love each other

So off we went from the hospital as dad picked us up. I just want the reader and viewer to know that not only do I care about my mom, but I was looking for validation and support from someone, anyone, about my mom. That’s why John was there. I know that women have different reasons for falling in love, though looks and let's say loyalty and faithfulness are good reasons as well. I mean, having a good and fulfilling relationship WITH THE WOMAN WHO GAVE YOU BIRTH is a great goal. Mom wasn’t always there for me, as a person who had ten years of depression, she was socially distant for years after it so I always felt something was missing but in this moment in history where this guy named John was there, I finally found myself connected to my mom but also loving this man for connecting me to my mom again! Maybe it has always been hard for me to love her, support her and be there for her. But in this moment, in which John was asking me questions about her, he was actually making me feel truly loved because someone cared about my relationship with her. Someone cared about something that felt close to my heart. And showed me what it felt like to be close to my mom, because he was right there with me conversing about her as though she were there with us. People don’t realize the depression makes you unavailable to those around you and they’re taking care of you! I’ve heard it so many times, that she couldn’t take care of us because her condition took all her energy to focus on herself. And when I say she was socially unavailable I think the illness kept coming back because I couldn’t have a relationship with her, she wouldn’t let me. But this moment with John made all the pain go away, all the years of rejection and neglect go away because I finally found someone who cared about her misfortunes and thereby made me feel safe in sharing her with him and about her. I guess its really important to me how I treat her and how others do as well. I guess she was the kind of mother that never smiled, when I would try to make conversation with her about how she was doing she would just say “im fine, sarah”. I wanted a friendship, love, connection and all the things I was looking for with John, things mom couldn't do or be for me. And that I received. John could do all of that. Maybe its okay for moms to be in such a hole that they can’t get out of it until later. Maybe years of healing and restoration was needed for me to realize that she needed her space and time to herself before she could make time for me. And I know I’m still depending on a person for happiness in saying that, but I just don’t buy the notion that you don’t find peace and love and connection with people, you have to find it in yourself first. I think that’s a universal lie that we are lying to ourselves because we were given each other to love, connect and support each other. We are designed for each other, not for ourselves.

moms okay

She continues. “So when she came out of the operating room, I was so excited to tell her the news. I saw them bring a mobile bed to her room, as I was waiting there for her. What was I to do?! Contain my excitement, overflowing with anticipation and anxiousness to tell my mother. Her face was completely yellow and as I waited for her to open her eyes, I was so relieved. Well, I knew that she was finally alive once her eyes were open and that was when I told the news coming from the surgeon. I can't tell you how relieved I was that this was all over and that my mom was fine. I mean, we went from entering the hospital and not knowing what would surface in her ovaries, looking at the foothills, Calgary hospital to sitting down and balling out our eyeball, and finally to this major sigh at the relief that the cancer was all cleaned out!" John was sitting there eyes glued to me. I could not be sure if he was glued to the story or my boobs (I’ve seen him look once or twice). He says, “I know, it's heartbreaking sometimes because you hope for the best. There’s actual relief that that hope is the bridge between your faith and your breakthrough because fear just wont leave you until your miracle happens." “Well, not exactly John,” I said, “God wants us to believe first and then see the outcome. That’s what faith is, believing in something that’s not there yet and if we are not believing and we just see the proof of it; if god gave us that all the time, the end result, we would never have uncertainty, or hope for a better future.” John held his tongue because he didn’t want to argue with me, since I was his future wife. “Yes, that’s what I meant to say!” “Well, so how is your mom now?” he’d say. “I mean has it been some time since this happened?" “Yes, it’s been about a year. I guess she just got lucky. But luck I don’t really believe in. That’s different than blessed of god. You see, if our friend Diane died after having two battles with cancer, and if she wasn’t spared than why would my mother? It could have been her that left us early. I’ve read books of moms dying in their fifties and this was happening for Diane but not now for my mom.” He went on. “Sometimes in life, bad things do happen to good people. People get paralyzed in freak accidents or get cancer, terminal illnesses, mental wellness illnesses and addictions manifest, leading to bad behaviours. You said you’re lucky and then you said you’re blessed but I think for some reason it's fate and destiny for your mom to still be alive, even though she could not have survived, let's say if the cyst had not been detected until later.” “Well ya,” I said. “My mom detected it on her stomach first. Then my dad encouraged her to see the doctor. Next the doctor turned her away saying it was nothing until she went back and really believed it wasn’t NOTHING. Thennnnn she went to the hospital that weekend! Why are doctors like this, it’s like you have to push them to do things, when they should be the ones getting their act together and finding out the problem instead of pushing it under the rug?”

