new york mistake

As I got the feedback about my paper, it brought feelings of nostalgia about something that happened to me in University in my hometown in Lethbridge, I had wrote a paper in the University’s Newspaper and this guy who read it basically said it wasn’t a proper review. I quit then but now i wasn’t going to do that. The paper was about a review of a play performance – he felt it should go beyond just what youre seeing in the play and rather should be about something else, something unique and significant that you saw about the characters, the plot, the setting, but it has to be greater than just those things. So not about character but how they dress and how that relates to what’s happening with the characters. I just quit then because I was weak, didn’t have the courage to do it, for fear he might criticize me again. But this discouragement, coming from my own paid work was not going to stop me! “Whats going on with your paper, hows it coming along?” a colleague asked me one day as I walked into work, full of anticipation of how the weekend went on it and excited to see what April would think of it. “It’s good,” I said, “it’s all I did for the weekend. Friday night I was so discouraged from it, I just watched Netflix with some popcorn and watched Downton Abbey, fell asleep, so it didn’t get touched that night, but when do I ever go out Friday nights anyway!?” The coworker April went on. “okay, so what happened for the rest of the weekend?” Well it was on how people use buying décor for their homes, including chairs, tables, couches, pillows and it's actually based on a paper I wrote in University. I thought it was a great idea because then you can appeal to a certain member of the audience who buys a lot of furniture, but since its really about criticizing those people because it states that we shouldn’t put our hope in ours possessions, the fulfillment won't last. The professor gave me an A but our boss Nathan said it wasn’t appropriate for here. “Ya well, we’e appealing to OUR audience, and they want to see the advantage, the value of purchasing material things so If you think that’s immoral you have to set that aside bc this is New York, it’s a different ballgame! People love buying stuff to show off to their friends and family, especially around now at Christmas." “Ya I get that, it just feels like I fell short, I should have known better because I know it's such a consumer culture here and it is in Canada too but way more here, you walk into J.C. Penny and people are fighting over who gets the last deal on a tv and that stuff just doesn’t happen in Canada, if you don’t get what you want you move on, but anyway here it is. I changed it up again and I think it’s better. “Good,” said Andrea, it just needed some tweeking, what else is new? That’s a writing career for you!

Amy and New York move

Fight with Amy Crying my eyes out one day with Amy, telling her of all John had done with Sandra, I was not sure how I should break it to Amy everything I had gone through. Amy, I said, I am I love with someone who is in love with someone else. Except he says he’s not in love. How do you know? Uh…because someone told me online I said Sarah, you cant marry him, like you’ve told me several times What do you mean I cant marry him? Hes married Sarah, don’t you get it? I get it, but its not certain in my mind. I don’t know what happened. It could be nothing. I mean what if hes doing all of this with her because of me. He told me he did it all for me. That is not enough. Did he call you? Text you? Has he been in touch at all these last few years? Well no. He said as the wedding was taking place that he was just ‘having a good time with his friends.’ This is why I dont buy or believe anything you or anyone says. Sarah, anyone telling you to listen to them care about you in the now, in the real world while youre up on top of us, out of reality and in a perceptive world that is not even true. I know he said this stuff to you, but hes married now you said and you are single. Why cant you go on being with a normal and real man? You cant marry him, hes already taken. I will not give up, he’s everything I could hope for. And theres not a soul on the earth that could change my mind. And some friend you are, I need you right now and you are not even saying anything to make the situation better. I have to go. I never want to see you again! From Edmonton to New York My last talk with Amy led me to the realization that I had to move on somewhere, there was nothing here for me, there were not any hopes of friendships and relationships developing at all and now my heart was on broken pieces because my best friend would not stay on my side. Everyone was against me. How could I stay here.. So I started to look for jobs in New York until I found one I liked. All my hard work at the University through this mad storm I was going through, was my saving grace! I had something to take me to a place I LOVED and it would hopefully keep my eyes off of these personal problems I was having. So I looked up some print journalism jobs. There were lots but only a few of them caught my eye. There was an online newspaper hiring at a nearby school, not much money and only for a short period of time to take a temporary position. ‘That’s okay,’ I thought. A year is plenty of time to accomplish a lot at an online journalism job! So I applied. I did not have the qualifications as some candidates probably, but they liked my sample article writing from university and I was determined that I was right, that this was the job for me! It had to be. Right where I wanted to be, this job could be carried anywhere I wanted, and I would be writing on news stories happening on the University Campus. When the Editor in Chief called me after I applied, I was absolutely delighted in how the interview went but I guess you just never know what is going to happen. So I didn’t keep my hopes up for fear of failure. What would happen next changed my life forever and it was a resounding yes!!! He was so welcoming and positive about how he thought it would go for me. I guess their biggest proof of this was my writing samples. I had article about news events conducted by the chair of the school I was at, art shows at the school, an article on a particular sculpture, and different events being held at the school. “How did that go, the fundraiser you had covered, what was it for?” “We as a school like to give back to our community so we often have fundraisers for the students needing extra food and they are allowed to pick and choose what they need.. They come in to the school and take what they need from the booth being displayed at the bottom portion of the University.” “Great. Sounds great,” he said back and it was a done deal.

