a fast engagement

So he came running to me one day saying where he was going and I finally felt like I was singing in his arms. He had one coat in hand and his luggage in the other as we sat down to have something to eat at the airport. (I took his jacket for him as we both looked at each other with the kiss of gratitude, love and passion.) “How did we ever do this past years without each other” I said with a tear rolling down my eye which he cleaned up for me” “I know” said he, “but here we are and it was worth the wait.” “You always say this, John, but I am always wondering how we could have let the time pass for so long, I mean was that worth it?” Gulp, went John. “Yes, it is worth it. It will be worth it after this. There it was, as I lifted his jacket to give to him, he said, “Can you feel anything in there? Can you grab it please, I need it?” And so that is what I did, as I looked I could see a jewellery container and that was exactly what it was. So, he asked me to pass it and soon enough he was opening it and there it was and there was he, leaning on one knee. “Will you marry me?” was the obvious, expected response, not without wrinkle, not without sincere passion for the love that he had for me due to the tone of his voice, the look of sincerity on his face, as I said “Yes, remarkably yes!” And that was that. We were engaged and the World was in shock as we were walking through the airport to get coffee and a muffin and out the doors as the first time which we would hold hands, kiss and be seen as the couple we always wanted to be. March 28, 2020 @ 9:43 am So John and I sat down for coffee. We put down his luggage and coat, where I had felt the ring and gave it to him. “What are we going to do now that we’re engaged,” we only had plans to go home and get him settled in. I had all these plans meeting people, like his family and some of our friends, Edmonton was a place we met, made our dreams reality by getting to know each other, pursuing our careers and school needs. How was I to know what would happen next. So he said to me, “I’m not in a rush to do anything except that family and friends are itching to know what we are up to because they know when I arrived, so should we tell them, I can email and text them and we can leave it at that for now because I just got in and I want to spend every waking moment with my fiancé, my wife!” “and what should we tell them about the engagement, when our wedding will be, all these things they are going to be asking us?” “We can tell them about our lives together and as wonderful as it is and what it is” “What do you mean, what it is, typical male response, that gives me hardly anything to work with” “Honey, just say that we’re engaged” “Okay, then, we can tell them that!” And off they went sipping their drinks and eating their muffins because they were as happy as can be and as looking forward to the future as any other could be.

Big huge fight (Sandra and John) Im sorry sandra, I cant help it, she loves me. I love you and we have proven that to ourselves, when you were with michelle. But now this is worse bc she actually is having a love relationship with you! I love her. What? This is what I am here to tell you, I don’t know about us. You don’t even have a good job. You don’t know about us! How can I trust that you will respect, honor and love me, were always mad at each other. Do you even know how to commit and listen to me as a husband, I don’t even think you will, You hate michelle and everything shes done. Like our relationship is going nowhere, it will just not work. Cant you see, we love eachother, and youre gonna come crawling back to me when you had enough of the high of being in a new relationship. Then youre gonnna realize that and have to reconcile and build trust again, John its just not worth it. Is that what you want to break my heart? Well that would make us two. Remember? I was heartbroken over you. That was ages ago, and you know my reasons. It was an honest mistake. OH I see where this is going, you want to get back at me, cant you get over Dan, hes history I DO NOT LOVE HIM. I LOVE YOU. Sandra, im leaving you and im sorry it breaks your heart but this is different im actually in love with her and shes faithful, by my side, which you havent even displayed to me. Please don’t. If you go with her, I will hate you and we will never be able to establish trust again, if you want her go with her, I don’t care, ill find someone better. But you and I will never be able to feel what its like to be in love bc we are the love we are both searching for, even our little moments of revenge are for each other, to learn how much we love each other bc thats what happened with Dan, many, many years ago, so I beg you, please stay, youre going to ruin everything we ever had. Bye Sandra, ive made up my mind. Im going. Goodbye. She turned from him, crying her eyes out, as she went to her car that day in Edmonton. She knew this wasnt over but then again his words sounded so genuine and real for this other lady. You just have to stay so strong here. Women, that is, stay strong in a way only they can do, when men leave them for another woman.

