first discussion with Amy

It was a clean slate for me. This would be a new beginning, and I thought that meant another boyfriend, someone to move on with me. But I didnt know what to do anymore, John was the only man I ever met that I always had a strong connection to. Maybe that’s why I was willing to wait for him those 5 years. But my friend Amy, and this actually did happen in real life, told me she didn’t believe that he actually loved me. I broke down in tears one day in the early stages of their relationship, the two people who took off without me. I just kept saying “I know he loves me, I know I should wait.” She could have sat right there speaking the truth, that he’s left and that I should move on because obviously it was hurting me enough to cry, I was crying out REAL tears of fear, neglect, abandonment, doubt, lack of grace. I didn’t think I was worth it, like “why would he want to hear from me,” kind of thing. “Then why can’t you move on. He left, you’re crying over him, I would leave.” But I couldn’t. You see, Amy was so adamant about leaving him because she has the same thing happen to her. There was a man at church, a church I was also attending at first. They had sparks, Amy and Him, but he left and she told him in an email, “I hope all the best for you.” I guess she was seeing my situation with the same eyes. She thought he didn’t love me and I did not have ANY EVIDENCE THAT HE LOVED ME. I had no proof, just my heart and my determination to believe in him. As far as she and I could see, he decided on someone else and I should naturally just let go. “I can’t Amy,” I said. “I did not come all this way, know him for years, meet him here and let him go again just because he’s sworn to simply be vacationing with this long time friend named Sandra. See what I mean? All my labour will be in vain. I’ve done so much to get here and I’m not letting any woman take my place. I’m standing in the gap for him, fighting for him in thought, word and deed, to make sure I’m the only woman he loves.” I did not know it at the time but my prayers, my thoughts, my deeds, were standing to make sure that no one takes anything from him that belongs to me, including his body, mind and soul! So I told her I’ll be fine and thank you very much for not judging me because as much as I cry, I know its for him and he's for me! And I told her I know you mean good, have THE BEST OF INTENTIONS, but I’m going to be okay! I just needed a friend’s shoulder to cry on! "Take care" I said to her. And she dropped me home that day.

damn girl

When I was sitting next to this woman, I knew there was something mysterious about her. I never liked her, she’s seriously the kind of woman that was always that way with me. Poking into everyones business and though people like that I realized one night when she was talking to my man that this hate was being carried on a deeper level. She became not just a person that I had seen around at the salon, getting her hair done sometimes at the same time as me but that now she was entering the realm of my love affair with him. Im not going to sit here and let another girls urges interfere with mine. Like GIVE ME A BREAK, OVER MY DEAD BODY would I ever allow that! When she started doing this to him, her sweetness started to come out, and I was thinking, get out of here bitch, get off my man, or her sheer laughing and hysterical amusement of my past with him. Can you imagine me telling someone in confidence that I am in love with a man involved with another person (not with this girl) and it is almost immediately clear to that girl that she can laugh, act sweet to him and although I never told her not to, behave as though he was hers already when he was mine, clearly! This all happened at first in this hair salon! She was sitting down and I was ready to get up and a dialogue between us started! It was a “hey hello how are you doing, haven’t seen you in a while” kind of relationship. Flawless, priceless and something that I never thought would backfire, right? How could she, this woman I knew of that was now in front of my hair salon chair as becky did my hair now like for the umpteenth time and she all of a sudden, a church attender, was now standing before me as the person who would try to tear jon and I apart. You never know how much you will bleed, how much pain this involves, how much another woman loving your man, your future, your husband, can take a toll on you!! Im not writing this to give her the recognition she is seeking, im writing it to put my voice out there, to tell other people, namely younger women just how dangerous girls like this are and can steal from them, and if you have lost your man to her, that that was sure a loss that you could have won. Now this is not about me, I will never lose to her, but if you have then I am truly sorry and think that I am here, writing this for you because someone else did not see the value that is you, to try and win your man! This book is definitely about me, it is my personal life, but it is much more so for that type of girl, beautiful, attractive, INSIDE AND OUT, but whom did not have the confidence, drive and know-how in dealing with a girl like her! You are beautiful, driven, you have countless talents and know that God has blessed you with these wonderful things with a purpose in mind, that you will crush your opposers with the excellence of a beautiful hand. May your prince charming manifest after reading this book! Love you guys!