italy explained

When I went to Italy with John, all the expressions of who we were was being revealed to the both of us. He was tired from work, I was overwhelmed with getting myself back from New York. We decided we needed a break and wanted to share it together. Sometimes it's just better to sit, think and breathe in nothing. From my point of view, I just wanted to relax and have a good time. What you were seeing in that part of my story was the willingness to enjoy my life, take life step by step and John just wants to have fun. He took us on the gondola ride, he would comment on every excursion we went on, saying, “look at that honey, look at this,” I guess he’s just the extrovert that I am not. When we got to the churches he’s like interested in all the hidden detail, the painting jobs, the golden walls and roof, the depiction of renaissance society in history through the pictures of naked people and I’m just viewing all of this thinking, ‘this is really relaxing and I love the paint and etc.. as well.’ You can expect a lot of that in this book! Remember it's just about how these walls are relaxing and surreal to me but he wants to experience everything over and over again because that’s what he loves, who he is…do everything! “No John,” I said to him one day and the future marriage problems were already starting to come out here. He wanted me to attend another excursion with him that was going to be so much fun for us. I didn’t want to because I wanted to be there to forget about life and enjoy it calmly but the thing with my husband is that he is always pushing for the next best thing. Don’t get me wrong, he's mine and I love him so much, but we ARE JUST DEFFERENT there. Men are like that I guess, and it is not always up to the woman to compromise, we work together as a team and John just didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay longer and I didn’t. He ended up coming with me anyway. But this is why I’m happy with him in my life. He brings excessive joy to my life like not other. He cooks, he cleans (😉), he’s an adventurer and I love this (though not to the EXTREMES that he takes his adventures)! I mean I could go on forever, there are so many things I love about him: he’s smart, protective, a leader, a dearest friend; he loves children, his job and all those wonderful things. But it doesn’t end in all of the material aspects of feeling in love. It has to be more for it to work. There will be hard times, so it has to be worth it to stay. The key is, he chooses me every time, no matter how it feels and no matter what I’ve done. He needed to show that to me and that is why I am writing this book for the reader: love is a choice. What will you choose? That is why I say yes and this is why I will marry him. So on we went. I had my ring on my finger with my purse on and my luggage on the other arm. I had a promise in my heart most of all that I would never forget. And I was in love with love. And that’s okay, you can be desperately and incandescently in love! We would board that plane with a kiss before we would sit down, luggage above our heads in the compartment. I would say to him, “sorry I didn’t want to stay, it’s not that I don’t care, I’m just ready for home.” And in his compliant and considerate way, he would say, “anything for you and your happiness, babe, and that makes me happy. Just to be with you is everything that I could have dreamed for.” “Same. I will always be here for you. My heart can be relied upon for that.” “Let’s forget everything that is behind us now because now all I want to do is be with you. Forever. Is that ok?” “Yes. I am ready and so are you.” “Ya, but it takes two to tango and that is the reason we work. I’m more than enough and you are just enough!” “Excuse me, we are a team, I’m not just a lesser scale of you. I’m unique. That’s why you love me, I’m different. And you are amazing.” “You are amazing yourself,” he said.

everything explained

I left with another man who will remain nameless. This was quite past when they decided to end it. But first lets explain what happened before that which involved another man. He was tall, a raquet player, polite – everything I loved in John. John had hurt me so bad, he wouldn’t stop doing everything that bugged me with Sandra, I frankly did not know how to communicate with him. My anger was so high because he just kept on being with her while I was alone. She was walking one day, and I was in the same vicinity as she was. I thought this was her way of expressing that it was over and I could come along with them now, because she could at least look me in the eye and be close to me. When they kept holding hands in pictures and indicating their so called love for each other after that, in words on social media, it was apparent to me that I was not important to him anymore. Im not saying that leaving him while hes with her is necessarily right. The average person would though but because I knew inside information, I held out so long to see what would come out of it. But nothing did. Im just thinking like, after that interaction, things will start to look up. But they did not at all. Remember, my rage was so immense, I just could not hold it back. But with my last bit of strength and being humble, to take a moment to settle down and give him yet again another benefit of the doubt, give him a chance to prove himself as one who still loves me, I sent a message to him, that I would come back to the church we attended. It was an outright “no”. What was I to do really? I had no idea what to do! To me, in the flesh, based on what I had seen, he was history, he was showing me that him and his family do not want me. In the inner man, in my spirit, I knew he loved me, but this was not enough to override my fears, my anger, disappointment and feeling of unworthiness. Despite what I felt in the flesh or believe inside, number one I was done with this nonsense and second to that, I just felt this is just all so wrong. So I left. I left with a man that seemed interested. At least it was a man who showed that interest and filled my void, my wounds from John. So whose right then and whose wrong? He felt like it was a betrayal. But he did things to me that were not quite so bad and still felt like one as well. On one hand, his family thinks I betrayed him. On the other, something Im leaving out is that he fabricated everything with Sandra that brought me to tears. They pretended to get married. This is utter betrayal, even if it ends up being in my favour in the end. Youre still hurting, betraying, bc your lady in waiting is dealing with a heart problem of trying to trust you and you are making her believe that she has to leave bc another woman satisfies you more and not her. So you break her heart because all of her dreams are being shattered by the one man that she put her trust in. So please don’t come to me and tell me that its my fault, that im the one who broke a heart. He did it first. So even though it turns out in favor for both of us, his method of shattering still leaves me with a broken heart and my method does the same. Im only writing this not to point the finger at anyone but to say we both hurt each other. I tried everything I could to make it right. And perhaps he did too. But a broken heart remains broken no matter how bad the betrayal. When it is labelled not as bad as opposed to something that is more obviously a betrayal, we often think the former is not betrayal because the pain is minimal. Really moving on with another person, versus moving on with someone who you don’t genuinely see yourself being with both hurt. Im not here writing this to judge, but to make the pain right and express my deepest feelings about it. You will understand more as we progress through the book.

last pages

In this point of the story sarah does not know how it will end as in most, one does not want to give it to the reader. John had left as mentioned and I was dnot feeling my best. I know its wrong but one thoghh being in love with him I had to fill my mind nd my life with something to ge over it, over him and her and the temptation to believe that im unworthyc of his love. That’s what it all feels like. And John would xsay he didn’t leave me or forsake me for Samdra but how can I go like that in this situation and not have a single doubt in my mind about that. Don’t women rely on that firm word of love and devotion thatz we feel when da man sets himself only up for one woman. Am I nuts to think that he can not be trusted, that even though a friend that he could fall in love with her and then im doomed because I lose my love of my life. So tell me reader, if I should go on or move on like most of my friends and the people I meetsay to do. My chances are pretty low right and that’s just not his perspective. He says, hes giving me space and letting me be alone like I want to, but it doesn’t necessarifly mean that he has tod leave right. So whose fault is this if things get way out of hand? Of course its his fault and all the male readers and anyone on his side in this will say that I am wrong, that its my fault if anything bad happens. Or can we say it’s the fault of those that started it in the first place. This is the age old question of relatinoships. And not only that todays people are always saying “live your life” and “let things go” and “go on an adventure”? right? So most people say and are in favour of letting go. IO guess im saying don’t have fun, don’t take risks, place it safe and don’t allow yourself to grow, learn and develop in the choices youb make. Ill leave it up to you what you think you would do, but for me, im thinking “im gonna get hurt” and “shes gonna fall in love” (even though he wont)! I guess in a way its a good idea to let go, as long as we stay in love. So saying I don’t want the adventure means I don’t want all of the fun, all the growing; I seriously think hes just doing this becuase he loves the adrenaline rush and the pursuit that men say they love. So lets see what happens and if he comes back and the outcome of it all on the both of us. But first lets look at all the opinions that Im not suppose to be listening to and whom say I should let go. Those kinds of people in my life I realize are not living by faith day to day. That’s what I call boring and bland and a waste of precious time. What fun is it to live life like that! One of my closest friends in Edmonton when he left, said that I should let him go. Her words being, “You never know who could come along,” pretty much she said. “If you don’t let go of what you have or long for you will never experience something new.” So this statement is the kind of statement saying that you have to ‘let the old things go if we want to experience something new. ‘ Okay sos I like that but not fint eh sense that she I smeaning. She wants me to not get hurt to not take risks because there could be someone else around the corner. But fi don’t want to let him go. I like what sh says because it helps me realize that its okay to let him go for a while, but I am not don her side and she doesn’t drealixe that because I don’t tell her that but we end up not really talking about this conversation and not being friends for the rest of my diuration in Edmonton. You might say oh shes been hurt in the past, thatsa why shes saying that. Well she has a past that hav framed her minds opinions. But this is not really why shes saying this. Shes saying this because this kind of love has never happened to anyone and she doesn’t fknow how to handle it except to let it go!!

