revisions

So here’s this guy, overweight and so unattractive to me because John is - let’s be honest a hunk - or in my mind I think he is a very attractive man. Doesn’t any man who is in love with a woman, and he is at this time, whom sees this taking place with another man, be jealous? Well of course, I realize in retrospect now. But then, it’s just fun for me, so I have no idea that at this moment it drives him away from me. I assure you our miscommunication doesn’t end there though, many things are going in so many directions, with so many factors pulling him away from Edmonton. But this is the challenge for him. Can he get over this rejection? Does he even love me? Is this something he can overlook and forgive? In time, we find out and he discovers this very thing separate from me and we do not actually date in the present as we both hope. So things are tough at first, knowing that we cannot be together at all. And these issues bring lots of pain for him knowing that someone else could date me. Knowing that I might leave him is also a struggle for him. Why do women do this to the man they love? Why do men react so to the woman they love? Well I know that my thinking is he is just a friend, I don’t want the overweight man but I am attracted to only the idea of having a man take interest in me. For me it isn’t that I don’t love John or he doesn’t love me, it is just a matter of putting our connection and love on hold. This sets the course for everything I am looking for in the next five years - to be attached but not be interested or in love with a man. Just freedom. Just being myself. Not controlled. Trusting in each other that this is the right course to take is a challenge because despite all the effort we have already made; things we experience sort of crumbles and are wasted in one decision to part ways. The truth is we both have our reasons for letting go at this time. And conveniently, our reasons are quite the same. Her feelings for John are there. But she thinks it is time for him to go. Deep down no matter how much she wants him, she thinks he is better off alone. They’ve been dating a few months but they’ve crashed here and there and can't get over their grievances. She has a past of developing an angry, weak and calloused heart. She doesn’t want to bring this into a relationship with him right now. She would have to take care of him and she just doesn’t feel like this is plausible if they continue in their relationship. He gets mad at her talking about this all the time and she cant stand his offense about that and many other complicated issues in their relationship. It is her guess that if they continue like this in their relationship things will just fall apart and they’ll continue in their struggles of fighting and blaming each other. And so with these thoughts coming through Whitney’s head, she thinks of all of John’s reasons for letting go. She can think back to one time when he was flirtatious with other women. He would always blame her as though it is her fault for everything. Or the times he has accused her of being too attached and needy at times. Aren’t these all legitimate excuses for wanting to leave her? So would he think in his mind. But every woman knows that every woman has weaknesses and shortfalls, so where one woman may be clingy, another is distant and expressionless. So if you are unhappy with one, another lady will disappoint you in another way. This is John’s own mistake and the mistake that most men make when seeking a mate. They think that life will be better, that another woman they are fishing for will just not be as bad as the last one, but in reality we all have shortfalls. So it is likely that he will see this same pattern happening in his relationships of the future. Why I love him So in Whitney’s head she is already broken up and this makes perfect sense actually. We have discussed all the reasons why they should and it turns out that is the best for them in her mind. But there are things that she will miss and they are concretely related to her past. Like how about her boyfriend trouble in high school a couple of years back. There was a “boy” that she liked and it did not work out. Tall and handsome, though not so much to her anymore, he was the picturesque image of high school stardom. He was outgoing, delightful, had lots of friends and people she could be introduced to. Being handsome to her at the time, she was very compelled to like him. He even invited her out somewhere as a friend. Of course every young girl, if this happens to them, will think the world of that man. But there was nothing there for him. This led her to crying and being found out by a teacher passing by. However, when she met John she opened her arms to him and so did he. It was like the acceptance she needed, being awfully rejected by another. So there are definite thoughts in her mind that suggest this is just her rebound or a chance to get over something. Yet he keeps on loving her through the process of having his own doubts or insecurities. He holds her hand for three months, and actually holds her heart even stronger during this time. She notices about this character that he is tender, gentle and of a caring personality. Due to never seeing this before in another man, she becomes immediately drawn to him. Because most men have a stronger, harsher side to them, at least the ones she has met, she is glued to his gentle, loving and warm heart and soul. She wants that and that is enough to hold onto him even in her darkest hours. Whitney was right all along. She had the right instincts and words to express her true feelings and her thoughts. Sometimes women just know when a guy is playing her. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her or that she is blind in love. Everyone experiences love in different ways. There's the love of needing someone, desiring someone and of course the using someone, and in this case, she needs him. She has an authentic and genuine need for him. She doesn’t realize how dangerous this is to her life, her love life so maybe following her instincts and the reality of it is good. She not only loses him with a broken heart but all her baggage comes with heartbreak as well. Despite all this pain and sorrow, as I said her instincts are correct and he will move on with Michelle. We don’t know the ending, but we know the beginning. Women are glued to that one man. And until the heartbreak subsides, there’s no moving on for real. She will try to, from this guy to that one, but unless the man who breaks you holds you, healing the wounds he started will just not really happen. Many may think this is selfish of Whitney in her thoughts. But she is not at all. How could she think this way? Well for one thing nobody was supporting her. Nobody cares about her in having any feelings for him. Secondly, it is not right to hold onto a man like this. If he says it’s done, it’s done, and he is free to move on. And lastly, if he treats her this way with the other woman, he deserves to not have her back. Right? The only right thing to do was to let him go! And we will see her trying to accomplish this in the relationships that she tries to cling to! Society would say don’t be with a man that you’re not really into. But what about her feelings, her broken heart and her inability to let him go on her own? We need each other in essence and that’s okay. As long as someone is willing to let you in while enduring a very hurting and traumatizing state, then it’s allowed. And we can step back and say to ourselves that Whitney needed these men in her life. And Whitney would not let anyone stop her from doing as she so desired.

