the secret admirer

I have already told you about how we met at a chapters in Edmonton, and how our love affair got started there. We talked about ultimate frisbee, medicine and I have left out a few details of our time there. To get straight to it, the stranger talking to me about having no ring was not the only conversation I had with another man. First of all, I did not care about any other man in my life the way I have for John. Nevertheless, I go on. This guy was talking to me at the cash registers and just started randomly giving me a hug and a back massage, maybe. Further to this, John was upstairs on his computer and all I could see was his very muscular and sexy arms and back. Those arms, omg, my favourite thing about him, but at this point I could mainly see the muscles protruding from his hoody. Yes, I am very well taken care of in this respect. I have lots of muscle to admire for the rest of our days together here on earth. Anyway, the point is that without knowing, I was technically doing him something very wrong. I swear I did not know this offends and drives men away. Without mentioning more personal details, I will just say we had discussed that this exchange of intimacy and response to that was just a miscommunication. This is more his explanation for describing why he left and sadly this moment could have been the catalyst causing him to leave and start to drift away from me eventually. So there's this guy, overweight and so disgusting to me because John was, just lets be honest, a hunk, or in my mind I understand him to be a very attractive man. Wouldn’t any man who was in love with a woman, and I know him to have been at this time, whom saw this taking place with another man, be jealous? Well of course, I realize in retrospect now. But then, it was just fun for me, so I had no idea that at this moment it would drive him away from me. But I assure you our miscommunication did not end there, it was going in so many directions with so many factors pulling him away from Edmonton. Why do women do this? Why do men react so to the woman they love? I would like to explain that later as we look into the male psyche as to why men run away????? Well I know that My thinking is he was just a friend, I didn’t want him but I was attracted to ONLY the idea of having a man take interest in me.For me it wasn’t that I didn’t love him or him to me, it was just a matter of putting our connection and love on hold. This would set the course for everything I was looking for in the next five years, to be attached but not interested or in love with a man. Just freedom. Just being myself. Not controlled. There are a million reasons to expect me to be single the rest of my life or to not find love with John. But that day made certain for me that that would never happen. With all the hi’s and goodbye’s, and that is all we cared to say to each other (not just him), every bit of love and interaction, brought us to love. Two of the best interactions we endured are left to Chapters again. First of all, his gesture as he sees me in my very sexy white shirt which did hang a little low, was very becoming and HIS INTENTIONS were clear to me. That is to say, he was in love with me. He says, as he looks on my breast, “Sarah,” as he passes by. I know this is very simple, but the way he says it is what made me feel that our dating life was coming up next. His voice sounded intrigued, compelled, mesmerized by my beauty and I was pleased to offer him my greatest surrender out of all the men I had ever met. However, on our last day together he surprised me to the maximum. I was grabbing a starbucks and he was sitting down, when he came around the corner and passed me, staring at me, and saying my name again, only this time I said “hi”! I have so many other things to say about all of this but what I conclude in this chapter is he got one last look at me, and off he went! I believed he would carry himself very well, and that he did! But there was another woman in his life. And it was like this: I either cry about it and there were many of that, or I realize I can trust him that he will not let me down, reject and leave me. so He says to me, “I never left you” and so that is consolation enough for me!