final chapter

Starbucks guy ok so i had finished work one day, and typed up my own article to be submitted that evening, and I was seeing that same guy in the coffee shop that I had seen before, I walked by him and sat down in the table and chairs beside him. Wearing a velvet jacket and dark jeans, his hair slicked back and looking like the hunk I always see in him, he started talking. Next thing I knew, he had noticed me a few times too and wondered what I was up to in New York. “I am a lawyer in town and this is our very busy season and so I just like to sit down and work here at Starbucks. You? What are you up to these days?” Now that I had his attention, I knew I had to flaunt everything that I could to impress him. “I’m a journalist just starting out with the Daily News.” “And what kinds of topics do you write? I think that’s awesome!” “Im mainly in charge of Arts and Entertainment. I recently wrote an article about the Santa Clause parade earlier in the season. I thought it was only fitting to write about our fascination with the Santa Clause parade for our kids. I know it’s fun for the adults too, they get to go ice skating on the rink, grab some treats and prizes, there's also a seat with Santa for the kids, but all of this would be nothing without the kids, its really all for the kids.” “That’s excellent, yeah, everyone knows that and would agree with you. It’s a good reminder though to put things into perspective and remind us the true reason of the season is celebrating our children and making them feel special. It’s all about family. Because I mean, gifts are great, and ugly sweater Christmas parties, eating and drinking to Christmas themes and all, but truly having quality time with family and in this case, especially with children, they are the ones who really need to feel love this Christmas." “Yes, I agree, and it’s not like I think there's something wrong with giving gifts and wearing christmas attire for the season, but I just wanted to celebrate the children even if its with material things, I think they can sense love in every little crack that comes their way and so celebrating via a trip to see Santa and go skating, goes along way for these children. We should care for their needs as well as ours. Nothing wrong with gifts, just invest in it in the right way.” “Wow, that’s profound. I never thought of it that way. Thanks for sharing that with me. But hey I should be going, I have a meeting to be at soon. Im sure ill see you around.” “Oh ya, see you again," I said. Anyway, that was short-lived. I was probably babbling for too long, I feel like. Anyways, I always speak my mind and I guess he didn’t like it. “But oh well,” I thought, “there’s many fish in the sea." A man of taste and prestige can make a woman fall so deeply In love with him. Maybe he really did need to rush and didn’t have time to get his number. Or maybe there’s another woman. Or he just genuinely did not care.” And on and on do women like me think about a man that leaves her that she so deeply desires. Next day at work Sitting next to Sabrina, I couldn’t help but tell her what I was up to yesturday, instead of dealing with that awful friend of mine who is always criticizing my times with men. I mean, who’s perfect, right?! I noticed she wasn’t doing anything at the moment in her cubicle. So I continued, “How are you doing Sabrina?” To which she replied, “oh im great, had a great weekend. I just cant seem to get motivated today." “Me neither,” I said, and off I went talking about highly accomplished men who are sweet and loving. Now that is a truth everybody knows. “So do tell, Sarah, don’t leave me hooked. I want to know details.” “Well theres not much to know because it seems that he’s not interested.” “Not interested? How would you know just by one interaction? Give it time girl, it doesn’t come easily. Men are complicated little wrecks that are too scared to ask sometimes and if there’s not another woman, you are fair game. As she went on and on about this, I was just going mmhm and mmhm as she went off talking about it all. I was thinking that this conversation was the polar opposite of the lady upstairs telling me to dump men that “lead me on with nothing left to give you.” I know i read into things too much at times, so I just didn’t know at first if I should believe in him. Maybe there is something there that I just don’t see yet. At least I don’t have production up there going down my throat for what I have to be careful of with men. I think I’m alright, thank you. Going home When it was time to leave work that day, I was still going home without any answers, without a clear conscience. There was just no middle ground in my head. I know I shouldn’t live for people’s opinions. But here before me was a man that is just leading me on or more like what Sabrina said and is genuinely interested and just not ready, it’s not the right time. “Think positive,” she said at the end, “That is the only way to find a man in this world. They run away from negativity or from a threat of some kind." And just then as I was walking home from Starbucks to my apartment, I saw him. No, not the guy I just met yesturday, but John. “What am I to do?” I asked myself. “It’s over between us, what would he be doing here?” And as I turned the other way to put my phone in my pocket, he was out of sight! THE END. Book 1.