love story3

So off we went to Central park one day as a date and it was all his idea. We had been there several times together, I loved the walk through the park and I brought Emma my dog with me. He had become the man I always dreamed of. He had a good job, he treated me right and every glance and look of love I have to say are the reasons I said yes. Yes, down on one knee he got and I can't tell you how amazing it felt. To be asked by him, to adore a person like this and for it to work is heaven’s blessing to me! Of course Emma was in on the whole event, trying to jump up at him when he got on one knee. She barked a few times and I had to hold her back, I WANTED TO BE THE ONE THAT GOT A KISS FROM MY NOW FIANCE. “I WANT TO SAY THAT YOU ARE MY WOMAN. I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU FROM THE MOMENT WE MET. You are bright and intelligent, you are burning with qualities that I love – your loyalty, drive, compassion and love. And it doesn’t stop there, you have a sparkling and enthusiastic way about you that I want to live with for the rest of my life. How can I find someone as talented as you? You write, you sing, you read books and I am convinced that you can do anything you put your mind to! After all that, and I could go on about family, friends, other accomplishments about how wonderful you are, but I must end here and ask you, honey, I want to be with you forever and I want to ask you if you will marry me.” “Yesssss, yes, a thousand times I say yes. Haven't I already said this a million times?” “Ha ha,” they laughed together, and he put the ring on her finger, and she danced for joy, and as he leaned in for a kiss, they both felt like the luckiest humans on the face of the earth! I don’t know whether to say the going back home to life where all their families and friends were quite as exciting as this, but they were both excited to see them all down the road. They called Sandra’s mom first, whom screamed on the phone, in Sandra’s ear that she had to remove it from getting too close to her ear. Of course, she could rely on her mom telling everybody! Next thing you know, she was getting texts from her best friends, aunties and uncles, sisters and brothers saying a great congratulations! Of course also, parties were already being planned to celebrate their engagement, etcetera! She felt so good about this and since this was going to work out this time, it felt just right! She didn’t regret anything, even though they had some bumps in the road along the way, and thanks to their commitment and love for each other, nobody, absolutely nobody, was in the way!

lovestory2

I wanted to be in this moment forever, where I am his and he is mine. It doesn’t really matter to me what he did in the past, it's about what we do now and where we are going. I've learned it does not matter because sometimes we don’t have control over the circumstance. You really can't control for example if you love someone, the feelings will just naturally flow out and your loyalty, faithfulness and love will stand no matter the obstacles. Do I think that love is inevitable even in the face of abuse and catastrophe, where you lose your soul and everything you’ve fought for to get to the place of love? No. But some things you lose along the way, some things stay with you and it helps you in your future. That’s what I'm talking about in this book, some things ae worth letting go and some are not, but the things you hold onto they are with you forever because they grasp upon a piece of your soul, heart, life that you don’t want to lose, or let go. So maybe that’s why I held onto him that long. Why I stayed with him all those years we were apart. There's something about him that sparks my interest. He's eccentric, full of life and passion, something I'm so attracted to in him, of course we share so many positive and wonderful things that we like and that builds connection. He can be hard on me, say things he shouldn’t, neglect me for himself, but those are all forgivable things that happen in any relationship, right? He’s right here with me now, now that Michelle is gone! And he’s standing in front of me right now as I write this to the reader. With all the pain, with all the sorrow, how could I go on, how could in let him in? Do you mean, doesn’t that hurt, isn't that the hardest part, letting in again after being so devastated at his departure and questionable things he's done to me? Love. Because I love him and I always knew he could come back. No, I don’t think it’s the hardest things to do as a couple. It’s the most courageous. Letting him know that I loved him was the hardest thing to do. Because of the risk of rejection, that made it really scary and hard but the most exciting of all experiences. So I'm not sitting here saying life and love are perfect. I have forgiven. He has fallen so short of my hopes some days. But love doesn’t stop there. It has to keep going, it needs a home, a place to rest, to feel safe and belonged. It’s not enough to have the most money, even the most love, but it has to be found in a place of comfort, joy and true contentment. That’s love. Because that’s where you truly belong and thrive. So we got married in a place of comfort instead of a place of plenty.

Love story1

When he called me one night, he had cleared the air. He promised he would never go back to her, his promise was sure and his feelings were gone. So I decided that’s it, I trust him. So here I was talking now to the man I always wanted! 'He’s a good guy,' I thought. Despite all the wreckage and the hard times together over the past six months, we were off to a great start. “Honey, I want you to know that that part of my life with her is gone. I released myself from it and I am fully focusing on you. It’s just hard to move on sometimes, even though she’s with someone right now. She says she’s over us and I say the same. There is nothing to worry about, when I say I just talk to her about life. We never have anything to say about love, where we went wrong and what it could have been because she and I are both moved on and happy in our new relationships.” “I get it,” I said. “Then why do you need to talk to her? She probably doesn’t even care about you anymore and doesn’t feel the need to keep in touch, maybe that’s just you and you should let her go.” “I know its weird, but it’s the truth about her and I. I don’t care about her and she doesn’t care about me. Let’s stop talking about this and move on. What’s done is done. It’s off my chest now and we can focus on ourselves. Let’s go out for dinner tonight and not think about it anymore.” So we did that night and we had a fabulous time. “Honey, you look so good and I am so glad that you are here with me. It means the world to me that you are here. What more could I want out of life, but to have you here sharing this moment with me.” “Me too,” I said. I’ve wanted nothing more than being with a man that loves only me and who will give me all his love and attention. I can’t tell you how amazing I feel that you love me and have chosen me to sit here across from this table and tell me such wonderful things about your heart. I’ve dreamed of exquisite places like this fancy restaurant and how you look amazing and sharp tonight in your dressy shirt and vest. Did you know I have always admired that about you, how you make an effort to look good?” “Well, thank you Sandra, I mean it that you are such a special and important person to me, in my life. It’s like I never loved her or anyone else the way that I love you. It’s hard to express any of my feelings for you, I JUST KNOW YOU'RE HERE AND IT MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE. I'm so excited to see how our lives mesh together and make something so wonderful and beautiful for the world to see.”