wedding2

So off to the banquet it was, where champagne would be indulged, and food would be engulfed by the stomach before the night would end. I don’t really have more to say about the ending except that it was a jolly good time. But before I go into that, I will leave this story, not completely but for a time, because this documented time of Sandra’s life was over. She had her beau and he had his lady. What else could I absolutely state about her life. Boy meets girl, things get complicated, they find and discover themselves through a myriad of adventures and lovers, and then their paths cross once more leading to this wedding banquet. How can I go through all of this and be hostile to people who carried him and brought him to what now is bliss for the both of us. I mean, he is my breath and my depth, my reason for living and so what I am getting to in this wonderful ceremony and wedding banquet is that life is better with people. Dreams can never be accomplished alone. Going solo is not what this life is all about and therefore my life has changed in this respect. I think in the end Sandra and John found their everlasting peace. They dated other people, they pursued a little of their dreams, and although Sandra is the focal point of that discovery she took in New York, but John was a doctor who needed to prepare himself for it so in a way he also went through a time of self-discovery. So it is not just about people, it is about peace and tranquility. So if you can follow and do things your heart tells you and it involved loving people, finding peace and has a little bit of self discovery, then you are well on your way to a happy and successful life. Just as John and Sandra arrived, the banquet was full of guests galore. It was beyond anything they could have dreamed. The evening would start off with an appetizer that consisted of garlic and cheese on various buns which the tables could share. Everyone would eat a plate of the best chicken alfredo fettucini, topped with balsamic green salad. There was also strawberry smoothie drink at every table and a bottle of wine there as well. A superb meal for a wedding my opinion. As guests rolled in, I could see people of new and old friends and family. Aunts and uncles were there to ring in the best day of my life! The photographer was taking so many wonderful pictures of guests having the time of their lives as well. My bridesmaids and myself danced to numerous songs, one of course being “YMCA” which is one of my favorites from my earlier pub days with them. “You remember how we used to jam to this one back in the day,” stated Julia. We’d pick up a few drinks and hold our cups in the air and dance to this song?” “I totally remember, Julia, and I will always remember.” And Sandra thought about it as Julia went on and on. She remembered. She kept saying ‘uh huh, uh huh’ but Sandra was thinking on about something else in her mind. You know, one of those moments that while you're listening to someone, you also have something on your mind as well. She was thinking about the time when John and herself went to Mexico one time. So we’re at a beach, holding hands, just loving each other’s company, when we saw some dolphins in the distance, and instead of being in awe of these sea animals I was in awe of this man I was holding in my hands. And as Julia finished her sentence, I realized that I had become the type of bride, wife, woman and friend that these bridesmaids of mine were talking about. I had become so in live with my husband, that nothing else had mattered to me at that moment. Things happen, people change and friends move on. “They really do,” I said to Julia, as she said to me, “huh? What are you saying Sandra?” and I brushed it off, saying “its okay, nothing.” Do you ever think sometimes you look like a certain way, you’re at two places not one, but actually on the inside, in your heart, that one place is the place where you’ve always been and that’s what life is always about forever. That one man, that one friend, that one experience AND if you can learn that young, then you have really made it, sister, and that really has made all the difference.

wedding

So the girls were ready. Hair done, makeup in place and all together for a group hug to say their last goodbyes before their friend was going to get married that day! “To the bride, said Rebecca,” “For years of friendship, and to many more,” said Jody. “So glad its finally happening for you, Sandra,” said Amy... As Julie the last of her bridemaids said, “All the best!” And that was it, that was the end of it. In an hour, Sandra would be married to the love of her life. This doesn’t mean she was behind in any way, though her age was higher than the average woman getting married these days. Every girl that gets married, is always second guessing her accomplishments, shortfalls, her moments of ups and downs before the big day. At least thats how it was for her. “Did I work hard enough, could i have accomplished more.” She continues, “Is everything I have enough, am i enough?” So she was just like any bride going through the emotions, saying her goodbyes for now, and she was off to marry the love of her life. How hard can it be,” she thought. She had her man, her husband, her future was bright and she had these ladies by his side today, and always for the rest of her existence. That’s how she saw it and thats show you see it when you are blindfolded to the truth. You see only the optimistic and perceptive truth, its your perspective on how things will go, but unfortunately, does not necessarily mean that thats what the world is going to serve you. I feel as though Sandra learned a few things. As do many women that get married or accomplish anything else so great, there is a nonconformist belief that life will be great, fine, fulfilling once you get the car, and then the house and then the husband and then the children. And it doesnt have to be in that order. There are many women and men out there that have had children before marriage and this is your book too. We could go on and on about all the possessions and material accomplishments that we have as women, but none of it can really fulfill us, we will just keep wanting more of it and that dependency on money, possessions and status, will dig bigger and bigger wholes in our hearts because once is just not enough and the need for more. Even when she went to New York, Sandra was seeking some kind of material, possessive saviour, yes looking for a something to fill her John void. And she was right, she should move on and accomplishments things in her heart and move on from the man that at the time was breaking her heart. But she did not realize, that trying to protect her heart all the while was a heart that was breaking so bad that she sought after these possessions. We’re talking about material holders of satisfaction which take the place of the true things that make our heart dance. I know I have brought up that materials and accomplishments are needed, but I dont stop there. They do not satisfy us as we would think. But only the deep desires of our heart can truly fulfill us because that is who we really are. It encompasses our existence, we are nothing without it then. So if a man truly loves us and we feel that love, or we share commonalities or something about him heals us, wants us, and is desirable to us – we will truly see happiness. Now there other claims that could be made for what love is, our heart and our hearts desires, that those things are a material possession. But that is true only if it is not real, the heart, the love, the experiences. I am not saying that any relationships which don’t work out are fake, unreal and truly a waste of our time. But I am saying they can become a possession instead of being a real, genuine, lasting one and fulfilling one. So with that in mind, and with the assurance of knowing she had worked hard enough to get here, had truly appreciated her friends, and felt in her heart that there was no one else better than John, the doors opened and the procession of all the bridesmaids took their place, she was filled with overwhelming joy. Dad was on her left and she was on the right. But her eyes did not meet his. Tears were in her mind but she did not want to reveal them. “Save that for your husband,” she thought. And as dad grabbed her arm, both now hiding behind years of happiness they both smiled and went back to position. And she arrived at the front, bridesmaids already assembled on the stairs, her dad extended her arm and gave his daughter away to her husband. John smiled at her and to her dad, and then her dad sat down quiet and content. Now she didnt lose it here in her tears, she lost it during their vows. Each were said clearly and they both wrote their own, and it was not so much her vows which made her cry as much as when he did. His was full of love in all ways, in compassion, in understanding, in commitment and loyalty, everything she ever wanted in a husband and best friend. Saying stuff like “I will be by your side forever,” or “You are my only, my everything,” or “I will forever keep you safe and protected from the things that hurt you.” And finally, after her final cry, she turned to happiness an joy, in a ways that can not be described. Her smile, her eyes, that always get to him, that he is mesmerized by, shone, and gave that man what he was always looking for. A wife, a wife that he loves, a wife that will stay, that will get over the cry and still love him for who he is. Is that too much to ask? Deep down in Sandra’s heart, as they walked down the aisle, to the door, hand in hand, smiling and cheering, for they had become husband and wife. Now this story is not just about the happy outcome. It is for those lovers, best friends and hearts, that both stay together through it all. The thing is that Sandra’s role, character, human and lover knew this all along. Because she heard it from so many, that life has its ups and downs. But now she was living it. She knew what it was to be up and down. And now she could truly say that she shad overcome them all. It’s not what people say that determine the course of your life. But maybe she was okay to believe in this, because it a universal truth that happens to everyone. Life will be hard. It will produce pain, suffering, and all you have to do other than pray about it, is ask yourself this one question: is it worth it? And Sandra did this very thing when John came back for her. Why? Because in her, she wanted him to not only know, but to know himself, that she would not have to tell him he is the one, but that he would come to that realization on his own. And she wanted the same for herself. How could she go on asking him, do you love me? Because this happened with all the men, all the mature men she dated in the past. They didn’t know. And that is heartbreaking. What if one day, she got home and her husband tells her, “I want to leave you,” “I do not know anymore”, “I found someone.” That is devastating to a woman, to hear the man you married who is suppose to be with you forever, have doubts about you. But what he and she did together though apart, is find out the answers to those questions before getting married. So she has eliminated half the problem. They both found out the answers before marriage and that my reader, is what made the greater difference in their marriage to each other. The other marriages and engagements in this story are thus different from this one. This does not mean it is better than those marriages, concerning how they got engaged, how they got married, how long they spent apart like how Sandra and John did before marriage. But however you marry, however you get engaged, however you spend your love life or personal life, will all affect the end result. And is it not better to know in your heart that you love someone completely before marriage? Perhaps all of them came to that realization in their own ways? But they did not get married until the bell of their heart went off and they discovered - this is life.

