a gondola ride

“So what brings you here”, the owner said, whose name was Peter. I’m sure you’re on vacation. "Well yes" I said I intend the next three months to be well worth the money. And what would you like to accomplish out of all the activities, history, grape vineyards and wineries, tours and restaurants to see. “Wowe,” I thought, this is the best place to get connected with if you want to abroad on a vacation! “Well yes, I have all the information you need for such a trip, including what I have already mentioned. I’ve got tourist pamphlet information, phone numbers and anything that needs a good word on what you would like to explore! "The good stuff, the bad stuff and the ugly!” “Can you help me out with the boats on the water?” “Oh yes, the most famous and most frequent travelled tourist spot in Venice. Every dream of every lady. A calmly ridden flat-bottomed boat along the soft spoken ripples of the water, which is accompanied by a man directing the travel of it, as he sings renditions of Italian song. A gondola ride amongst a canal.” “Well all that will have to wait for my husband when he gets here the last few days and I can take the boat with him. He’s going to hate me for making him wait three months only to be here three days.” “Why only three days, he’s most welcome here as long as he wants!” “Well, thank you, but this is my trip. But I suppose he’s welcome a few more days in the week.” “Most certainly, if you don’t mind, I can put him on the list and he will have plenty of time for visitation to any tourist attraction, my dear!” “ok, I‘ll discuss with him! I just thought it would be too late as I know you to be a very busy owner of your lodgings and so I did not think it possible at all!” “Very possible indeed!” “I have particular curiosity in the tour groups. He would love that for a day! He’s talked about touring Italy, especially where we are here in Tuscany, Cortona and some of the smaller little towns.” “Yes I have tons of information on that because almost everybody who comes through our country is interested. You can look up wineries that tend to be of the finest in the world obviously and which the grapes are used to make them here locally; and churches adorned with beautiful gold and dark colors as opposed to the not-so-famous lighter colors here. Darker blues, reds and some brighter ones as well. Rock and gravel are a common use on the outside of villas as this has been a trend since old times. You'll see in these villas that the back porch overlooks the vast and beautiful green hills of Italy that are so very common here. You could spend your days in the back there, reading, writing of its exquisite nature, talking with your spouse. I’m sure that you would love it!!”

the bed n breakfast

So off we went as the train travelled eastern to the maritime provinces of Canada! When I settled into my place as I arrived in Italy through an incoming airplane, I was met with so much excitement and enthusiasm for all the adventures I would take here over the next few months. I couldn’t wait to tell John and at the same time I was avoiding this conversation. He thinks it's going to be for a month. But I have never had this chance to get away on my own. It’s been about 6 years since we first started dating and I have never gone on an adventure quite like this one. So I take all my belongings and bring them to a lodging that I had already scheduled. Instead of just paying for rent and having the house to myself I ventured to live in a place where I could associate with others. So I found this place for rent where other people were boarding at a bed and breakfast! There are lots of these in Italy and Canada does have a few! Therefore, I knew the basic rules that encompassed staying at a bed and breakfast. Breakfast is at 7 am and if you want it please be on time, it will not be offered later. So I gathered all my stuff and would be staying here for the next few months. The owner was very generous to give me this much time, but there was another family that was staying that long as well so I hoped we would get to know each other very well on my trip. My room was decorated white everywhere, the walls, the bed sheets, the door, even the carpet and wall accessories like pictures and crocheting decorations. I have no idea why but this room felt like me and I immediately felt very at home. I mean this is the place I'll be living in so I better get comfortable I guess. There’s always something about a new place like a bed and breakfast that takes you to a place of luxury like this one. The bathroom was also very luxurious! Beautiful cream colored hand towels and other towels adorned the handles in the bathroom and I loved the counter tops and shower stall, that added a shine to it as both were locking my eyes upon this beautiful cream colored marble material! The owner needed me downstairs now to get the official tour! “Please don’t hesitate to use this room for anything you like,” he said, I was very happy about this part. I am looking forward to some rest and relaxation. It was very cozy and warm with its couch and pillows and lovely decorations around the room on the walls and furniture! He then showed me the dining room, kitchen as the rooms next on the tour. The dining room was accompanied by another on its right but he did not mention that room to be one of the rooms we can use! So the dining room table had this cherry oak finish, nicely set up for the breakfast this morning (I was just in time for it) and we would just check out the kitchen before we were ready to eat it. It was white, yes all white, the cupboards, the marble white counter and another small kitchen table we could also use for a lunch or dinner for ourselves. We were allowed to use the dishes but of course had to pick up after ourselves.