counsellor

I took this information home that night and I felt much better. Janet can be such a life-saver sometimes. Well most of the time. Psychologists just have this way of being encouraging. I've been to others as well, in their offices. I was talking to one in particular, she always focused on the solution and not the problem. My brother had been bugging me to get some advice and counselling for something going on in my ilfe, he could tell I was distressed and just needed some counselling. I was never one for people hearing my problems, I mean “I felt like why should I burden people with my problems,” I told him. He was still very adamant of seeing one. I got the impression from him it is always very freeing and liberating to talk to someone and hear them supporting you and bringing light to your dark situations. So I went to see one this time even after talking to Janet. I felt I could go on longer and get some advice. I felt like I was trapped, locked in a relationship I could not get out of. I mean, I love him and all, but his relationships, while loving me was getting just too weird for me. People around me besides Janet were telling me to let him go and move on to another relationship. So I went to see this lady. I told her about the relationship. She was cool about it like Janet. “Well she says, sounds like a nice guy trying to figure some things out. He also seems as though he’s searching but still wanting that connection with you. So I want to get your opinion and feelings about him, to get on the same page as you, clearly. Are you ready?” she says. Of course I say yes. “What’s his name?” “John” “okay what's going on in his life. What's his occupation? What do we know about him?” “Well, he's a real state agent. That’s all I really know except for the other stuff I told you about his previous relationship.” “Ah, okay. So he has his own business which means he's very driven and likes to be independent. He’s probably a confident and sort of friendly man too, typical for that kind of job.” “Ya that’s why I love him. I've never had a guy so willing to get to know and pursue me, even before we started dating.” “Okay, so we’ve got some information here that can help us understand him a little more. Because it's not up to us to try and CHANGE ANYONE, we need to understand why they are acting a certain way and hopefully find out how we can solve a human problem that way. Often it's not what's going on outside that matters but what's going on inside. It could be different things related to personality, it could be insecurities felt on the inside. I think if that is happening plus all his characteristics that are a part of his personality, we can figure out how to treat him. And then you have to ask yourself, 'can I handle this, as his partner? You both have to pass this test. It's not like you're not capable, but you have to prove it to yourself first and then you will go up in confidence, loyalty and strength.'”

roomate/psychologist

“He what?” said my roommate when I told her. I knew this was not going to go over well. Anyone I tell about him just does not agree with me. I’m just going along trying to do the best i can to stay positive about him, as you can see by my conversations with him, but I just have to side with her sometimes because it's so obscure. "The reason this is such a problem is that you cant really blame him, his last girlfriend cheated on him and he’s just not over her. He says the nicest things to me. He says all those lovey dovey comments. But i just don’t think im okay with this. However, he’ll keep going on and on about how much he loves me. You’ll never understand until you meet him and hear how genuine and serious he is with me. I’m his sunlight, his everything and I feel so good with him. Couples like this just do not work out so I can see why you might think that." “Well,” said my roommate, you’ll just have to wait to see how the relationship goes. Sometimes men do change, sometimes not, they can drop everything and put their focus on you and sometimes it's not worth it to them, so you need to ask him those questions before you get serious. If he is damn serious about you he'll do those things and even if he wont stop talking to his exes, if he is reassuring and if its promising to you that he'll let go for you, then that is a good answer to your question of whether he truly loves you. He doesn’t have to be perfect, but if he's willing to work this through and work on your relationship, then it should be alright. But it's not like you're perfect either, you have your flaws, but you would never let another human get in the way of your serious relationship so at the right time he's got to let go. If that is fair and makes sense to him, while also letting go of the past at a certain time, I think it will be alright. I go on. “I think its worth it. I think he means well, like he is not trying to discourage and hurt me. I think his emotions and feelings are true for me. He says sorry, he seems excited and is looking forward TO SEEING ME ALL THE TIME. He even talks about our future like it has already happened. That’s a keeper! He’s looking forward with eyes that are glued on me and not her, not anyone. Maybe I just need to give him the space and time he needs to get over her. You’re right, just give him some time.” “As a psychologist, I see cases like these all the time and I always tell them this. If he acts like a duck, he is. He's a quacker. But sometimes men change. That doesn’t mean it always works but there is still a chance that he will change his ways. Sometimes, you have to be passive, in other times you have to be firm, telling him with honesty about how you feel but listening with ears of acceptance and gentleness. So what do I want you to take with you this week? Confidence and belief that you are enough. You are enough to see the change and make a relationship work.”

not so bizarre

You would think after all that hes done to me, I would want to leave. I would put up shields and defense and never want to speak to the guy again. Okay, don’t get me wrong, he’s nice, he can make GOOD CONNVERSATION, he excuses himself when he leaves and he really does truly enjoy our company together. He says, “I’m so glad you’re here”, “you are the best date I have ever had the privilege of knowing.” And he doesn’t just take me to some random burger place – that’s for times when we've been together so long and we only go there because it’s a nice, summer day. I mean, there are unwritten rules about dates and dating. Others include to not select the most expensive meal on the menu, don’t flirt with the server (I hate when they flirt with my date), don’t talk about past relationships, never make eye contact with another man, really get to know each other and always, always, always say thank you when he opens doors (as well as car doors), when you’re done your date! But why would I hold on, cherish, be patient and yearn for a man that is doing all these obscure things. Maybe I shouldn’t say these things about a guy I care about. But I’m just trying to be honest telling these things, you know, like he says to me. He says he still talks to his exes to get closure and hold onto something until his feelings have dissipated into thin air, no longer to be felt by the dimples and muscles of his body. I mean I get that, but does this mean that he doesn’t care about MY FEELINGS? I think so. “So what about me, John,” I said the first time he left and came back. “What about it?” he said. “So you obviously don’t see the wrong in what you just did. Come on, I’m not oblivious to what you're doing in the bathroom,” I said. “That’s just how I am, I need space and time and I will let them go,” he said. “I don’t know if I really like this. We are here on a date, we should get to know each other and I don’t like what you're doing. We should be holding hands, discussing our plans in our lives, looking forward to new adventures together but as for us, we are conversing about the past, dwelling there instead of living in the moment and missing that joy. In other relationships and with other men I would excuse anything on a date - his inability to connect with me, his lack of charm and romance, saying things out of order as all men do at some point or another. But this guy, John, he tops them all, keeping these girls in his life. He says, “I love you Sandra, I'm not trying to turn you away in any way, I think you are great! If that is what I am making you feel, I am sorry. I just hold on too much sometimes but this doesn’t mean we aren’t important to me and my life, I just need you to bear with me for a while, I promise it will get better! I love you.”