a fast engagement

So he came running to me one day saying where he was going and I finally felt like I was singing in his arms. He had one coat in hand and his luggage in the other as we sat down to have something to eat at the airport. (I took his jacket for him as we both looked at each other with the kiss of gratitude, love and passion.) “How did we ever do this past years without each other” I said with a tear rolling down my eye which he cleaned up for me” “I know” said he, “but here we are and it was worth the wait.” “You always say this, John, but I am always wondering how we could have let the time pass for so long, I mean was that worth it?” Gulp, went John. “Yes, it is worth it. It will be worth it after this. There it was, as I lifted his jacket to give to him, he said, “Can you feel anything in there? Can you grab it please, I need it?” And so that is what I did, as I looked I could see a jewellery container and that was exactly what it was. So, he asked me to pass it and soon enough he was opening it and there it was and there was he, leaning on one knee. “Will you marry me?” was the obvious, expected response, not without wrinkle, not without sincere passion for the love that he had for me due to the tone of his voice, the look of sincerity on his face, as I said “Yes, remarkably yes!” And that was that. We were engaged and the World was in shock as we were walking through the airport to get coffee and a muffin and out the doors as the first time which we would hold hands, kiss and be seen as the couple we always wanted to be. March 28, 2020 @ 9:43 am So John and I sat down for coffee. We put down his luggage and coat, where I had felt the ring and gave it to him. “What are we going to do now that we’re engaged,” we only had plans to go home and get him settled in. I had all these plans meeting people, like his family and some of our friends, Edmonton was a place we met, made our dreams reality by getting to know each other, pursuing our careers and school needs. How was I to know what would happen next. So he said to me, “I’m not in a rush to do anything except that family and friends are itching to know what we are up to because they know when I arrived, so should we tell them, I can email and text them and we can leave it at that for now because I just got in and I want to spend every waking moment with my fiancé, my wife!” “and what should we tell them about the engagement, when our wedding will be, all these things they are going to be asking us?” “We can tell them about our lives together and as wonderful as it is and what it is” “What do you mean, what it is, typical male response, that gives me hardly anything to work with” “Honey, just say that we’re engaged” “Okay, then, we can tell them that!” And off they went sipping their drinks and eating their muffins because they were as happy as can be and as looking forward to the future as any other could be.

Big huge fight (Sandra and John) Im sorry sandra, I cant help it, she loves me. I love you and we have proven that to ourselves, when you were with michelle. But now this is worse bc she actually is having a love relationship with you! I love her. What? This is what I am here to tell you, I don’t know about us. You don’t even have a good job. You don’t know about us! How can I trust that you will respect, honor and love me, were always mad at each other. Do you even know how to commit and listen to me as a husband, I don’t even think you will, You hate michelle and everything shes done. Like our relationship is going nowhere, it will just not work. Cant you see, we love eachother, and youre gonna come crawling back to me when you had enough of the high of being in a new relationship. Then youre gonnna realize that and have to reconcile and build trust again, John its just not worth it. Is that what you want to break my heart? Well that would make us two. Remember? I was heartbroken over you. That was ages ago, and you know my reasons. It was an honest mistake. OH I see where this is going, you want to get back at me, cant you get over Dan, hes history I DO NOT LOVE HIM. I LOVE YOU. Sandra, im leaving you and im sorry it breaks your heart but this is different im actually in love with her and shes faithful, by my side, which you havent even displayed to me. Please don’t. If you go with her, I will hate you and we will never be able to establish trust again, if you want her go with her, I don’t care, ill find someone better. But you and I will never be able to feel what its like to be in love bc we are the love we are both searching for, even our little moments of revenge are for each other, to learn how much we love each other bc thats what happened with Dan, many, many years ago, so I beg you, please stay, youre going to ruin everything we ever had. Bye Sandra, ive made up my mind. Im going. Goodbye. She turned from him, crying her eyes out, as she went to her car that day in Edmonton. She knew this wasnt over but then again his words sounded so genuine and real for this other lady. You just have to stay so strong here. Women, that is, stay strong in a way only they can do, when men leave them for another woman.

final chapter

Starbucks guy ok so i had finished work one day, and typed up my own article to be submitted that evening, and I was seeing that same guy in the coffee shop that I had seen before, I walked by him and sat down in the table and chairs beside him. Wearing a velvet jacket and dark jeans, his hair slicked back and looking like the hunk I always see in him, he started talking. Next thing I knew, he had noticed me a few times too and wondered what I was up to in New York. “I am a lawyer in town and this is our very busy season and so I just like to sit down and work here at Starbucks. You? What are you up to these days?” Now that I had his attention, I knew I had to flaunt everything that I could to impress him. “I’m a journalist just starting out with the Daily News.” “And what kinds of topics do you write? I think that’s awesome!” “Im mainly in charge of Arts and Entertainment. I recently wrote an article about the Santa Clause parade earlier in the season. I thought it was only fitting to write about our fascination with the Santa Clause parade for our kids. I know it’s fun for the adults too, they get to go ice skating on the rink, grab some treats and prizes, there's also a seat with Santa for the kids, but all of this would be nothing without the kids, its really all for the kids.” “That’s excellent, yeah, everyone knows that and would agree with you. It’s a good reminder though to put things into perspective and remind us the true reason of the season is celebrating our children and making them feel special. It’s all about family. Because I mean, gifts are great, and ugly sweater Christmas parties, eating and drinking to Christmas themes and all, but truly having quality time with family and in this case, especially with children, they are the ones who really need to feel love this Christmas." “Yes, I agree, and it’s not like I think there's something wrong with giving gifts and wearing christmas attire for the season, but I just wanted to celebrate the children even if its with material things, I think they can sense love in every little crack that comes their way and so celebrating via a trip to see Santa and go skating, goes along way for these children. We should care for their needs as well as ours. Nothing wrong with gifts, just invest in it in the right way.” “Wow, that’s profound. I never thought of it that way. Thanks for sharing that with me. But hey I should be going, I have a meeting to be at soon. Im sure ill see you around.” “Oh ya, see you again," I said. Anyway, that was short-lived. I was probably babbling for too long, I feel like. Anyways, I always speak my mind and I guess he didn’t like it. “But oh well,” I thought, “there’s many fish in the sea." A man of taste and prestige can make a woman fall so deeply In love with him. Maybe he really did need to rush and didn’t have time to get his number. Or maybe there’s another woman. Or he just genuinely did not care.” And on and on do women like me think about a man that leaves her that she so deeply desires. Next day at work Sitting next to Sabrina, I couldn’t help but tell her what I was up to yesturday, instead of dealing with that awful friend of mine who is always criticizing my times with men. I mean, who’s perfect, right?! I noticed she wasn’t doing anything at the moment in her cubicle. So I continued, “How are you doing Sabrina?” To which she replied, “oh im great, had a great weekend. I just cant seem to get motivated today." “Me neither,” I said, and off I went talking about highly accomplished men who are sweet and loving. Now that is a truth everybody knows. “So do tell, Sarah, don’t leave me hooked. I want to know details.” “Well theres not much to know because it seems that he’s not interested.” “Not interested? How would you know just by one interaction? Give it time girl, it doesn’t come easily. Men are complicated little wrecks that are too scared to ask sometimes and if there’s not another woman, you are fair game. As she went on and on about this, I was just going mmhm and mmhm as she went off talking about it all. I was thinking that this conversation was the polar opposite of the lady upstairs telling me to dump men that “lead me on with nothing left to give you.” I know i read into things too much at times, so I just didn’t know at first if I should believe in him. Maybe there is something there that I just don’t see yet. At least I don’t have production up there going down my throat for what I have to be careful of with men. I think I’m alright, thank you. Going home When it was time to leave work that day, I was still going home without any answers, without a clear conscience. There was just no middle ground in my head. I know I shouldn’t live for people’s opinions. But here before me was a man that is just leading me on or more like what Sabrina said and is genuinely interested and just not ready, it’s not the right time. “Think positive,” she said at the end, “That is the only way to find a man in this world. They run away from negativity or from a threat of some kind." And just then as I was walking home from Starbucks to my apartment, I saw him. No, not the guy I just met yesturday, but John. “What am I to do?” I asked myself. “It’s over between us, what would he be doing here?” And as I turned the other way to put my phone in my pocket, he was out of sight! THE END. Book 1.

