without showering kids with the material things that come out of the pockets of their moms and dads! And she was right, how could one enjoy the season without the joy seen on children’s faces when they come to the parade and do things like this!

New York materialism

As I reflected on what my coworker said, I knew that she was right and that I was dealing with a new audience, a different demographic of people who are more into something else. It wasn’t like Ontario, where materialistic things were not everything to them, but all materialism was everything in New York! I can't just hide myself from the reality that I had to elevate my game! I can't go home and cry or pout like I would and try to avoid my problems. “What was the solution then?” I would ask myself! I would have to adjust my writing style to theirs, and any writer knows how hard it is to scrap one idea for one that you don’t even have yet. But I knew I needed to think up something and get to know this part of the United States that I already love so much. So I decided first to call up my friend from work and ask if we could go for drinks at the restaurant nearby work. We met there Saturday night because I needed to sulk the night before and is it just me, or is anyone else’s experience to be so exhausted Friday night that you don’t feel like doing anything, going out anywhere. So we went to this local restaurant called TGIF, also known as Thank God It’s Friday’s. We basically just talked about my writing style and what New York is like. For real, I knew that I came to the right place because I’m a little materialistic myself, I love clothes, how artwork lightens up a room and tells a story about something going on in the family that buys it! I love that there are so many magazines and publications in New York. It was an artistic and materialistic world. One time, I told her, I went to this art show that was featuring artwork with someone who asked me out to go with him. I don’t even talk to him anymore, to be honest, but that experience opens my eyes now in retrospect, that New Yorkers love a GOOD TIME and a chance to be part of art, artwork, expressions of themselves as artists and the chance to purchase something that as a buyer is also an expression of themselves. So social gatherings are a community that bring together all the different arts and feelings or aspirations of artists and buyers, entertainers and door welcomers alike. It really did remind me of Gertrude Stein and Sylvia Beach in all of their social gatherings to celebrate books. They were confident women, determined to change writing and the world writing stage in their connection to the magnificent, intelligent brains they had. So I just needed to get into their heads, the people of New York, and going out to meet them was my only option. I needed to find out what New York wants. So we left that night at the bar to find another artist-related function and this time it was about an author featuring her work and being published locally.

new york mistake

As I got the feedback about my paper, it brought feelings of nostalgia about something that happened to me in University in my hometown in Lethbridge, I had wrote a paper in the University’s Newspaper and this guy who read it basically said it wasn’t a proper review. I quit then but now i wasn’t going to do that. The paper was about a review of a play performance – he felt it should go beyond just what youre seeing in the play and rather should be about something else, something unique and significant that you saw about the characters, the plot, the setting, but it has to be greater than just those things. So not about character but how they dress and how that relates to what’s happening with the characters. I just quit then because I was weak, didn’t have the courage to do it, for fear he might criticize me again. But this discouragement, coming from my own paid work was not going to stop me! “Whats going on with your paper, hows it coming along?” a colleague asked me one day as I walked into work, full of anticipation of how the weekend went on it and excited to see what April would think of it. “It’s good,” I said, “it’s all I did for the weekend. Friday night I was so discouraged from it, I just watched Netflix with some popcorn and watched Downton Abbey, fell asleep, so it didn’t get touched that night, but when do I ever go out Friday nights anyway!?” The coworker April went on. “okay, so what happened for the rest of the weekend?” Well it was on how people use buying décor for their homes, including chairs, tables, couches, pillows and it's actually based on a paper I wrote in University. I thought it was a great idea because then you can appeal to a certain member of the audience who buys a lot of furniture, but since its really about criticizing those people because it states that we shouldn’t put our hope in ours possessions, the fulfillment won't last. The professor gave me an A but our boss Nathan said it wasn’t appropriate for here. “Ya well, we’e appealing to OUR audience, and they want to see the advantage, the value of purchasing material things so If you think that’s immoral you have to set that aside bc this is New York, it’s a different ballgame! People love buying stuff to show off to their friends and family, especially around now at Christmas." “Ya I get that, it just feels like I fell short, I should have known better because I know it's such a consumer culture here and it is in Canada too but way more here, you walk into J.C. Penny and people are fighting over who gets the last deal on a tv and that stuff just doesn’t happen in Canada, if you don’t get what you want you move on, but anyway here it is. I changed it up again and I think it’s better. “Good,” said Andrea, it just needed some tweeking, what else is new? That’s a writing career for you!