what an interesting man

So we finally took our date, me and the starbucks guy. I think it could have been successful despite the challenges and I do think about this a lot actually, because the guy was the type that always draws you in, you could feel totally drawn to him no matter what bugged you, because he'd got this aura that makes him so powerful, so electrifyingly attractive, know what I mean? So things had got into a real good time together. He’s strong talking about all the things he’s done to all kinds of women and how he does not regret one of them! He’s focused and loyal to his work and what he does for real estate. He talked about his family too, he loves them. But there's one thing that seemed little off. He had to go to the bathroom maybe three or four times. Were sitting down weve ordered our meals, mine a famous carbonara pasta which I love so much, and him a signature steak of the restaurant. “Why have you been going to the restroom so many times, is this how you usually spend your dates?” “It’s just what I do!” he responded. “So this is not about using the washroom, you are rather doing other things, like making phone calls to all your exes?” Well he had said that he doesn’t regret anything he had done to them! I thought it was really fishy because on one hand here I was with him, but he still brought up his exes and I know most men don’t care about previous relationships but I had a feeling that this one might be different. He admitted that he’s not really using the washroom – this had to have been a shot in the park. “How did you know, he says, I’ve never had a lady guess so much into my personal life and actually get it right!” “Jason, I don’t think I like this, I’m not here to be in your life if you’re so bizarre about all of this. I mean most people move on from exes, you are on the other hand making phone calls to them while we're on this date! A date should be a happy experience of the love two people share and now I feel like you don’t even want to have a date with me right now. Why are you doing all of this anyway, because I mean, if you want me here on this date, you have to stop running to the bathroom to tell them about us or whatever is going on in your conversations with them. I mean you seem really distressed and I feel like I am giving you anxiety, given clearly by your reactions and things you’re doing right now.” He holds my hand and he says, “Lady, you are the most beautiful creature I have ever beheld and I want you to be my girlfriend.” That’s it, that’s all he said and I believed him!

end of section

I don’t know for sure, but I think this guy was being sincere, like he wanted me to sit there with him! I left before him and I didn’t leave him thinking that he had a date for sure, but you know as a woman my mind was thinking about how much of a ‘yes’ it was from the moment we met! I don’t think hes too much older than me, that we could get along – we both have quiet spirits and a zest for life, loving and caring for one another in the same way. But I didn’t know who he was and where he came from, I just saw a pleasant looking and attractive man, quietly working on whatever he was doing and taking an interest in me and my life at the very last minute. So I guess he was a yes in my books but I have been so disappointed by men before and I didn’t want to bring that into our conversation at that point! I just wanted to enjoy my new experience with this man without being bombarded by that past! I’m over it.

man at the coffee shop

I went home that night and kept thinking about the man I met at the coffee shop, THE Starbucks coffee shop! He kind of caught me off guard and I didn’t think he was very welcoming at first! I mean he just sat there, bundled up in his coffee and did not pay me any attention. You know what my roommate says to that: “Guys like that are useless. They play along and try to act, to see what you’re like, think through whether they’d want you and then keep you hooked at the last minute.” And this is exactly what happened that night. He sort of played it cool and looked up at me here and there and because of that I thought it was over. He was so embarrassed looking though. I have never written anyone or told anyone how it went that day. That will tell you how much I wanted to keep it a secret. But this seems like the perfect moment to say now. Why was he so embarrassed that day? I wasn’t, I was just really nervous. Nervous for a new chapter that may never happen. I actually didn’t intend to see him, I went to another starbucks and because there were no seats, I went to this other one. And there was my prince charming. Talk about destiny, and finding someone there that you could make a future with (I didn’t know it yet), without even meaning to do so. But heaven is on your side and enabling something to happen that is out of your control. So I just lifted my head when I could and not look at him too obviously. I was simply working on my articles and he was also doing some work for something, which I did not ask him about. My feeling was I don’t know if there is another girl around and if he's in love with her. It would then be embarrassing to get myself with someone like that, so as I sat there I didn’t say anything. He would have to start the conversation and if you remember he invited me out somewhere. As I walked away that day he kept looking at me and as I got further and further away from him his invitation stood deep in my heart and I wondered if I should do it! I think my roommate has been through a lot of relationships but I don’t think she’s necessarily right about this advice. Maybe she has met some troublesome men that have hurt her, and she has every right to feel this about men like that, ones that are bad at expressing themselves about their romantic feelings. But this guy made the effort, took the time and he reached out so as not to lose me, to not regret a decision to stay silent. His every effort to do that did not go unnoticed! I reciprocated his feelings even though I did not make them obvious. And that’s what makes the interaction promising, the fact that he continued asking me to a date despite having little evidence that I would say yes! It shows his deep affection for me.

writing in Taiwan

“Sometimes I love my job and sometimes I hate it,” I thought. Then my co-worker Rebekah came to see me at my desk. “What are you twiddling your thumbs for?” she asked. “I just don’t know why I always struggle sometimes?” I said, “it seems that the harder I try, the more I miss.” “Listen girl, how long have you been here and you are already getting down about yourself!??" “I’ve been here more than fifteen years and I always believe I can write better, be cooler and catch more attention of different audiences. To me, it's not how I failed or what people think about me and my writing. We are all learning, it’s going to happen to us, we won't measure up to everyone’s standards! But if I keep focusing on my failures, I never would have travelled and brought myself here from Taiwan. You see, I had been living there for four years and everything was going well except I could never see eye to eye with the bosses I had. One said I couldn’t write, the other that she can't communicate with me! I just didn’t like the way they deal with their workers! I mean, a little appreciation would have been appreciated. But one day, after doing it for that long, I realized that I could do better, I could communicate and my boss communicate with me. It’s not that im super gifted and people can see that, or not see that, it's that I believe in myself that I am a good, a great writer, and that I can overcome every bit of a hurdle! So you can’t get down on yourself and believe what everyone says about you, especially those that look down on you; because then you’ll never get up and start over. Don’t let this setback with the play article dictate how you are going to live your life! If you let it, every time you have this obstacle, especially one similar, you’re going to be giving up, telling yourself that you can't do it and will never start over to try!” “I know all that, I’ve heard it from the boss, my parents, my sisters and brothers, they all say I can do it and that I have the tenacity to overcome it, but the one person that doesn’t believe in all that stuff is me. I don’t have the confidence to keep going at this sometimes, it's hard for me to stand up against a battle and overcome the problems, look past what the critics say and just prove them wrong. When people say to me that doing what someone says I can’t do, is the best revenge, I just ignore it because I know I'll never do it, I don’t have the strength to fight it!” “You can do it and that’s why you’re here because you have to and it just takes a little faith that you have to choose.” And she walked away and I went on researching for another story to be published tomorrow.