friendship gone

Anyway, I went back to work, voicing the situation to my coworker, Jane, and she had an earful for me to listen to. You know her, always on the rejecting end of a woman’s desire to work out a relationship. She’s the voice of reason, giving you any reason to suspect why it shouldn’t work out. I cant help it I told her, after all her babbling on about why I should leave and forget about him. Why is it that society values perfection, in the form of joy, love, peace and good life. IN relationships, this is almost impossible to find. So I go on. Come on Jane, what relationship is perfect. Ya but he left you, Sarah. And you said so yourself, I did not, that if he comes back after being with a woman he loves, hes a gonner! I know I have that in my heart deep down, but the distance Jane, it has made him fonder to me. Don’t you get it? And do you think that when your guy makes a mistake, do you think hes man enough to admit it and move on. I mean like what if that’s all that’s required to move on in the relationship, move past all the shit we both have done to each other. Ya but don’t blame yourself, its his fault. Well its not all his fault actually, but I wont be disclosing what I have done to deserve this. Like I know that what hes done to me is awfully wrong, and is nothing compared to what hes done to me, but I cant keep blaming him. Why not she says, look she says, I’m not an expert at relationships, been divorced twice, cant keep a guy on a date with me without telling him something that is off, but I know this: men do not change and they will go back to their old ways once hes gotten through the wedding for that one special thing. How do you know? He cant change!? Just because he behaved awful and is awful at just about everything hes done to retaliate against me for stuff ive done, does not mean that change is out of sight. All Im saying to you, the voice of reason at everything, is that there is a way and there can be a way if two people that made mistakes and love eachother are willing to admit that they love eachother and are going to work on themselves for the very reason that they want to spend the rest of their days loving eachother and continuing to do that. This reason thing that you got going on Jane is not enough. It’s not gonna make you or I fall in love in a healthy relationship. I mean, it’s part of it all, you have to face the truth, you must be honest and embrace the things that work and don’t work in all actuality. But love does not stop there. It picks itself up when the love honestly feels like its worth it. It loves, it protects, it cheriches when it seems hopeless. ok so lets leave it at that and realize love is real but it is also about the grace you can give to your partner when they have messed it all up! With that, they hugged and Jane said, “hmm, thats all idealistic to me like its never going to happen to me, but if you wanna believe that it’s your prerogative and I will still support you in that if you want” “And I do believe in that, but im not asking you to believe me, im just saying, believe that for me bc that’s what I believe in.” “so you actually think a man can leave you and all the odds point to him staying faithful to you after all you’ve been through.” “Yesssss, I believe in him and he believes in me, we actually realize all the hurt was there to protect us, to move us closer to each other, because instead of having a heart of stone we used our lives to display that love in certain ways. I know you don’t understand this part of my life and love life but hes come back and wants me back.” “Well that is completely and irrevocably up to you. Yes ive had some bad breaks in relationships but I know a thing or two. and what I know and have learned about men is true. I just hope in this case that youre right and that youre lucky enough to believe what you are saying about him....what does he have to say about everything? About the whole situation? “He says hes sorry and he wont do it again.” “But how can you just trust and believe in this after everything, i mean arent you worried hell leave again? Because that would be my biggest fear.” “I don’t worry about it and neither should you. This is my relationship and not yours and you should stop attacking everything im trying to see restored. I believe in it and anyone who attacks it and doesn’t believe in it im just removing them from my life so don’t even start with me on your bad experiences, it happened to you, its not happening to me.” And that was the last conversation we had about us, and that was enough for Jane and I to live separate lives, I didn’t know how long it was going to take and or if id ever see her again but I realized deep down, life was a pit of hell before he left me, and I didn’t want to live in that state of regret any longer, so her negative comments were no longer invited into my life again.

goodbyeforever

So as Rob and I left one night on a date, things could not have been more perfect! He’s my ultimate package, great job, position in the company that i was in. But i had doubts? Does he love me? Does he meet my needs, is he willing to work on the things that drive us apart? Yes, he had the whole package, and all this time that’s what was important to me. But as he’s standing there, not kissing me, not engaging with me in a moment, when i thought he should, because i was ready for it, he never did. He said he had to go and as he left he opened the door for me, dropped me home and there was not a kiss in sight for us! It was the longest drive home of my life. Letters, glances, dates and especially feelings, expectations and mental pictures of him in mind were only now a fleeting moment. Why did this have to happen? I thought we had it great, we weren’t talking about kids and we weren’t talking about things too soon, so i did not know why he would leave like that. Holding his hand was like a dream. It was everything I ever imagined it to be. Butterflies, security when times are tough and it ultimately feels good. It was nice to know that someone was there holding my hand through it all. Then we had times of looking into each other’s eyes, saying we loved each other and that we couldn’t imagine going down a road differently than this one. I agreed. I mean when a man uses words like that to affirm his feelings and they line up with a woman’s feelings, the stars are aligned and it’s a done deal. It touches a girl’s heart and they are one for life. At least, that’s what a girl is going through when a man tells her he loves her; i don’t know about a man, but this is what I went through. Now i know he probably didn’t mean to break my heart and leave me like I’m nothing to him, after all those words he used on me. But it is broken. It is frail. It is not beating right now. It has died, just like our relationship and the feelings we had for each other. If there is any chance of reconciliation, it will be because he gets on his knees and begs, because the way he left me, left me in tears one day. Why should I allow myself to fall for a man who has betrayed me. So I listened to the radio this one day, a woman went back to a man that had left her – FOR ANOTHER WOMAN. SO I SAID TO MYSELF THAT DAY, “if he comes back after being with someone he loved after leaving me, I will reject him.” Because he had to have a reason for dropping me off that day in that awful manner. There was another girl, I instantly thought after hearing the radio! And that is the worst feeling I had ever had to date – when a man leaves you for another woman!

consumerism?