lush greenery and water

So as the train left and I was settled in I have to say it was quite a scenic drive. To my left was a beautiful piece of terrain of green grass highlighted by trees of apples and peaches. The lush greenery really magnified the enormity of them. I was feeling like I would really like to pick from those trees. And on the other side of what looked like a bridge too was a meandering river full of water, gushing all the way down to the other side of the bridge. The river went a very long way to bring life to its occupancies like fish and insects and other water mammals, im sure. Who knows, maybe one might see fishermen down this meandering river. Outside obviously of the train, on the left side, was this river. I wondered if there were swans or frogs and other birds and mammals that feed off of this water. And since it looked respectably clean and not murky water, I thought that these creatures of the meandering river must be well taken care of. In front of us, as we took the train by it, we could see a forest area which was situated all the way around a cottage-like home painted all white. It had two pillars holding the front entrance way up and it is as elegant as one could comprehend. I wondered who that could be that owns that property. Essentially the river and bridge was a few miles off of their property. Then the grassy forest with trees also creeped right in front of this property. Since we were basically in the area of my home still I made it my goal when I got back to see what all this land and property meant to the city. I certainly wouldn’t be getting involved with someone I do not know like this family that lives there. So I decided I might venture to find out what it was all about. I thought, “what’s their occupation? Kids? Why buy a house with all this in front of them and to what extent do they own this property? Like does it have any spiritual or physical or mental significance to this family? I didn’t see any boats nearby so im assuming the family did not have direct access to this land and is just dormant without anyone touching it but the small creatures that inhabit it! The reason I am so caught up with the white house is because it said that there was an animal farm going to be happening in a month. I also have to say that Josh’s father that I talked about earlier owned this property. The animal farm would attract many young people and kids with their parents every year but there was also some eating going on in their outside tent that they were setting up here. I have gone before and it is always a pleasure with a few friends at the time! They had a slideshow of what it had been like all these years, and even my cousin knows him from school so this time was of particular importance!

train to italy!

Situated just minutes before the train had to get going on those rusty tracks, John was letting me put my luggage on the train. As the bell was going to go off any minute now, we had ten minutes to go. The driver was getting himself mobilized, the passengers were beginning to flow in because we were so close to departure. You always get those last few passengers come in so close to the start time. As I am about to board I say: I love you honey , I will always be true to you. Yes, honey, me too! I know its going to be a long time since I see you but you can come see me half way (it was going to be 6 months total) “Oh honey I will call you asap and we will call each other like all the time.” We say our goodbyes and we both think its reassuring that we will see each other in three months. “Call me as soon as you get in” he says to me and I go on saying: I will. Darling, I love you. Always have and always will. You are my prince charming, the one my heart loves, lover of my soul and I love you with everything I am. I never doubted you u hv always been the love of my life. I know that you hv said too that you loved me upon first meeting me. (I don’t blame you either!). honey, I feel the same, we are one because we love each other with the same commitment and passion. It’s like our hearts were made for each other (he keeps saying this too!) I will hold onto that while im here. I don’t know why I have to leave this way but I really want to make this trip and so I hope youre ok with it. So we said our goodbyes with a most passionate kiss there before i left as well. He touches my ‘beautiful hands’ (as he calls them)! He goes on: “You will be my wife! You are my wife.” To which I say, “Yes, always!”, I pause for a second as he strokes my hair and face. “You are my everything I promise you that.” And so I board as I lean into a final kiss and I am about to cry tears of sadness as I leave my hubby to be for the first time in years. I sit down in my seat and all I could think about was John. This was not me, us going backwards, we were going forwards. I was taking some time to focus on me before we get married. We have been together 8 years and not once have I done anything on my list of things that I really want to do in my life. So this was a personal visit, maybe wander the vineyards and see a huge tray of pizza at the local pizza place!

the end of exploration in my heart

I just feel like at this point I have met a lot of people who have touched my life since we separated and I needed every one of them to teaching me things and get me through this mess. Amy was there in the weeping, some other friends in enjoying Edmonton the best that I could, Angie being a companion during the toughest of realities with John and Sandra, as well as all the help that came through during the wedding. How can I thank them enough but invite them to my wedding and thank them for being there. I guess I’m admitting that they pay an instrumental role in all the ups and downs. You see, I’m the kind of person that likes to do that on my own! I clean my house, pay for my own stuff (without any boyfriend), I spend a lot of time alone ALL ON MY OWN. So having so many things turn against me and really feel like I am going under, turned out to be a real blessing, because so many people came to my rescue. I learned that we can let go of our aspirations of self, and embrace the love we can have for ourselves and others. I guess we should love on other people as much as ourselves. These are deeper-seeded wounds for me, being able to open up to people and letting them take charge in my life because what they say sounds right. It’s not like you’re allowing them to walk all over you, take your freedom away from you or getting control of your life! You meet people throughout your life that have such a beautiful, lasting grip on your heart and soul, the things you aspire to and those that you leave behind! They cry with you, they laugh with you, and you take pieces of it with you. Whatever the mind, heart and body can identify as good thoughts, good actions and goodness to others, you take it in and it becomes who you are, what you aspire to and long for in your life. So its okay to let yourself let people in, you may be surprised how much you like them, like what they’re doing, they’re approach to life and as long as they are willing to let you take what they give in your own way, in your way of doing things, in your time and fashion, you will be fine to let them in, even if it requires some change. You just don’t want to let them in so much that there becomes a choice between them and yourself. You just let them teach you and mould you to become the person, mind and heart that you know you so desire to be! It's not that they necessarily do what they want to you! So I am going to live life like I should, like I want, like I will, because without that I am just a big bubble of self, self, self!! Meeting people is fun, letting them in to share my life is great and letting them influence and change my heart to fit my mould is wonderful!

scottie cont...