the article

That was the end of that conversation! Sandra didn’t know what else to say except to reiterate what she had just said to me! “She was right” I thought. What is apparent with critics is that they are always criticizing from their standpoint. Although right, I found the actor very mean and rude to be talking so harshly with me; sure, he was frustrated and I understand that but people do not have to take their aggression from the past out on me. After talking to my roommate, I was determined to do better. I could write an amazing article and prove him wrong, that I actually can turn things around and present a very interesting and relevant article! It was my dream since I was a child, to write, to write lots of information about life, the world and how I feel about it and this was my opportunity to turn it around. This was just one hurdle I had to overcome and I knew I could. That article was done but I could represent this company in a very positive way by showing the University just how talented I was. Writing about a play was going to be available to me down the road and while I waited for that, I would get to work the next morning on something else! Sitting at my desk the next morning, my pen and paper to jot down my ideas was on my right and my fingers were busy typing on the computer! “A man meets a girl in Central Park and relationship develops through the help of their dogs.” This was the title of my next project! Two people, a woman and a man, who love enjoying the outdoors and walking, find themselves talking on a bench, having discussions about their dogs. Bases on the research I gathered, it sounded like the pair had similarities between each other as well. They both loved cooking, different cultures, and activities like swimming, skating and enjoying the wilderness, the outdoors! Walking up to each other at the park, as both were walking their dogs, they saw the bench on which they both would sit. “Oh hello,” said the man named Ben, “how are you doing today, I just noticed you sitting here and I needed a rest too, so if you don’t mind…”. “Not at all,” said the lady named Serena. “This is Emma, what is your dog's name?” said the lady. “He happens to be Rover.” And the pair talked repeatedly about all they could about their dogs and each other and soon found they were a lot alike. They were single, living on their own, and looking for a life with which they could enjoy their dogs while still enjoying life as a couple. He was a vet, she was a teacher. Their lives just seemed to complement each other and since they were talking and getting along so well, she was determined to give it a try! “I would love to get to know you more over supper,” she said, after he asked her on a date and soon enough he was holding her hand and meeting her for supper that evening!"

the article

So I was writing about a play that went on at the university! It was about two lovers that find each other in the end, but that have these struggles they have to go through in order to keep their love alive! Well I was so focused on the story being told - the plot, the characters, the setting or where it was taking place that I forgot about other things. “Well what’s his problem with that? I mean it seems really justified that you would write about them. Those all seem to be important things that you could write about." "He was complaining about writers of plays in the school newspaper before me as well a myself because he felt these reviews of plays were not correctly written! He said that writers of plays in the paper should have something meaningful to write about other than what’s going on in the play, perhaps why the love relationship in the play is carrying on for so long or the significance of the setting props on the stage, or the plot development of the love affair and how this complements the love relationship! I mean, it’s like an essay, you’re expected to go above and beyond the obvious nature of the story, and not what is obvious on stage but to look more into the story that will answer questions like why something occurred, as it relates to the story, namely the relationship, in this case. “Oh, I see” she says, “that stuff is way beyond me. I can talk about the plot of the love affair and stuff that is insanely obvious, but don’t ask me about underlying thematic discourses about a play." I got a little chuckle out of that. "I know that lots of people can’t do what I do, but the critic whose the actor really got under my skin, and now I don’t like him or the play, and I feel like giving it all up! "Don’t get yourself down about it! You’re amazingly smart and intelligent, you can come up with ideas to write about better than anyone I know! NO one is like you, not even me and I consider myself to be smart too. I know when a person is successful and when they are not and you just have this vibe, this aura about you that people are drawn to." "I know, but im dreading what the boss is going to say, whether or not he will tell me that im not good enough or ask why he hired me and will guilt trip me like he always does! But I knew this was going to be a gamble, a big risk, im not artsy at all and I am always like this when I AM DOING SOMETHING FOR THE FIRST TIME. I tend to just look at the story from my point of view. I don’t see the story from the perspective of anyone but myself, what I know and unfortunately I hate taking risks so I end up writing about basic truths and ideas. I guess that’s exactly what the critic is challenging me to do – write from outside the box because learning something different through writing is always a good choice and a more interesting reason to read it.

Article rejection

So off I went to my apartment where my roommate was waiting for me for a girl’s night out. We had an apartment in New York, just down the street from central park. On this particular night, skies were clear and we were set to go to a restaurant, one of our favorites! Everything was as calm as could be, no one in sight except for those eating at our favourite restaurant, TGIFs! It was packed with people conversing of the night being a day before the work week coming upon them! Others couldn’t wait to go to the dance club or bar to ensure that most memories could be made in a night they would forget for years to come. We were just there to have a bite to eat and there is no harm in wanting to do that. So as we came upon our seat and our waitress approached us after a few minutes of deciding what to eat, I was ordering a chicken dish, my favourite, smothered in cheese with potato and bell papers also with cheese. And as I was eating it, we broke out in conversation. “How was your day at work,” my roommate asked. “Oh it was good, the usual writing about New York’s art scene, what you would see in the art gallery!” “Oh that’s so cool.” Sandy said. “I wish my job was more interesting like that. I stood up at the front of a classroom today, telling the kids that they need to have their math homework written down as there is a quiz on Monday. So fun!!” “Sandra, my job isn’t everything people make it out to be! I researched on some of the artwork in the exhibit but most importantly, I got feedback about a written article detailing the outcome of a play being held at the University. They said the article for this was a lot like the others. The reviewer, who happened to be one of the play’s long time actors, totally bashed me for how I wrote it!” “I hate this,” I thought. “A lot like the others? What was that suppose to mean? I wasn’t good enough for him, and I was average, being just like the other writers before me. I wanted to be unique, stand out, and able to write better than anyone out there. Seriously, my goal has always been to be the best and this was certainly not starting to feel that way at all. I was a great writer by the time I left University to come here. I had mad skills. Why couldn’t I muster up the courage to write a better article? How would I write it? It just wasn’t fair, he didn’t even talk about the inclusivity of writing about all the characters in the play. You can tell my thoughts were so negative! But I already felt like quitting, taking all my stuff and heading back home to Canada.” “Well what happened, Sarah, what did this actor say!!??”