After her meeting with Robert, she couldn’t help but that the people all around her were helping her to get over the past. In she went to work one day, only to find flowers and a note on her desk. And work was just one of those things. She was summoned to the boss’ office though so she thought she’d look at them later. When she got to Ron’s office, he had something to tell her. And this time it was good! Her last article had impressed him. “How did you come up with this idea in your article?”, “I could tell it was so researched that you got into the characters heads and the heads of the audience, its like you were one of them and your writing was as crisp as buns roasting on the upwards of a fire. I like that line, “Consumerism is fleeting, like friends that come and go, but feeding our interests we need NEVER FORGET”. “Thank you Ron. I just saw the audience as those people I wrote about in University who are like obssessed with having the best looking houses. I just thought we are only obsessed with consumerism to the extent that people like what we have and not necessarily about our own wellbeing. I thought that should be reversed and we have to not forgot about ourselves and how we see ourselves, not just how someone else sees us! This doesn’t mean we don’t care about other people and their preferences, but we should never be ruled by them. Know what I mean?” “That’s brilliant,” said Ron, “I want everyone of your projects in working for me to display this kind of instruction toward our audiences here in New York. I think it could really work. You should have a unique and special twist on it every time, but centre around building yourself, bettering and rewarding yourself through your consumerism, what you buy, what you extract from the world around you!” She agreed. This was such a universal truth that any viewer, any consumer would want to adopt for her audience. We always tell each other: love one another and that is divine. We love giving gifts, I mean other than Christmas time when we buy for our loved ones, we need to buy for others, but lets motivate our readers to keep uplifting themselves by being a consumer of their own needs.. Forget what people say, forget what they do, just focus on self so that you can truly be happy. We can get overwhelmed by trying to please everyone especially when it comes to those that judge you by your clothes, your furniture, your job. It is time to stand up for ourselves and be our own version of ourselves! This fits into the whole wellness, especially mental discourse, conversation, and lifestyle people are starting to accentuate these days. Let’s take care of our own bodies and life so we do not need to depend on others as much and when we don’t have them, we’re okay, because were working on ourselves the whole time! So back to the flowers on the desk, her desk, it was Robert of course! He was just saying come and hang for a date on Friday! Omg she was so in love. The past had still lingered her mind from the guy in Canada, but this new guy was helping her to get Over that!

robbie2

One day we walked passed each other and stopped to talk. The first conversation felt genuine, interested, and he was always looking at me. How could I say no? He asked about how things were going and I answered back very decidedly that I was just focusing and trying to improve the best that I can! We talked about what he likes to do, play cricket and how I just spend my weekends at the coffee shop with Mel. Like normal adults talking about how life is right now. Somewhere in this narrative of which we were talking, I liked his life and he liked mine! That’s when in a heavenly and almost impossible way, I knew that I was falling for him and wanted him. I didn’t know how I could have these feelings for someone I just met. My thoughts were I just met you, and I was thinking to myself I need to pray about this and not want to go so fast. But more importantly, I was standing in front of the most amazing man I had ever met. Those kinds of feelings are okay. You’re in love, for me. You’re doubting, wondering, loving, desiring, wanting and receiving (as for me) all at the same time, and it can go differently for every woman, but for me, I had some experiences along the way that taught me love came with doubts. Anyway, where was I, I was experiencing the love of a lifetime. As much as I loved him then, I loved him now even more. My love had now catapulted its way through our small interactions before the note and now we had finished our date. The love I had for him is eternal because throughout all these experiences, I still felt the same. One day I went to see him in his office. Another lady was just leaving. So I walked in. Straight away he said "have a seat." That was the most welcomed and intimate I felt with him... because he made a decision to include me in his life. I felt absolutely wanted, deliberately pursued and wonderfully accepted. Some people looking into this conversation, may say he’s just trying to be nice. But I beg to differ. He didn’t ask the other lady to sit down, he asked me and that makes me feel super special. I loved that about him! We talked maybe ten minutes as I was on my break, and as he was looking in my eyes, and I in his, we clicked. Because we spoke the same language, the same life, we were on the same path and we both said yes! No one can break a connection. How could I want anymore? There’s nothing for me to want. I don't know much about the soul. But I know that that was one of the days that got me saying, gosh, please don’t let him be taken, he’s absolutely wonderful.

a date with robbie

So when she returned to work the next day, Sarah noticed there was a note on her desk, much different than her usual types of notes. Her work friend, Mel, left it she thought, because she always tends to leave these types of notes around for her. You know, the types that go, “have a great day, girl”, or since my last writing entry, at which time Mel said, “You're the best girl, you rock!”… However, this time, it wasn’t just a memo, it was a note from Robbie, a worker on the third floor. He was working in the production department. And he sees all of the written articles so he would have seen mine the other day and now he was leaving me a card. I thought it looked a little different than something Mel would write, although my name was written on the front of the envelope like how Mel usually does it! It read, “I would love to see you, im waiting for your reply,” with his name at the bottom of the card. Everything went down from there. From then, I remember what he looked like but it was vague and none of that even mattered to me! I was in love with that first meeting in receiving this invitation. So I asked one of his coworkers to put a note on his desk, it was my phone number. I said “yes,” from the start! As I was reading his card, I had a huge smile on his face, and my heart was beating a thousand beats per minute. I am going to be the best version of myself but in a natural way, the way I really am naturally! Our first date was absolutely incredible! We went to an italien eatery on the 8th street downtown. He's really everything I would want and more. He's got class (polite, kind, loving), romantic, a great person to talk to and in such a great place in his life. Above all, a really, really nice guy. He opens doors and pulls out chairs for me, tells me to watch my step, I mean such a gentleman. But before I go into all his kind mannerisms, I got to tell you what happened in the office after and before this. Before the note, he would walk by my desk and I would smile back. He’d talk to other ladies around me, wave and say hello as he walked by me! We talked a few times before the card he sent. We talked of my writing and how I am always trying to improve. And in his gentlemanly manor, he says, “you’re doing amazing." I was wondering why is he saying that when all my other colleagues are saying this is garbage pretty much. And I thought, when I read the card, he was just complimenting me to hit on me. Man, I never get these things right away, I'm gullible!!! No wonder I can never get a guy. Oh well, I thought, as I read the card, a least I got him anyway.