the first meeting

You said youde be back in two months?? And now you want to prolong the distance between us? I thought you would come back to me and now you want to stay with Sandy. We had something wonderful and courageous I know, but we have sparks, we have true love, wouldn’t you want that over a whimsical decision to leave someone you actually love because I know that you love MEEEEEEE! I have been standing here in Edmonton on my own, you claim that you love me but your actions tell me otherwise that you do not care for me! If you actually cared, you wouldn’t have left me here. When I envisioned life with my love it did not go like this in my head, in my hope, dreams, you are my dream but I can’t just sit here waiting on a dream that will never come through because you cant let go of the woman in your life that you are lusting after because I know she is not your real life, because that’s me! ‘But I----' Let me finish. I have a question for you: Is there another woman this is covering up or something because I’m starting to get the idea that Sandy is not the real problem. You told me months ago this would happen, that it’s just a friendship and that I shouldn’t mind, worry or fret about it but if you are actually willing to be just friends with someone and you still are after two months, why would you want to prolong it with a friend except that you are hiding something else from me? Is there someone else involved?? "No" he says back to Sarah. "So you have no other relationship except this friendship with Sandy and the feelings you have for me!?" “That’s right," he says, “You need to start believing in me. I’ve told you many times this is not an affair, a lustful relationship or a future marriage. We’ve known each other for years and have been there for each other as well; and I guess I just feel like overwhelmed with everything right now and just need to get out of town. I promise you its nothing more than that and as soon as things shape up in my mind, I will come back and we can have a normal relationship together. Capiche?" “Okay. That’s a big relief. You have no idea how torturous it is to wait and watch a man leave the love of his life for someone else claiming to be just friends, away from her, in another place different from where she is!” “I know honey, but life throws curveballs here and there and its not like I’m trying to prove that Im unfaithful to you or that im going to let you down, but I am dealing with some personal issues which I shouldn’t discuss right now. Having another friend in my life does not diminish the love we have for each other.” "I get it," is her response.

the old lady

Where should we go today honey, I had such a hard day at work, at least for me it was! I WAS always thinking about you, always planning what I would say and do if I were to see you at work. I kept having these envisions of you at the hospital! I would attend to patient after patient, and although you were not there, I could see you in my mind, and not like a delusional thing, just a thought! On and on I would go, thinking of you, us on swings at a park where I would swing you, kiss you as I came towards you and with a huge smile on my face because I was with the woman of my dreams. And so we decided on a sandwich place and to be honest although these such places are such simple lunches, I always HAD AN APPETITE for them. This place in particular contained sandwiches for every meat lover, plus veggies that included bean sprouts, I mean what is not to love about that! Every customer in the line, hungry as could be, salivating for a sandwich to quench them. It was a bakery we went to and they have lounging seats we could sit on, so there were a few seniors and families sitting down already! So to explain a long story in a short piece of writing, I will say that I had seen these customers before and so I thought I might sit next to them as Jon and I had the appetite to eat right away. You’re not going to believe what happened as I asked the older ladies if I could have a seat. One lady abruptly said to me, “uh, actually, no because we are having a confidential conversation together and we would rather you not sit down!” “Can you believe this,” I said to Jon, whom looked at me the way he does when he convinces me to move on and not make a scene as I particularly love to do from time to time! As we walk away, I take our sandwiches and continue talking to my future husband! He thinks I’m out to lunch naturally and as usual. So I continue what I want to say. “Why did you just do that?” “Because honey, it’s not worth it. We can go somewhere else that is going to be much worth our time than sit down beside two stuck up ladies that are going to be making our stay real awkward. We would sit there eavesdropping on their conversation, which they don’t want, and feel seemingly weird that we're not even welcome there.” “Jon I’ve said a million times to them, I don’t care who disapproves of me. And that is so sweet of you to respect their request! But I don’t sit around here in town with a stuck up nose, I also don’t let people walk all over me, right?” “Babe, just leave it, you probably will never see this woman again, have you ever seen her?” “Well yes I have, she’s there lots, and you don’t see her whenever we go because she’s there during the week.” “Jon this is not about whether I want to sit beside an old lady, whether its awkward, too close to hear her story that she was trying to avoid us hearing, or anything like that. Rather, this is about a regular whom thinks she “owns the place” enough that she had the guts to tell me to practically “get lost”! I don’t think that’s fair or right, in my eyes!” To be continued…

romantic words

One day he was going to get something to eat together. It was a Friday night, ordering the same meal we got every time we went to this Italian Spaghetti restaurant! There were many couples around us, taking in the seafood pasta menu and taking various non-alcoholic beverages. “How did I get so lucky, I love you?” I said to him, my husband to be. To which he responded: “Love you more, babe, I love everything about you.” He never gives me much more than that response, a male trait I think, men say what they want to say, no explanations, detail or additional comments, just a simple, short, brief answer. Hahaha!! “Sarah, my wife, my beautiful wife, I have loved you since we met, from the very first glance you have been my light and my salvation. I could not go a day without you. You have given me peace and a joy that is never ending. For the longest time I thought I would never find love again and you have taken that all away. You have brought the sunshine back into my life. Now I wake up and smile and think about you all the time, everyday. Thank you for coming into my life and showing me what it is really like to feel, be and endure love. Now I know what true love is. It is endless, it is two souls joined together, forever, never leaving each other. Let me be the man that will love you forever, give you everything you need and all that you want! Be my wife and my wife only. He would go on tangents of expressing to me a man’s heart and soul, for the woman he loves which is me. Because Sandra had a big influence on him as his friend, I would still doubt that this was what he wanted now and forever. But as time went on (before his engagement to me), he slowly convinced me he would never go back to her and I would be the only romantic relationship he would have. This was the main reason I left him as he took off with her that one time years ago. I won’t go into that too much, but I want to say that step by step, as he was planting these thoughts and feelings in my heart and mind, I began to accept that this situation was really all about me. Every “I love you”, “you are my sunshine, my everything”, “you have taught me to realize never to take you for granted, always cherish and love you”, and that “you are the woman I want to marry, to be with me forever!” My response was always “yes” to him, he has a way of being able to convince me of whatever he feels and wants. I’m okay with that because it’s always about me which is not really a bad thing, after all, I want it to be all about me, I mean who wants to really feel like they are not a guy’s every attention and desire!