coffee meeting

But as I have told you, I had nothing in my life that could prepare me for this! I sat down in my spot next to a man who would take my spot and I went up to ask him what he was up to and if I could sit down,… He said, “have a seat.” I love it when men ask me to sit down, you know, it's kind of a very nice way of saying they want and accept you so I thought that was a very nice gesture. He was holding a newspaper detailing the current events of the world like terrorist attacks, the controversial balloting of the US elections and all the ways and endeavours by which women are still trying to overcome men in the business world that they should get equal pay for equal work. So I brought up that he was reading this and he just saying “uh hu” and “uh huh,” he didn’t really care I guess. But as I was taking my last sip I guess he noticed because he asked for my name and said, “maybe I'll see you back here one day! I am always here. I’m sorry I wasn’t much company today." “That’s okay” I said, “I just sort of invite myself over here because this is where I usually sit. And I saw you sitting there and so that is why I came up to you.” “Oh well I always sit here too so I guess we can call it a date today and another time, next time I see you.” “Oh I don’t go on dates at Starbucks.” “Why not?” said the man, “it’s fun times.” “I guess so, I just got out of a breakup and I don’t want a date right now.” “Okay well, if you change your mind, meet me tomorrow at this time, will you be free?” And I walked away. I love it when men are persistent, even when I’m not but that is a man’s prerogative. They're suppose to be the go-getters, the chasers, they love the conquest of a woman, which I actually don’t think is a problem, because it means they want you and are willing to fight in a battle for me. The battle for your heart, so I usually just do what I feel. If I'm feeling down, discouraged about a man, I just act like myself and if they truly want me they’ll keep pursuing me, no matter what I do. I feel like men are suppose to lead and women follow. I know there a few feminists out there that don’t agree but look at me from my perspective, men carry the weight of the relationship, when things are tough, they life you up and bring you to a place of peace and serenity when you follow. And that’s what I love about him. I didn’t say anything back because after the first meeting with him, I could feel myself desiring and wanting him but I just wasn’t sure, he sort acted like he didn’t care at first so I thought I would just give him another chance to prove his affection and desire for me. But I knew he's everything.

coffee shop lesson

So as I stepped into New York, there was nothing I had prepared enough to take on the job I was to do there. As I stepped into the coffee shop, I didn’t know it but my world would change for the better. Everything seemed quite normal, when you walk into Starbucks at any location. There was a man sitting around the corner talking to a young little girl that looked like his daughter. What was he saying to her? I don’t know but perhaps they were talking about her classmates who bully her and her dad is the only one in her life where she feels love and care for her. As I looked beside the door, walking in, there were two gentlemen in black suits and immediately one knows what they might be conversing about! Perhaps the company they work for is advancing so far that their paychecks are going to go up while the lady in a scruffy old jacket is holding onto her cup of hot chocolate which cost her the last of the change in her bank account. Then there's, you know, normal women-type relationships, discussing family and how much joy there is in the world to watch their little girls and boys grow up to achieve in life. Do you ever do that? Do you ever Go somewhere and wonder what all these people are doing with their lives? I do. Maybe it’s the writing in me, maybe it’s the wonder of it all, the curiosity god always gives me wherever I go. Wouldn’t life be dull and unchallenging and not fun at all to be secluded in my little writing and reading bubble! I GUESS im granted these gifts to share my story. So here I was in a big city curious as to what the world thinks about and how either fortunate or unfortunate life can be. Because in the midst of the chaos, like the woman whose head was shaved and probably had cancer, we don’t really care about her, do we? This may be her last chance to enter a coffee shop, but we take that coffee or hot chocolate for granted, even the holding of what represented the last of the one lady's change. AT LEAST SHE STILL CAN LIVE. BUT I JUST WONDER, DO THESE PEOPLE, MAKING LOTS OF MONEY AND WHOM HAVE LOTS OF LOVE, CARE THE WAY THAT DAD CONSOLES HIS DAUGHTER. I don’t know about you, but that ain’t right; we’re more focused on those dear to us like the women and their precious big children growing up and especially the millionaires making their money. Is there something wrong with this picture!? I think there is. It’s not like I don’t struggle with this too, I mean here I am picking up my Starbucks just so I can join the club - I am defined, loved and accepted by the fact that im addicted to the status quo Starbucks brand but this is such a societal wrong because it’s not about the cup, it’s about our hearts being connected to each other in a coffee shop. So I walk up to the counter where the lady takes my order and I wait patiently on the other side!

goodbye robert

Next, I just felt like it was time to move on from this. I was being ridiculed and looking like the fool, his heart in my hand and the blood of all the mistakes I had made against him before my eyes. I ran up to my room and cried. I felt alone, abandoned and secluded from him and his life! But for now, let me take you back to the first time in which he was to find out that I loved him, I was sorry but still not ready to date him. I saw him one day in the same coffee shop where we met in Edmonton, he was staring at me as he usually does. This was subsequently happening after meeting him on the bus. I knew I had to keep it together, act cool and not do anything drastic so I simply went up to him. I couldn’t believe I was standing in his presence, having a conversation with him as we talked about an upcoming book contest that was happening for Canada Reads. Now I had always thought he was prestigious, having lots of things I don't have, going into medicine and looking as handsome as ever! So I was surprised when he asked me about the contest as though he knew nothing about it! “So what is that?” he asks. I answered, “oh, its just a book contest and they review the books, determining who wins. It's nice that it's Canadian.” That led into talking about other things that I really like to do around the city, and the next thing I brought up was that I wanted to get some musical theatre experience there in Edmonton. He asked me to sit down for a bit. I was about to have a very integral conversation about what would be happening now. “Sarah, Im leaving for a bit.” “Oh”. At this time, I didn’t expect this because I was all wrapped up in how amazing it felt to be near him, to experience life with him – it felt so good! “ya, im taking off so I can clear my head for a bit!” “Oh? Is everything okay?! What are you clearing your head of?” “Well- I’m going off with a…” We would never finish the conversation. He would “take off and clear his head,” I thought. I was so nervous to hear of WHAT WAS GOING TO COME NEXT. “A girl? So there was a possible chance that I was being rejected?!” I thought in my head. Gulp. Bad sigh. The phone rang at that last moment and he said goodbye. I was so confused, I didn’t know everything! I left right away of embarrassment. But my fight was not over. I had every bit of faith that this was going to turn around. Not because of me but because I know he loves me and there was a purpose in all of this. I told myself I wouldn’t cry over another man but this one was different. We have a destiny connection, one that will join us together and any opposition will not prevail!