He finally said something to me one day. I was dressed in a pink mini skirt and a white tank. I guess this whole thing about being away from John was to test the ground and see if we really love each other. So I made the plunge and smiled at him as he opened the door of a Shoppers Drugmart right on Whyte Ave. Okay, what was going to hurt me going into a Shoppers to grab some Crest Whitening Strips? ‘Be careful’ my inner good Christian girl complex said to me. So there he was, opening the door for me and getting me to walk through the door as I said, “thank you.” He just looked me in the eye and said ‘have a nice day’. Even that kind of interaction made me nervous. It’s that I’m meeting a guy, it’s the thought that I could lose John by falling in love with someone else or do something wrong like having sex before marriage to a man I don’t even love because I’m in love with someone else. You see, although I, am kind of a wanderer in this book and in my real life years ago, I am also very cautious and careful that some guy could take the place of a man I love. I guess that’s the risk I am taking, as I left John that one day he hugged and kissed me! Isn’t it because I’m allowing him and myself the freedom to look. But the good Christian girl within me is saying ‘be careful’ and I mean it because I agree with it: that a girl like me who is a Christian girl should not have sex and should stay true to another man while she waits for her man. She is tough, true to herself and her man, and is simply avoiding sexual play. Am I right then, that exploring the streets and being with a man or giving him a chance in a simple, non-risky way like talking, going to the movies and going on dates, is just alright! I think so. “How are you doing ?” the Scotman would say, when I saw him on the street by this pub. “I am doing quite fine thank you” I said. “Im Harold, what’s your name?” as he held out his hand to me. “I am Sarah,” I said, of course. “Oh lovely you are, and your name too,” “Are you the owner here, at this pub, the scottish pub?” I asked. “Yes I am,” he says. He was sounding like he was proud of it and he should be because it takes a lot of man power and commitment to run a business. A bar is a place many people think is harmless but many also think it is worthless. It’s because they believe there are greater things to do and be in life. I had a dream one night and I was clearly dating this guy. I was walking around with dishes and drinks and after that I do not know what happens. I probably was either putting them away or delivering them. But I was wearing a long flower-print dress. I could sense I was happy to be there and I think it’s because we were together. Well, I decided after that I did not want to immerse myself in this environment. It was a little far off from what I wanted out of life and John always kept coming in my mind and heart. He wasn’t just a man to me, he has something I love, and part of that is him, his true self!

the scottie

So I had had enough, John was still gone and I couldn’t handle loving him and seeing and watching and knowing he was hanging out with Sandra. That’s it I thought, this is over. I have no way to contact him, he is just going to deal with it. It doesn’t seem fair that they did not contact me about extending their time away (it was now past the 7 months mark and so I considered it OVER.) You know what, I thought, I have given them one more month and still I have seen them show nothing about what is happening. Do they actually expect me to wait around for them lie a “good” little girl and they do not have the decency to inform me. IN THIS SOCIETY, especially the Christian side of things, you’re expected to be this good little girl and as soon as you do wrong, it’s like you’re not that girl anymore, so I just wanted to break past that understanding that girls should just be good and help myself and others realize that God can forgive and you can more on and change. And even if you don’t change, God is still gracious to get you to the grace part even if it takes you longer. So before I met Dan there was this bar tender around. I would frequent the streets and see him around. Right away, a good portion of the streets part will be viewed to some as kind of a prostitution. Well, yes I was chasing after men at this point, but I didn’t touch them, get near this man sexually so already that opinion is falsified. Just because a girl wants to go and have fun, meet men and have a good, safe time, does not mean she is sinning or doing wrong. Naturally, walking down whyte avenue to look at clothes, buy a drink or head into a club are all the same things as long as you are not sinning while you do them. That’s my take on it so people are not confused between prostitution and a friendly walk into entertainment, anti-boredom and exploration. People go camping where they could be demolished by a black bear, men play golf and go to the casino (and women) and there’s a chance of experiencing feelings of regret and remorse at not playing a good game. Well regardless of what people may say these all have a resemblance to the feelings you’re going through when searching for a man. There’s the possibility of pain and suffering but we still do these things to give us a good time. So why do we downcast a friendly date or meeting a guy, when it could end up in heart break and pain, in the ways that it does in these other activities. So yes I did spend some time with a young man when I was alone, where there was no communication about coming back. I saw him by a shoppers drug mart and by his pub. My intentions were clean and I kept it that way. It was fun for a while, I should say, but I did leave him AFTER a while because it seemed after all, that I was still missing John and only wanting to be with him. But this is what we did together: