updated "secret admirer"

I have already told you about how we met at a chapters in Edmonton, and how our love affair got started there. We talked about ultimate frisbee, medicine and I have left out a few details of our time there. To get straight to it, the stranger talking to me about having no ring was not the only conversation I had with another man. First of all, I did not care about any other man in my life the way I have for John. Nevertheless, I go on. This guy was talking to me at the cash registers and just started randomly giving me a hug and a back massage, maybe. Further to this, John was upstairs on his computer and all I could see was his very muscular and sexy arms and back. Those arms, omg, my favourite thing about him, but at this point I could mainly see the muscles protruding from his hoody. “Yes, I am very well taken care of in this respect. I have lots of muscle to admire for the rest of our days together here on earth,” I thought. This man giving me a hug at work seemed a little inappropriate and John was probably seeing all of it. I mean, what was I to do? Tell him to stop and embarrass him while John carries on at his computer? Well I suppose if I had known this would upset a man that I actually love, watching him typing at his computer and watching the strength of his muscles through his clothing, I may have done things differently. I realize that this is not all my fault though. A man will pursue you despite all his challenges so I was waiting for this to happen. A girl can not give up, but hope and trust in devotion first to god, then man, is what women face, that man will come around despite challenges and no matter the circumstances. The point is that without knowing, I was technically doing him something very wrong. I swear I did not know this offends and drives men away. Without mentioning the more personal details, I will just say we had discussed that this exchange of intimacy and response to that was just a miscommunication. He also said, coming from his own mouth, that we were on the verge of dating! This is more his explanation for describing why he left and sadly this moment could have been the catalyst causing him to leave and start to drift away from me eventually. So here’s this guy, overweight and so disgusting to me because John was just lets be honest a hunk, or in my mind I understand him to be a very attractive man. Wouldn’t any man who was in love with a woman, and I know him to have been at this time, whom saw this taking place with another man, be jealous? Well of course, I realize in retrospect now. But then, it was just fun for me, so I had no idea that at this moment it would drive him away from me. But I assure you our problems did not end there, many things were going in so many directions with so many factors pulling him away from Edmonton. BUT this would be the challenge for him. Will he get over this rejection? Would he even love me? Is this something he can overlook and forgive? Time would tell and he would have to discover these very things separate from me and not ACTUALLY dating as we both had hoped. The pages will reveal these truths in times to come. Why do women do this? Why do men react so to the woman they love? I would like to explain that later as we look into the male psyche as to why men run away????? Well I know that My thinking is he was just a friend, I didn’t want him but I was attracted to ONLY the idea of having a man take interest in me. For me it wasn’t that I didn’t love him or him to me, it was just a matter of putting our connection and love on hold. This would set the course for everything I was looking for in the next five years, to be attached but not interested or in love with a man. Just freedom. Just being myself. Not controlled. Trusting in each other that this was the right course to take was a challenge because despite all the effort we had already made things had sort of crumbled and were wasted in one decision to part ways. The truth is we both had our reasons for letting go at this time. And miraculously, our reasons were quite the same. So we sat down for dinner one night, to talk about this, resolve everything, reminisce on all that god had done in our lives and what would be a conversation about how we will go from here. We get to the restaurant and I can see John looking ahead a lot and another lady flagged him down, while he asked me to just wait at the table where we were going to sit. It must have been the lady he talked of, and he said they were going to be hanging out one night, to which I wasn’t very happy at all. So what was going to be a pleasant date night turned into a trio. He introduced me to her. She came over and this is how it went! “Hi, my name is Michelle, I’m John’s friend!” she said. “Oh, really?” I said. John spoke and asked, “Can she sit here with us, I just want us to talk about something, all three of us?” Well I didn’t really have a choice! So I agreed. “What’s the HARM” I thought, and that is very true - what’s the harm with having a friend. So here we went on talking about it. “I think it’s a good idea if Michelle and I take off for a while,’ he said. “And where does that leave me?” “Well if it’s okay with you, we can just be gone for let’s say, six months, to give you some space, to let you think about us for a while. I don’t want to scare you or inconvenience you in any way and certainly not control you.” He goes on. “Based on everything we have discussed til now, it seems like we both like each other but based on our history this is not the greatest time for us.” “Ok, so you’re choosing her over me?” (In a sense that’s what he was doing but because this was a friendship, I did not put up a fight.) To which he replied, “No, no, this is not what I’m doing! I don’t want you to feel controlled the way you have described. I know you to be a woman, after these three months, who likes your space, so I don’t want to take that away from you. If you want space, I want to give it to you.” “Okay,” I said. “You are very right and accurate in telling me this. But I am very uncomfortable with you leaving with another woman. This has happened to me in my past and I have always expected the man to choose me. So I’m not happy with this. But I am going to let you do it because I’m not a control freak and I will not hold you back on your decision.” Michelle jumps in. “What John is saying is true. We’re not in a relationship beyond that of friendship!” I wasn’t going to reveal certain things to her because I didn’t want to seem weak, but my greatest fear was now happening or had the potential to happen down the road! “I know, Michelle, but hear from my point of view. He’s leaving with another woman, period. That could make things complicated, confusing and uncomfortable because he’s not here for me at all, but for you.” “Well he’s saying he wants to give you space because you want it. And he has other reasons because of his past as well” “well, let’s have some supper and talk it over, but like I said I’m not going to control you and tell you to stay with me, because of my reasons and because of yours.” I said. And at the end of dinner, I said to John, “we need to talk alone about this!” which he agreed to do.