the christmas parade

So the next day at work I knew I needed to toughen up and get an acceptable story going, one that was appealing to the New York audience and I had the perfect idea. I ran it by my boss and co-worker and it was solemnly approved! There was a parade happening this week and I was going to attend it! And what a way to find out the general spirit of Christmas and what would entertain the attendees. Who knows, I could ask a few questions about the parade and the general spirit of excitement, the festivity was just before Christmas so naturally there would be anticipation and looking forward to the great morning! I walked up to a young lady and her two kids, as they sat along the edges of the parade. “Hi, im a journalist covering the story of the parade,” I said and she let me interview her. “Oh, yes,” she says. “I love all the beautiful costumes, santa and his reindeer, I mean, it just adds to the whole effect of the parade on Christmas.” And of all the things she said, what she pointed out to me was how all of this is just so important to the kids. "That’s why we're here," she said, "because it just adds to the celebration of Christmas for them, makes it real to them and is something to have to celebrate and look forward to Christmas morning." You see to her, it's not just the materialism itself that makes Christmas so magical and fun, but life would be dull," she said, "if there weren’t people and children to share it with, to see their excitement and fulfillment in experiencing it is so heart warming." I thought this was amazing. So it's not like its all about the fashion and the show here, but New York cares about how it benefits them, what touches their heart and this time, it was about all the fun for the kids, something near and dear to their hearts. At that moment, Santa came rolling by AND YELLED A MERRY CHRISTMAS to all the children at this end of the parade. You see, the parade ended, but not the anticipation, no, that lived on, until Christmas morning. When I told Julie about it at work, she was completely attentive, looking me in the eye with a smile on her face, saying, now you have hit the mark! And so the article was all about that, thanks to the lady at the parade. She opened my eyes and I could see life was all about that, materialism, yes, but a relationship with someone that was accentuated by seeing all their dreams come true. And how could that ever happen without showering kids with the material things that come out of the pockets of their moms and dads! And she was right, how could one enjoy the season without the joy seen on children’s faces when they come to the parade and do things like this!

New York materialism

As I reflected on what my coworker said, I knew that she was right and that I was dealing with a new audience, a different demographic of people who are more into something else. It wasn’t like Ontario, where materialistic things were not everything to them, but all materialism was everything in New York! I can't just hide myself from the reality that I had to elevate my game! I can't go home and cry or pout like I would and try to avoid my problems. “What was the solution then?” I would ask myself! I would have to adjust my writing style to theirs, and any writer knows how hard it is to scrap one idea for one that you don’t even have yet. But I knew I needed to think up something and get to know this part of the United States that I already love so much. So I decided first to call up my friend from work and ask if we could go for drinks at the restaurant nearby work. We met there Saturday night because I needed to sulk the night before and is it just me, or is anyone else’s experience to be so exhausted Friday night that you don’t feel like doing anything, going out anywhere. So we went to this local restaurant called TGIF, also known as Thank God It’s Friday’s. We basically just talked about my writing style and what New York is like. For real, I knew that I came to the right place because I’m a little materialistic myself, I love clothes, how artwork lightens up a room and tells a story about something going on in the family that buys it! I love that there are so many magazines and publications in New York. It was an artistic and materialistic world. One time, I told her, I went to this art show that was featuring artwork with someone who asked me out to go with him. I don’t even talk to him anymore, to be honest, but that experience opens my eyes now in retrospect, that New Yorkers love a GOOD TIME and a chance to be part of art, artwork, expressions of themselves as artists and the chance to purchase something that as a buyer is also an expression of themselves. So social gatherings are a community that bring together all the different arts and feelings or aspirations of artists and buyers, entertainers and door welcomers alike. It really did remind me of Gertrude Stein and Sylvia Beach in all of their social gatherings to celebrate books. They were confident women, determined to change writing and the world writing stage in their connection to the magnificent, intelligent brains they had. So I just needed to get into their heads, the people of New York, and going out to meet them was my only option. I needed to find out what New York wants. So we left that night at the bar to find another artist-related function and this time it was about an author featuring her work and being published locally.

new york mistake

As I got the feedback about my paper, it brought feelings of nostalgia about something that happened to me in University in my hometown in Lethbridge, I had wrote a paper in the University’s Newspaper and this guy who read it basically said it wasn’t a proper review. I quit then but now i wasn’t going to do that. The paper was about a review of a play performance – he felt it should go beyond just what youre seeing in the play and rather should be about something else, something unique and significant that you saw about the characters, the plot, the setting, but it has to be greater than just those things. So not about character but how they dress and how that relates to what’s happening with the characters. I just quit then because I was weak, didn’t have the courage to do it, for fear he might criticize me again. But this discouragement, coming from my own paid work was not going to stop me! “Whats going on with your paper, hows it coming along?” a colleague asked me one day as I walked into work, full of anticipation of how the weekend went on it and excited to see what April would think of it. “It’s good,” I said, “it’s all I did for the weekend. Friday night I was so discouraged from it, I just watched Netflix with some popcorn and watched Downton Abbey, fell asleep, so it didn’t get touched that night, but when do I ever go out Friday nights anyway!?” The coworker April went on. “okay, so what happened for the rest of the weekend?” Well it was on how people use buying décor for their homes, including chairs, tables, couches, pillows and it's actually based on a paper I wrote in University. I thought it was a great idea because then you can appeal to a certain member of the audience who buys a lot of furniture, but since its really about criticizing those people because it states that we shouldn’t put our hope in ours possessions, the fulfillment won't last. The professor gave me an A but our boss Nathan said it wasn’t appropriate for here. “Ya well, we’e appealing to OUR audience, and they want to see the advantage, the value of purchasing material things so If you think that’s immoral you have to set that aside bc this is New York, it’s a different ballgame! People love buying stuff to show off to their friends and family, especially around now at Christmas." “Ya I get that, it just feels like I fell short, I should have known better because I know it's such a consumer culture here and it is in Canada too but way more here, you walk into J.C. Penny and people are fighting over who gets the last deal on a tv and that stuff just doesn’t happen in Canada, if you don’t get what you want you move on, but anyway here it is. I changed it up again and I think it’s better. “Good,” said Andrea, it just needed some tweeking, what else is new? That’s a writing career for you!

Amy and New York move

Fight with Amy Crying my eyes out one day with Amy, telling her of all John had done with Sandra, I was not sure how I should break it to Amy everything I had gone through. Amy, I said, I am I love with someone who is in love with someone else. Except he says he’s not in love. How do you know? Uh…because someone told me online I said Sarah, you cant marry him, like you’ve told me several times What do you mean I cant marry him? Hes married Sarah, don’t you get it? I get it, but its not certain in my mind. I don’t know what happened. It could be nothing. I mean what if hes doing all of this with her because of me. He told me he did it all for me. That is not enough. Did he call you? Text you? Has he been in touch at all these last few years? Well no. He said as the wedding was taking place that he was just ‘having a good time with his friends.’ This is why I dont buy or believe anything you or anyone says. Sarah, anyone telling you to listen to them care about you in the now, in the real world while youre up on top of us, out of reality and in a perceptive world that is not even true. I know he said this stuff to you, but hes married now you said and you are single. Why cant you go on being with a normal and real man? You cant marry him, hes already taken. I will not give up, he’s everything I could hope for. And theres not a soul on the earth that could change my mind. And some friend you are, I need you right now and you are not even saying anything to make the situation better. I have to go. I never want to see you again! From Edmonton to New York My last talk with Amy led me to the realization that I had to move on somewhere, there was nothing here for me, there were not any hopes of friendships and relationships developing at all and now my heart was on broken pieces because my best friend would not stay on my side. Everyone was against me. How could I stay here.. So I started to look for jobs in New York until I found one I liked. All my hard work at the University through this mad storm I was going through, was my saving grace! I had something to take me to a place I LOVED and it would hopefully keep my eyes off of these personal problems I was having. So I looked up some print journalism jobs. There were lots but only a few of them caught my eye. There was an online newspaper hiring at a nearby school, not much money and only for a short period of time to take a temporary position. ‘That’s okay,’ I thought. A year is plenty of time to accomplish a lot at an online journalism job! So I applied. I did not have the qualifications as some candidates probably, but they liked my sample article writing from university and I was determined that I was right, that this was the job for me! It had to be. Right where I wanted to be, this job could be carried anywhere I wanted, and I would be writing on news stories happening on the University Campus. When the Editor in Chief called me after I applied, I was absolutely delighted in how the interview went but I guess you just never know what is going to happen. So I didn’t keep my hopes up for fear of failure. What would happen next changed my life forever and it was a resounding yes!!! He was so welcoming and positive about how he thought it would go for me. I guess their biggest proof of this was my writing samples. I had article about news events conducted by the chair of the school I was at, art shows at the school, an article on a particular sculpture, and different events being held at the school. “How did that go, the fundraiser you had covered, what was it for?” “We as a school like to give back to our community so we often have fundraisers for the students needing extra food and they are allowed to pick and choose what they need.. They come in to the school and take what they need from the booth being displayed at the bottom portion of the University.” “Great. Sounds great,” he said back and it was a done deal.

italy explained

When I went to Italy with John, all the expressions of who we were was being revealed to the both of us. He was tired from work, I was overwhelmed with getting myself back from New York. We decided we needed a break and wanted to share it together. Sometimes it's just better to sit, think and breathe in nothing. From my point of view, I just wanted to relax and have a good time. What you were seeing in that part of my story was the willingness to enjoy my life, take life step by step and John just wants to have fun. He took us on the gondola ride, he would comment on every excursion we went on, saying, “look at that honey, look at this,” I guess he’s just the extrovert that I am not. When we got to the churches he’s like interested in all the hidden detail, the painting jobs, the golden walls and roof, the depiction of renaissance society in history through the pictures of naked people and I’m just viewing all of this thinking, ‘this is really relaxing and I love the paint and etc.. as well.’ You can expect a lot of that in this book! Remember it's just about how these walls are relaxing and surreal to me but he wants to experience everything over and over again because that’s what he loves, who he is…do everything! “No John,” I said to him one day and the future marriage problems were already starting to come out here. He wanted me to attend another excursion with him that was going to be so much fun for us. I didn’t want to because I wanted to be there to forget about life and enjoy it calmly but the thing with my husband is that he is always pushing for the next best thing. Don’t get me wrong, he's mine and I love him so much, but we ARE JUST DEFFERENT there. Men are like that I guess, and it is not always up to the woman to compromise, we work together as a team and John just didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay longer and I didn’t. He ended up coming with me anyway. But this is why I’m happy with him in my life. He brings excessive joy to my life like not other. He cooks, he cleans (😉), he’s an adventurer and I love this (though not to the EXTREMES that he takes his adventures)! I mean I could go on forever, there are so many things I love about him: he’s smart, protective, a leader, a dearest friend; he loves children, his job and all those wonderful things. But it doesn’t end in all of the material aspects of feeling in love. It has to be more for it to work. There will be hard times, so it has to be worth it to stay. The key is, he chooses me every time, no matter how it feels and no matter what I’ve done. He needed to show that to me and that is why I am writing this book for the reader: love is a choice. What will you choose? That is why I say yes and this is why I will marry him. So on we went. I had my ring on my finger with my purse on and my luggage on the other arm. I had a promise in my heart most of all that I would never forget. And I was in love with love. And that’s okay, you can be desperately and incandescently in love! We would board that plane with a kiss before we would sit down, luggage above our heads in the compartment. I would say to him, “sorry I didn’t want to stay, it’s not that I don’t care, I’m just ready for home.” And in his compliant and considerate way, he would say, “anything for you and your happiness, babe, and that makes me happy. Just to be with you is everything that I could have dreamed for.” “Same. I will always be here for you. My heart can be relied upon for that.” “Let’s forget everything that is behind us now because now all I want to do is be with you. Forever. Is that ok?” “Yes. I am ready and so are you.” “Ya, but it takes two to tango and that is the reason we work. I’m more than enough and you are just enough!” “Excuse me, we are a team, I’m not just a lesser scale of you. I’m unique. That’s why you love me, I’m different. And you are amazing.” “You are amazing yourself,” he said.

everything explained

I left with another man who will remain nameless. This was quite past when they decided to end it. But first lets explain what happened before that which involved another man. He was tall, a raquet player, polite – everything I loved in John. John had hurt me so bad, he wouldn’t stop doing everything that bugged me with Sandra, I frankly did not know how to communicate with him. My anger was so high because he just kept on being with her while I was alone. She was walking one day, and I was in the same vicinity as she was. I thought this was her way of expressing that it was over and I could come along with them now, because she could at least look me in the eye and be close to me. When they kept holding hands in pictures and indicating their so called love for each other after that, in words on social media, it was apparent to me that I was not important to him anymore. Im not saying that leaving him while hes with her is necessarily right. The average person would though but because I knew inside information, I held out so long to see what would come out of it. But nothing did. Im just thinking like, after that interaction, things will start to look up. But they did not at all. Remember, my rage was so immense, I just could not hold it back. But with my last bit of strength and being humble, to take a moment to settle down and give him yet again another benefit of the doubt, give him a chance to prove himself as one who still loves me, I sent a message to him, that I would come back to the church we attended. It was an outright “no”. What was I to do really? I had no idea what to do! To me, in the flesh, based on what I had seen, he was history, he was showing me that him and his family do not want me. In the inner man, in my spirit, I knew he loved me, but this was not enough to override my fears, my anger, disappointment and feeling of unworthiness. Despite what I felt in the flesh or believe inside, number one I was done with this nonsense and second to that, I just felt this is just all so wrong. So I left. I left with a man that seemed interested. At least it was a man who showed that interest and filled my void, my wounds from John. So whose right then and whose wrong? He felt like it was a betrayal. But he did things to me that were not quite so bad and still felt like one as well. On one hand, his family thinks I betrayed him. On the other, something Im leaving out is that he fabricated everything with Sandra that brought me to tears. They pretended to get married. This is utter betrayal, even if it ends up being in my favour in the end. Youre still hurting, betraying, bc your lady in waiting is dealing with a heart problem of trying to trust you and you are making her believe that she has to leave bc another woman satisfies you more and not her. So you break her heart because all of her dreams are being shattered by the one man that she put her trust in. So please don’t come to me and tell me that its my fault, that im the one who broke a heart. He did it first. So even though it turns out in favor for both of us, his method of shattering still leaves me with a broken heart and my method does the same. Im only writing this not to point the finger at anyone but to say we both hurt each other. I tried everything I could to make it right. And perhaps he did too. But a broken heart remains broken no matter how bad the betrayal. When it is labelled not as bad as opposed to something that is more obviously a betrayal, we often think the former is not betrayal because the pain is minimal. Really moving on with another person, versus moving on with someone who you don’t genuinely see yourself being with both hurt. Im not here writing this to judge, but to make the pain right and express my deepest feelings about it. You will understand more as we progress through the book.