friendship gone

Anyway, I went back to work, voicing the situation to my coworker, Jane, and she had an earful for me to listen to. You know her, always on the rejecting end of a woman’s desire to work out a relationship. She’s the voice of reason, giving you any reason to suspect why it shouldn’t work out. I cant help it I told her, after all her babbling on about why I should leave and forget about him. Why is it that society values perfection, in the form of joy, love, peace and good life. IN relationships, this is almost impossible to find. So I go on. Come on Jane, what relationship is perfect. Ya but he left you, Sarah. And you said so yourself, I did not, that if he comes back after being with a woman he loves, hes a gonner! I know I have that in my heart deep down, but the distance Jane, it has made him fonder to me. Don’t you get it? And do you think that when your guy makes a mistake, do you think hes man enough to admit it and move on. I mean like what if that’s all that’s required to move on in the relationship, move past all the shit we both have done to each other. Ya but don’t blame yourself, its his fault. Well its not all his fault actually, but I wont be disclosing what I have done to deserve this. Like I know that what hes done to me is awfully wrong, and is nothing compared to what hes done to me, but I cant keep blaming him. Why not she says, look she says, I’m not an expert at relationships, been divorced twice, cant keep a guy on a date with me without telling him something that is off, but I know this: men do not change and they will go back to their old ways once hes gotten through the wedding for that one special thing. How do you know? He cant change!? Just because he behaved awful and is awful at just about everything hes done to retaliate against me for stuff ive done, does not mean that change is out of sight. All Im saying to you, the voice of reason at everything, is that there is a way and there can be a way if two people that made mistakes and love eachother are willing to admit that they love eachother and are going to work on themselves for the very reason that they want to spend the rest of their days loving eachother and continuing to do that. This reason thing that you got going on Jane is not enough. It’s not gonna make you or I fall in love in a healthy relationship. I mean, it’s part of it all, you have to face the truth, you must be honest and embrace the things that work and don’t work in all actuality. But love does not stop there. It picks itself up when the love honestly feels like its worth it. It loves, it protects, it cheriches when it seems hopeless. ok so lets leave it at that and realize love is real but it is also about the grace you can give to your partner when they have messed it all up! With that, they hugged and Jane said, “hmm, thats all idealistic to me like its never going to happen to me, but if you wanna believe that it’s your prerogative and I will still support you in that if you want” “And I do believe in that, but im not asking you to believe me, im just saying, believe that for me bc that’s what I believe in.” “so you actually think a man can leave you and all the odds point to him staying faithful to you after all you’ve been through.” “Yesssss, I believe in him and he believes in me, we actually realize all the hurt was there to protect us, to move us closer to each other, because instead of having a heart of stone we used our lives to display that love in certain ways. I know you don’t understand this part of my life and love life but hes come back and wants me back.” “Well that is completely and irrevocably up to you. Yes ive had some bad breaks in relationships but I know a thing or two. and what I know and have learned about men is true. I just hope in this case that youre right and that youre lucky enough to believe what you are saying about him....what does he have to say about everything? About the whole situation? “He says hes sorry and he wont do it again.” “But how can you just trust and believe in this after everything, i mean arent you worried hell leave again? Because that would be my biggest fear.” “I don’t worry about it and neither should you. This is my relationship and not yours and you should stop attacking everything im trying to see restored. I believe in it and anyone who attacks it and doesn’t believe in it im just removing them from my life so don’t even start with me on your bad experiences, it happened to you, its not happening to me.” And that was the last conversation we had about us, and that was enough for Jane and I to live separate lives, I didn’t know how long it was going to take and or if id ever see her again but I realized deep down, life was a pit of hell before he left me, and I didn’t want to live in that state of regret any longer, so her negative comments were no longer invited into my life again.