jon and i

I was literally so excited that this was happening for me, for us, but it also made me think of the past! As soon as I had got to New York I didn’t have anyone. I met a few guys and just didn’t click with them. One took me out to a meal and asked me if I was still interested in a second date, to which I said no. I had another boyfriend lasting maybe 2 weeks and another man took me out one night! As I reflect on these men and Im not really ashamed of this at all, I realize that (along with the shoppers guy) that I was searching for something. Aren’t we all!!?? Searching for love, a deeper purpose in life other than JUST myself and my career. But every relationship that pursued me in life was not the right fit, did not fulfill me and I felt like my path was being halted and did not exist for me so I took that as meaning that that was the wrong path to take. But Jon was there for me in absolutely everything. He held doors, and opened the car and paid for supper, did all the necessary gestures a man in love should do to his girlfriend and future fiancé, marriage partner. He is honestly so sweet and kind to me, asking me how im doing every day and telling me how much he loves the way I look, something I highly prize because no one else would ever tell me how good I look! When a man starts to do that to you, make you feel and look beautiful (which is possible because they tell you how beautiful you are and that makes you want to be the best version of your beauty!), you believe him. When you are told you are someone else’s better half, you start to believe that too! But it can’t stop there, you can have men tell you those things and you still feel like dirt shit because beauty is not enough. You must have compatibility, love and care all in one. It can not be just physical things, the way you look, how much money you make, your status in life! I felt like at this point in my life that love was more than being materialistic! It had to be showered with commitment- undying loyalty to a person, staying in one place, taking a stand and saying you will stay this way with me no matter what happens? This falls under the category of compatibility because you both have promised to do the same thing, and the only way to get along is to be committed. So off I went to central park with my boyfriend telling him ‘yes’. I did so because of his love and care that I have just mentioned exists between him and I. He cares about how I do in life (how much effort, success and what I need in life)! He always points out how wonderful life is with me. And he's very thankful, always very thankful!

the proposal

Back in time when we first met on the streets of New York, Jon and I had no idea what was to come. We were two souls meant for each other to meet, to cultivate values in our relationship and we were reaching out for each other to provide healing, strength and dignity for times before that needed it. But we weren’t just perfect human beings that found each other – we believed in destiny, that we were intentionally here, to meet and fall in love, and how deep was that love. We had similar interests and we were so in love, should we be married, just having love for each other seemed enough. We imagined having babies as we were dating for the first time in New York. We wanted a house and a nice church to attend, and this all happened within 3 months of dating! When I first met him he was walking into Starbucks and I was taking my hot chocolate from the counter when he walked up to me! Nerves going through my body, noticing this handsome and charming man, not to mention how respectful and honouring he was in his speech, I Introduced myself: “Hello, I’m Sarah.” “And let me introduce my self, Jon.” “And what do you have there, I love my coffee dark; double-double” “Well actually I’m not a great coffee drinker, but I do have a love for hot chocolate milk, and they seem to have the best, its so rich and thick with chocolate flavour.” “Wow you’re making it sound so appealing and I’ll have to try it out one time.” “Sure.” “So what do you do here in NYC?” “I’m a journalist for a local magazine publication!” “Who are you with?” “Well id rather not say but you must be a doctor with that uniform of yours!” “Indeed, I am.” And that conversation was the workings of a very successful relationship that would take shape. We would go on dates and look in each other’s eyes, him commenting on mine like all the time, myself saying how proud I am of his hard work! We would go to restaurants and watch movies in the theatre and take some nice calming walks at central park where tons of people and couples were doing the same thing! There was only 3 months left of my contract and I did not know if I was staying or going back to my country, and it turns out He is Canadian as well. But as we were walking and enjoying holding hand in hand, my feelings began to change about where I should live in the world and I was sure this was a man worth staying for! We got to a bench in the park and sat down from a pretty long walk! Suddenly, he got one one knee after 3 months of dating! He sat me on the bench and as he got on one knee, with hands over my mouth, I could not have asked for a greater, more joyous moment, the moment in time that changed my world and set my nerves on fire!