last pages

In this point of the story sarah does not know how it will end as in most, one does not want to give it to the reader. John had left as mentioned and I was dnot feeling my best. I know its wrong but one thoghh being in love with him I had to fill my mind nd my life with something to ge over it, over him and her and the temptation to believe that im unworthyc of his love. That’s what it all feels like. And John would xsay he didn’t leave me or forsake me for Samdra but how can I go like that in this situation and not have a single doubt in my mind about that. Don’t women rely on that firm word of love and devotion thatz we feel when da man sets himself only up for one woman. Am I nuts to think that he can not be trusted, that even though a friend that he could fall in love with her and then im doomed because I lose my love of my life. So tell me reader, if I should go on or move on like most of my friends and the people I meetsay to do. My chances are pretty low right and that’s just not his perspective. He says, hes giving me space and letting me be alone like I want to, but it doesn’t necessarifly mean that he has tod leave right. So whose fault is this if things get way out of hand? Of course its his fault and all the male readers and anyone on his side in this will say that I am wrong, that its my fault if anything bad happens. Or can we say it’s the fault of those that started it in the first place. This is the age old question of relatinoships. And not only that todays people are always saying “live your life” and “let things go” and “go on an adventure”? right? So most people say and are in favour of letting go. IO guess im saying don’t have fun, don’t take risks, place it safe and don’t allow yourself to grow, learn and develop in the choices youb make. Ill leave it up to you what you think you would do, but for me, im thinking “im gonna get hurt” and “shes gonna fall in love” (even though he wont)! I guess in a way its a good idea to let go, as long as we stay in love. So saying I don’t want the adventure means I don’t want all of the fun, all the growing; I seriously think hes just doing this becuase he loves the adrenaline rush and the pursuit that men say they love. So lets see what happens and if he comes back and the outcome of it all on the both of us. But first lets look at all the opinions that Im not suppose to be listening to and whom say I should let go. Those kinds of people in my life I realize are not living by faith day to day. That’s what I call boring and bland and a waste of precious time. What fun is it to live life like that! One of my closest friends in Edmonton when he left, said that I should let him go. Her words being, “You never know who could come along,” pretty much she said. “If you don’t let go of what you have or long for you will never experience something new.” So this statement is the kind of statement saying that you have to ‘let the old things go if we want to experience something new. ‘ Okay sos I like that but not fint eh sense that she I smeaning. She wants me to not get hurt to not take risks because there could be someone else around the corner. But fi don’t want to let him go. I like what sh says because it helps me realize that its okay to let him go for a while, but I am not don her side and she doesn’t drealixe that because I don’t tell her that but we end up not really talking about this conversation and not being friends for the rest of my diuration in Edmonton. You might say oh shes been hurt in the past, thatsa why shes saying that. Well she has a past that hav framed her minds opinions. But this is not really why shes saying this. Shes saying this because this kind of love has never happened to anyone and she doesn’t fknow how to handle it except to let it go!!

love story3

So off we went to Central park one day as a date and it was all his idea. We had been there several times together, I loved the walk through the park and I brought Emma my dog with me. He had become the man I always dreamed of. He had a good job, he treated me right and every glance and look of love I have to say are the reasons I said yes. Yes, down on one knee he got and I can't tell you how amazing it felt. To be asked by him, to adore a person like this and for it to work is heaven’s blessing to me! Of course Emma was in on the whole event, trying to jump up at him when he got on one knee. She barked a few times and I had to hold her back, I WANTED TO BE THE ONE THAT GOT A KISS FROM MY NOW FIANCE. “I WANT TO SAY THAT YOU ARE MY WOMAN. I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU FROM THE MOMENT WE MET. You are bright and intelligent, you are burning with qualities that I love – your loyalty, drive, compassion and love. And it doesn’t stop there, you have a sparkling and enthusiastic way about you that I want to live with for the rest of my life. How can I find someone as talented as you? You write, you sing, you read books and I am convinced that you can do anything you put your mind to! After all that, and I could go on about family, friends, other accomplishments about how wonderful you are, but I must end here and ask you, honey, I want to be with you forever and I want to ask you if you will marry me.” “Yesssss, yes, a thousand times I say yes. Haven't I already said this a million times?” “Ha ha,” they laughed together, and he put the ring on her finger, and she danced for joy, and as he leaned in for a kiss, they both felt like the luckiest humans on the face of the earth! I don’t know whether to say the going back home to life where all their families and friends were quite as exciting as this, but they were both excited to see them all down the road. They called Sandra’s mom first, whom screamed on the phone, in Sandra’s ear that she had to remove it from getting too close to her ear. Of course, she could rely on her mom telling everybody! Next thing you know, she was getting texts from her best friends, aunties and uncles, sisters and brothers saying a great congratulations! Of course also, parties were already being planned to celebrate their engagement, etcetera! She felt so good about this and since this was going to work out this time, it felt just right! She didn’t regret anything, even though they had some bumps in the road along the way, and thanks to their commitment and love for each other, nobody, absolutely nobody, was in the way!

lovestory2

I wanted to be in this moment forever, where I am his and he is mine. It doesn’t really matter to me what he did in the past, it's about what we do now and where we are going. I've learned it does not matter because sometimes we don’t have control over the circumstance. You really can't control for example if you love someone, the feelings will just naturally flow out and your loyalty, faithfulness and love will stand no matter the obstacles. Do I think that love is inevitable even in the face of abuse and catastrophe, where you lose your soul and everything you’ve fought for to get to the place of love? No. But some things you lose along the way, some things stay with you and it helps you in your future. That’s what I'm talking about in this book, some things ae worth letting go and some are not, but the things you hold onto they are with you forever because they grasp upon a piece of your soul, heart, life that you don’t want to lose, or let go. So maybe that’s why I held onto him that long. Why I stayed with him all those years we were apart. There's something about him that sparks my interest. He's eccentric, full of life and passion, something I'm so attracted to in him, of course we share so many positive and wonderful things that we like and that builds connection. He can be hard on me, say things he shouldn’t, neglect me for himself, but those are all forgivable things that happen in any relationship, right? He’s right here with me now, now that Michelle is gone! And he’s standing in front of me right now as I write this to the reader. With all the pain, with all the sorrow, how could I go on, how could in let him in? Do you mean, doesn’t that hurt, isn't that the hardest part, letting in again after being so devastated at his departure and questionable things he's done to me? Love. Because I love him and I always knew he could come back. No, I don’t think it’s the hardest things to do as a couple. It’s the most courageous. Letting him know that I loved him was the hardest thing to do. Because of the risk of rejection, that made it really scary and hard but the most exciting of all experiences. So I'm not sitting here saying life and love are perfect. I have forgiven. He has fallen so short of my hopes some days. But love doesn’t stop there. It has to keep going, it needs a home, a place to rest, to feel safe and belonged. It’s not enough to have the most money, even the most love, but it has to be found in a place of comfort, joy and true contentment. That’s love. Because that’s where you truly belong and thrive. So we got married in a place of comfort instead of a place of plenty.