goodbyeforever

So as Rob and I left one night on a date, things could not have been more perfect! He’s my ultimate package, great job, position in the company that i was in. But i had doubts? Does he love me? Does he meet my needs, is he willing to work on the things that drive us apart? Yes, he had the whole package, and all this time that’s what was important to me. But as he’s standing there, not kissing me, not engaging with me in a moment, when i thought he should, because i was ready for it, he never did. He said he had to go and as he left he opened the door for me, dropped me home and there was not a kiss in sight for us! It was the longest drive home of my life. Letters, glances, dates and especially feelings, expectations and mental pictures of him in mind were only now a fleeting moment. Why did this have to happen? I thought we had it great, we weren’t talking about kids and we weren’t talking about things too soon, so i did not know why he would leave like that. Holding his hand was like a dream. It was everything I ever imagined it to be. Butterflies, security when times are tough and it ultimately feels good. It was nice to know that someone was there holding my hand through it all. Then we had times of looking into each other’s eyes, saying we loved each other and that we couldn’t imagine going down a road differently than this one. I agreed. I mean when a man uses words like that to affirm his feelings and they line up with a woman’s feelings, the stars are aligned and it’s a done deal. It touches a girl’s heart and they are one for life. At least, that’s what a girl is going through when a man tells her he loves her; i don’t know about a man, but this is what I went through. Now i know he probably didn’t mean to break my heart and leave me like I’m nothing to him, after all those words he used on me. But it is broken. It is frail. It is not beating right now. It has died, just like our relationship and the feelings we had for each other. If there is any chance of reconciliation, it will be because he gets on his knees and begs, because the way he left me, left me in tears one day. Why should I allow myself to fall for a man who has betrayed me. So I listened to the radio this one day, a woman went back to a man that had left her – FOR ANOTHER WOMAN. SO I SAID TO MYSELF THAT DAY, “if he comes back after being with someone he loved after leaving me, I will reject him.” Because he had to have a reason for dropping me off that day in that awful manner. There was another girl, I instantly thought after hearing the radio! And that is the worst feeling I had ever had to date – when a man leaves you for another woman!

consumerism?

After her meeting with Robert, she couldn’t help but that the people all around her were helping her to get over the past. In she went to work one day, only to find flowers and a note on her desk. And work was just one of those things. She was summoned to the boss’ office though so she thought she’d look at them later. When she got to Ron’s office, he had something to tell her. And this time it was good! Her last article had impressed him. “How did you come up with this idea in your article?”, “I could tell it was so researched that you got into the characters heads and the heads of the audience, its like you were one of them and your writing was as crisp as buns roasting on the upwards of a fire. I like that line, “Consumerism is fleeting, like friends that come and go, but feeding our interests we need NEVER FORGET”. “Thank you Ron. I just saw the audience as those people I wrote about in University who are like obssessed with having the best looking houses. I just thought we are only obsessed with consumerism to the extent that people like what we have and not necessarily about our own wellbeing. I thought that should be reversed and we have to not forgot about ourselves and how we see ourselves, not just how someone else sees us! This doesn’t mean we don’t care about other people and their preferences, but we should never be ruled by them. Know what I mean?” “That’s brilliant,” said Ron, “I want everyone of your projects in working for me to display this kind of instruction toward our audiences here in New York. I think it could really work. You should have a unique and special twist on it every time, but centre around building yourself, bettering and rewarding yourself through your consumerism, what you buy, what you extract from the world around you!” She agreed. This was such a universal truth that any viewer, any consumer would want to adopt for her audience. We always tell each other: love one another and that is divine. We love giving gifts, I mean other than Christmas time when we buy for our loved ones, we need to buy for others, but lets motivate our readers to keep uplifting themselves by being a consumer of their own needs.. Forget what people say, forget what they do, just focus on self so that you can truly be happy. We can get overwhelmed by trying to please everyone especially when it comes to those that judge you by your clothes, your furniture, your job. It is time to stand up for ourselves and be our own version of ourselves! This fits into the whole wellness, especially mental discourse, conversation, and lifestyle people are starting to accentuate these days. Let’s take care of our own bodies and life so we do not need to depend on others as much and when we don’t have them, we’re okay, because were working on ourselves the whole time! So back to the flowers on the desk, her desk, it was Robert of course! He was just saying come and hang for a date on Friday! Omg she was so in love. The past had still lingered her mind from the guy in Canada, but this new guy was helping her to get Over that!