mom

I was so nervous one day as I saw him sitting by himself at chapters. He looked so good. His hair slicked back and talking on the phone. He had the best smile but then he put down the phone as I came towards him. Obviously I wouldn’t have if he was busy on his phone. But as he gently put down the phone he looked so cute sitting by himself so I just went to get a drink and he was sitting close to me, I turned around and said “hi” to which he replied, “hi sarah, how are you doing?” I replied with “great”, because I wasn’t working this time, I was just here to see him really and my feeling was that if I could just see him, life would be better. That would be the last time I would see him sitting and he would be able to have a long conversation together with me because he would take off with Michelle after this. Anyway, he was telling me of his plans to be a doctor. I was really into this because I have a father who is a chiropractor and my grandfather was a doctor too! It's just in my blood. I can't really explain why but when john told me he was applying to get into med school, I was so excited. I had always been into how doctors take care of other people. They treat problems with medication for illnesses, they talk to them about their problems, their job is just endless. “One day,” I told him, “my mom had a cyst in her stomach. My dad noticed it one day and the doctor sent her to the local big city to get it removed. She was really lucky. I had to go to the hospital with her, my dad had to work, and it was so emotional for my mom and I. This man came over and said he would be in the operating room with her. That was the very moment I realized what doctors really do, and my heart was touched by how much they do. We were both crying." myself because I was scared of the end result, I just didn’t know what was going to happen to my mom.” “And what happened to her? What was the outcome?” he asked. “Well I was sitting in the waiting room and I hadn’t heard from the surgeon yet. I wanted to hear the result, but I was just sitting there and I asked god to spare her life. I know all she had was a cyst but I was still concerned of the unknown, right!? Anyways, I got a call from the surgeon whom said “everything is normal and they got rid of both ovaries so as not to spread. Just in case!” “Well im glad everything is alright. I know that stuff can be kind of scary.” “Well yaaaaaaa,” I said. “That might just be an understatement. I haven’t always been super close with my mother, but I deeply care for her and I just get emotional in things like this because I just don’t want to lose her. She means so much to me. When we lost a friend to cancer I just knew it was a real thing and could happen to anyone. In the waiting room this is what I was thinking about, and moreover, I prayed that she would not have cancer.”

first date

When I met rob I had no idea it would go in the direction that it had gone. Handsome guy, tall and smart and ready for the world to tackle and full of passion to do all these things. Yes, he was the picturesque Man! So it seems to me that it would never happen. This brings to mind so many things that I was thinking but not only that, also what he was thinking. We both were going into it with one eye open and the other eye closed, kind of not really aware of what the other was doing. “Hi rob, its sarah bruckell, do you remember me? We used to go to school together!“ He didn’t remember so I had some explaining to do. ‘That’s ok,’ I thought. Men are sometimes oblivious to these things. But I loved him the minute we saw each other that day at Chapters. Wearing a green sweater and walking through my line to check out some books, I could see that he was beaming with light and a passion to learn and be the best man he could be. He was buying books that had to do with education, he had a job in this field! How smart he is, trying to better his intelligence with these books. 'Do men even do this?' I thought, and handing him his bag was a huge smile on my face saying, “Man, you have grown up to be an exceptional man. I love you indeed.” Did he feel the same for me, was he as looking forward to our next visit at Chapters? How was I going to find out? Maybe I could forget about him if things were different but he was reciprocating feelings all the time, when I would do something to show him my love, he would show his love as well. This was happening as soon as we met up until this very moment as I am writing this story. “Sarah, he said to me one day, how have you been, it's been a while?" I said I was okay. “Things have not really appeared to be in my favour. But I am excited and looking forward to the future. I was ACTUALLY that optimistic. I was on the market again and I was excited about that and my future in teaching young children. "How can I complain? I’m here in this beautiful big city and I am so excited to be sharing this day with you. It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon and I have some family here even, and I’m so glad we met here at the same time. It’s almost like fate that we have ended up here hey," I said, to which he replied, “Yes, it’s so good to see you. And actually," he said, "maybe we could do something more than meeting at the coffee shop this time, would you like to go to a restaurant for dinner some night?” My answer was yes and it was immediate, there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted this. We were off to a great start.

3 months

When I went to italy that year and I watched john go on the plane back home, I knew something new was going to happen. I could feel it in my bones. I was watching couples happy and content, holding hands and talking of wonderful times and memories they had had and their time spent here. “Were suppose to be engaged, getting married soon, and all we can do is fight about everything. Maybe we need some time apart. I want us to get married in a joyful mindset not as an obligation that we give into just because it’s the right thing to do. To me, our hearts have to be ready for it, wanting it and longing for it, and so happy in that and that is not how I feel. It’s like were forcing it and not forgiving each other. I know I’m holding onto the past, and not allowing my heart to love you” “Are you calling off the wedding? I mean, why are you complaining and talking about our engagement like it were some dead thing in the past that you don’t want to procede with?" “Because it does feel dead. From you leaving me with Michelle, trying to cover up all of that and walking into it blindly is to me not a good idea, you know? You guys left me and now I’m scarred for life and I don’t know how to get over it. I think maybe some time apart, not thinking about our engagement, marriage and relationship would help me. I’M NOT GIVING UP ON IT HONEY, IM JUST SAYING GIVE IT A FEW MONTHS.” “Okay but don’t give up on us, I love you and you are my fiancé. I want to be with you forever.” “Definitely honey. You too are still my love. I would never give up on us. You are not like other men before you. Yes, maybe I will always be sort of a wanderer but I will never give up on us. Listen, Dan and Joshua don’t compare to you. I had so much trouble with them, but when we have trouble, I surprisingly never leave you. You can call me names, talk about my weaknesses, never listen to me, always test me and I love you so much, these things always bring me back to you and harder than ever. I don’t want you to worry about us, I just want some space for a while. Going on this trip was suppose to bring us closer like we needed something like this because maybe we weren’t spending enough time together, enough at home but I feel like it has drawn us apart. So what I think I need is time away just like you did with Michelle in your own way! I’m not bringing that up to be a pest, to annoy the heck out of you. I want you to go home, spend time with your family, friends, and give me a few months? “Okay honey, I trust you and I hope we can be together again soon. Remember, our love will never fade, it is too strong for that!”