robbie2

One day we walked passed each other and stopped to talk. The first conversation felt genuine, interested, and he was always looking at me. How could I say no? He asked about how things were going and I answered back very decidedly that I was just focusing and trying to improve the best that I can! We talked about what he likes to do, play cricket and how I just spend my weekends at the coffee shop with Mel. Like normal adults talking about how life is right now. Somewhere in this narrative of which we were talking, I liked his life and he liked mine! That’s when in a heavenly and almost impossible way, I knew that I was falling for him and wanted him. I didn’t know how I could have these feelings for someone I just met. My thoughts were I just met you, and I was thinking to myself I need to pray about this and not want to go so fast. But more importantly, I was standing in front of the most amazing man I had ever met. Those kinds of feelings are okay. You’re in love, for me. You’re doubting, wondering, loving, desiring, wanting and receiving (as for me) all at the same time, and it can go differently for every woman, but for me, I had some experiences along the way that taught me love came with doubts. Anyway, where was I, I was experiencing the love of a lifetime. As much as I loved him then, I loved him now even more. My love had now catapulted its way through our small interactions before the note and now we had finished our date. The love I had for him is eternal because throughout all these experiences, I still felt the same. One day I went to see him in his office. Another lady was just leaving. So I walked in. Straight away he said "have a seat." That was the most welcomed and intimate I felt with him... because he made a decision to include me in his life. I felt absolutely wanted, deliberately pursued and wonderfully accepted. Some people looking into this conversation, may say he’s just trying to be nice. But I beg to differ. He didn’t ask the other lady to sit down, he asked me and that makes me feel super special. I loved that about him! We talked maybe ten minutes as I was on my break, and as he was looking in my eyes, and I in his, we clicked. Because we spoke the same language, the same life, we were on the same path and we both said yes! No one can break a connection. How could I want anymore? There’s nothing for me to want. I don't know much about the soul. But I know that that was one of the days that got me saying, gosh, please don’t let him be taken, he’s absolutely wonderful.

a date with robbie

So when she returned to work the next day, Sarah noticed there was a note on her desk, much different than her usual types of notes. Her work friend, Mel, left it she thought, because she always tends to leave these types of notes around for her. You know, the types that go, “have a great day, girl”, or since my last writing entry, at which time Mel said, “You're the best girl, you rock!”… However, this time, it wasn’t just a memo, it was a note from Robbie, a worker on the third floor. He was working in the production department. And he sees all of the written articles so he would have seen mine the other day and now he was leaving me a card. I thought it looked a little different than something Mel would write, although my name was written on the front of the envelope like how Mel usually does it! It read, “I would love to see you, im waiting for your reply,” with his name at the bottom of the card. Everything went down from there. From then, I remember what he looked like but it was vague and none of that even mattered to me! I was in love with that first meeting in receiving this invitation. So I asked one of his coworkers to put a note on his desk, it was my phone number. I said “yes,” from the start! As I was reading his card, I had a huge smile on his face, and my heart was beating a thousand beats per minute. I am going to be the best version of myself but in a natural way, the way I really am naturally! Our first date was absolutely incredible! We went to an italien eatery on the 8th street downtown. He's really everything I would want and more. He's got class (polite, kind, loving), romantic, a great person to talk to and in such a great place in his life. Above all, a really, really nice guy. He opens doors and pulls out chairs for me, tells me to watch my step, I mean such a gentleman. But before I go into all his kind mannerisms, I got to tell you what happened in the office after and before this. Before the note, he would walk by my desk and I would smile back. He’d talk to other ladies around me, wave and say hello as he walked by me! We talked a few times before the card he sent. We talked of my writing and how I am always trying to improve. And in his gentlemanly manor, he says, “you’re doing amazing." I was wondering why is he saying that when all my other colleagues are saying this is garbage pretty much. And I thought, when I read the card, he was just complimenting me to hit on me. Man, I never get these things right away, I'm gullible!!! No wonder I can never get a guy. Oh well, I thought, as I read the card, a least I got him anyway.

the christmas parade

So the next day at work I knew I needed to toughen up and get an acceptable story going, one that was appealing to the New York audience and I had the perfect idea. I ran it by my boss and co-worker and it was solemnly approved! There was a parade happening this week and I was going to attend it! And what a way to find out the general spirit of Christmas and what would entertain the attendees. Who knows, I could ask a few questions about the parade and the general spirit of excitement, the festivity was just before Christmas so naturally there would be anticipation and looking forward to the great morning! I walked up to a young lady and her two kids, as they sat along the edges of the parade. “Hi, im a journalist covering the story of the parade,” I said and she let me interview her. “Oh, yes,” she says. “I love all the beautiful costumes, santa and his reindeer, I mean, it just adds to the whole effect of the parade on Christmas.” And of all the things she said, what she pointed out to me was how all of this is just so important to the kids. "That’s why we're here," she said, "because it just adds to the celebration of Christmas for them, makes it real to them and is something to have to celebrate and look forward to Christmas morning." You see to her, it's not just the materialism itself that makes Christmas so magical and fun, but life would be dull," she said, "if there weren’t people and children to share it with, to see their excitement and fulfillment in experiencing it is so heart warming." I thought this was amazing. So it's not like its all about the fashion and the show here, but New York cares about how it benefits them, what touches their heart and this time, it was about all the fun for the kids, something near and dear to their hearts. At that moment, Santa came rolling by AND YELLED A MERRY CHRISTMAS to all the children at this end of the parade. You see, the parade ended, but not the anticipation, no, that lived on, until Christmas morning. When I told Julie about it at work, she was completely attentive, looking me in the eye with a smile on her face, saying, now you have hit the mark! And so the article was all about that, thanks to the lady at the parade. She opened my eyes and I could see life was all about that, materialism, yes, but a relationship with someone that was accentuated by seeing all their dreams come true. And how could that ever happen without showering kids with the material things that come out of the pockets of their moms and dads! And she was right, how could one enjoy the season without the joy seen on children’s faces when they come to the parade and do things like this!

New York materialism

As I reflected on what my coworker said, I knew that she was right and that I was dealing with a new audience, a different demographic of people who are more into something else. It wasn’t like Ontario, where materialistic things were not everything to them, but all materialism was everything in New York! I can't just hide myself from the reality that I had to elevate my game! I can't go home and cry or pout like I would and try to avoid my problems. “What was the solution then?” I would ask myself! I would have to adjust my writing style to theirs, and any writer knows how hard it is to scrap one idea for one that you don’t even have yet. But I knew I needed to think up something and get to know this part of the United States that I already love so much. So I decided first to call up my friend from work and ask if we could go for drinks at the restaurant nearby work. We met there Saturday night because I needed to sulk the night before and is it just me, or is anyone else’s experience to be so exhausted Friday night that you don’t feel like doing anything, going out anywhere. So we went to this local restaurant called TGIF, also known as Thank God It’s Friday’s. We basically just talked about my writing style and what New York is like. For real, I knew that I came to the right place because I’m a little materialistic myself, I love clothes, how artwork lightens up a room and tells a story about something going on in the family that buys it! I love that there are so many magazines and publications in New York. It was an artistic and materialistic world. One time, I told her, I went to this art show that was featuring artwork with someone who asked me out to go with him. I don’t even talk to him anymore, to be honest, but that experience opens my eyes now in retrospect, that New Yorkers love a GOOD TIME and a chance to be part of art, artwork, expressions of themselves as artists and the chance to purchase something that as a buyer is also an expression of themselves. So social gatherings are a community that bring together all the different arts and feelings or aspirations of artists and buyers, entertainers and door welcomers alike. It really did remind me of Gertrude Stein and Sylvia Beach in all of their social gatherings to celebrate books. They were confident women, determined to change writing and the world writing stage in their connection to the magnificent, intelligent brains they had. So I just needed to get into their heads, the people of New York, and going out to meet them was my only option. I needed to find out what New York wants. So we left that night at the bar to find another artist-related function and this time it was about an author featuring her work and being published locally.