first discussion with Amy

It was a clean slate for me. This would be a new beginning, and I thought that meant another boyfriend, someone to move on with me. But I didnt know what to do anymore, John was the only man I ever met that I always had a strong connection to. Maybe that’s why I was willing to wait for him those 5 years. But my friend Amy, and this actually did happen in real life, told me she didn’t believe that he actually loved me. I broke down in tears one day in the early stages of their relationship, the two people who took off without me. I just kept saying “I know he loves me, I know I should wait.” She could have sat right there speaking the truth, that he’s left and that I should move on because obviously it was hurting me enough to cry, I was crying out REAL tears of fear, neglect, abandonment, doubt, lack of grace. I didn’t think I was worth it, like “why would he want to hear from me,” kind of thing. “Then why can’t you move on. He left, you’re crying over him, I would leave.” But I couldn’t. You see, Amy was so adamant about leaving him because she has the same thing happen to her. There was a man at church, a church I was also attending at first. They had sparks, Amy and Him, but he left and she told him in an email, “I hope all the best for you.” I guess she was seeing my situation with the same eyes. She thought he didn’t love me and I did not have ANY EVIDENCE THAT HE LOVED ME. I had no proof, just my heart and my determination to believe in him. As far as she and I could see, he decided on someone else and I should naturally just let go. “I can’t Amy,” I said. “I did not come all this way, know him for years, meet him here and let him go again just because he’s sworn to simply be vacationing with this long time friend named Sandra. See what I mean? All my labour will be in vain. I’ve done so much to get here and I’m not letting any woman take my place. I’m standing in the gap for him, fighting for him in thought, word and deed, to make sure I’m the only woman he loves.” I did not know it at the time but my prayers, my thoughts, my deeds, were standing to make sure that no one takes anything from him that belongs to me, including his body, mind and soul! So I told her I’ll be fine and thank you very much for not judging me because as much as I cry, I know its for him and he's for me! And I told her I know you mean good, have THE BEST OF INTENTIONS, but I’m going to be okay! I just needed a friend’s shoulder to cry on! "Take care" I said to her. And she dropped me home that day.

damn girl

When I was sitting next to this woman, I knew there was something mysterious about her. I never liked her, she’s seriously the kind of woman that was always that way with me. Poking into everyones business and though people like that I realized one night when she was talking to my man that this hate was being carried on a deeper level. She became not just a person that I had seen around at the salon, getting her hair done sometimes at the same time as me but that now she was entering the realm of my love affair with him. Im not going to sit here and let another girls urges interfere with mine. Like GIVE ME A BREAK, OVER MY DEAD BODY would I ever allow that! When she started doing this to him, her sweetness started to come out, and I was thinking, get out of here bitch, get off my man, or her sheer laughing and hysterical amusement of my past with him. Can you imagine me telling someone in confidence that I am in love with a man involved with another person (not with this girl) and it is almost immediately clear to that girl that she can laugh, act sweet to him and although I never told her not to, behave as though he was hers already when he was mine, clearly! This all happened at first in this hair salon! She was sitting down and I was ready to get up and a dialogue between us started! It was a “hey hello how are you doing, haven’t seen you in a while” kind of relationship. Flawless, priceless and something that I never thought would backfire, right? How could she, this woman I knew of that was now in front of my hair salon chair as becky did my hair now like for the umpteenth time and she all of a sudden, a church attender, was now standing before me as the person who would try to tear jon and I apart. You never know how much you will bleed, how much pain this involves, how much another woman loving your man, your future, your husband, can take a toll on you!! Im not writing this to give her the recognition she is seeking, im writing it to put my voice out there, to tell other people, namely younger women just how dangerous girls like this are and can steal from them, and if you have lost your man to her, that that was sure a loss that you could have won. Now this is not about me, I will never lose to her, but if you have then I am truly sorry and think that I am here, writing this for you because someone else did not see the value that is you, to try and win your man! This book is definitely about me, it is my personal life, but it is much more so for that type of girl, beautiful, attractive, INSIDE AND OUT, but whom did not have the confidence, drive and know-how in dealing with a girl like her! You are beautiful, driven, you have countless talents and know that God has blessed you with these wonderful things with a purpose in mind, that you will crush your opposers with the excellence of a beautiful hand. May your prince charming manifest after reading this book! Love you guys!