amy meeting followup

Its funny because youd think in times like these that he would have left me. I mean why is he doing all these things for me? Ive never had a man pursue me to that degree. And now on a bus? When you realize a man like John in all his characteristics loves you, wants you and is willing to admit he was wrong or is simply just looking for your forgiveness, acceptance and love - now that is what I call true love. He has gone to all four corners of the earth for me. He goes with Michelle, he breaks up with her, he comes back to me and is asking for my hand. But unfortunately fear had got the better of me. It was still all new though. I just felt like it was time to to find out more about John. Now that im writing this 8 years since meeting him in Edmonton, I think I was a fool to leave him behind on the bus. But I still wasn’t ready. I just wanted to see him, gaze upon him and most of all, remember that he loves me, is doing this for me and is sorry about all the hurt and pain. But as I saw him, I didn’t care about that anymore, I finally forgave him and wanted him back in my life. “I wish I could go back to that day, Amy and at least say hi, but I was so worried he'd ignore me again, be asked not to talk to me.” The tears started to flow like crazy. “Its just that I love him so much. I've had so many opportunities to leave and I have never taken that route” “But Sarah he's married, why do you care so much about him, don’t you realize that that is wrong?!” “Hun, he was mine, he loved me and although I have no proof, I know that he did.” This statement was just not working out for me to turn people over to my side and support me on this journey. This is what makes it so hard, I don’t trust anyone because it is so hard to say your true feelings. I get shut down even by Amy, who once consoled me for being in love with him earlier in the story. Amy goes on, “My parents got a divorce and now im just concerned for you that you'll never get over him. You don't want to be left alone, do you? One day he’ll have kids, keep posting couple pictures and your heart will break into little bity pieces, you'll have nothing but a memory of him and that will break your heart. At least, go see a psychologist.” That’s what they all say (I say that for real) – go talk to a professional! Well for your information my parents didn’t even force me into that – I asked them to not try and force me and they said “we do not want to do that to you.” Well, that was the last time I saw her, because I was not feeding my faith with her anymore, I was only encouraged to let go, but that was not going to happen as long as he keeps holding onto me and I keep holding onto him. She said she had a similar situation in which a man left her and he would not return her emails, just like me.

our love life started

So when I was in love with him, after a few of these amazing encounters, I knew he was the one. This was really the start of our love life. It was obvious it was reciprocated, it was apparent that I wasn't alone. All my fears had been relieved, my doubts cast to the ground of the bus we were both driving on. You can imagine now, seeing how much I loved him and wanted him, that leaving without very much information could make me mad and disappointed. I mean we had chemistry, tender-hearted love for each other! Michelle leaving with him, himself promising it would be nothing and that I wouldn’t be sad just sounded so naïve of him and disloyal to me! I’m not saying that he can't make his own decision, that he did not have the right to leave if he wanted it, I'm just saying it was all fabricated and if it is so that he wanted to do that to win my heart, then it should have been different than it was. First of all, it’s hurtful the way he did it! Leaving with another woman, and just letting me know what was going on is not what you do when you love a woman. He should have asked for my opinion, made me feel at ease and ready for it. Instead, he just took off and told me “what was going to happen!” So I saw him on the bus that one day! It was the most magical thing, I was on cloud nine when I saw him there. I was sitting down and he jumps on! Remember this was also the first time I had seen him in public since he left me three years ago in the house parking lot, where we had met at someone’s house for a church meeting. I was actually quite resolved to accept him, I wasn’t mad, maybe I could have forgiven him more because I was still kind of disappointed in what he had done. But when I saw him, all those worries disappeared. Seeing him was like a breath of fresh air. He pulled out his backpack and hugged it. What do you think that means? It means he was showing me that they truly were just having fun and we were all on this adventure. I sighed a big sigh inside of relief and many years of hoping had been quieted inside of me. I know what you are thinking, that I'm crazy, I didn’t say anything to him, I didn’t talk to him, I just left saying, “thank you.” How could I be so senseless or have no brain at all to let a guy go like that, whom I profess to love so much that I'm angry about his decisions with Michelle, that after three years and all the garbage that came with it, I still love him! You’re crazy girl! But my heart was racing, my feet were shaking, you know the way women lift up their boots when they’re not really impressed with their love's behaviour, which for me meant that, yes, I was a little upset and that he better get this right! I loved him so much then and the way I felt was that I was sitting on the same moving vehicle as him, that I was so close to him, to see his hair, face and tall, slim body. Don’t worry babe, I love you, I was saying to him, I hear you and we will soon be as one. I was simply sitting and standing on the ground of two Christian people who are going to get married one day. I love him to the moon.

love each other

So off we went from the hospital as dad picked us up. I just want the reader and viewer to know that not only do I care about my mom, but I was looking for validation and support from someone, anyone, about my mom. That’s why John was there. I know that women have different reasons for falling in love, though looks and let's say loyalty and faithfulness are good reasons as well. I mean, having a good and fulfilling relationship WITH THE WOMAN WHO GAVE YOU BIRTH is a great goal. Mom wasn’t always there for me, as a person who had ten years of depression, she was socially distant for years after it so I always felt something was missing but in this moment in history where this guy named John was there, I finally found myself connected to my mom but also loving this man for connecting me to my mom again! Maybe it has always been hard for me to love her, support her and be there for her. But in this moment, in which John was asking me questions about her, he was actually making me feel truly loved because someone cared about my relationship with her. Someone cared about something that felt close to my heart. And showed me what it felt like to be close to my mom, because he was right there with me conversing about her as though she were there with us. People don’t realize the depression makes you unavailable to those around you and they’re taking care of you! I’ve heard it so many times, that she couldn’t take care of us because her condition took all her energy to focus on herself. And when I say she was socially unavailable I think the illness kept coming back because I couldn’t have a relationship with her, she wouldn’t let me. But this moment with John made all the pain go away, all the years of rejection and neglect go away because I finally found someone who cared about her misfortunes and thereby made me feel safe in sharing her with him and about her. I guess its really important to me how I treat her and how others do as well. I guess she was the kind of mother that never smiled, when I would try to make conversation with her about how she was doing she would just say “im fine, sarah”. I wanted a friendship, love, connection and all the things I was looking for with John, things mom couldn't do or be for me. And that I received. John could do all of that. Maybe its okay for moms to be in such a hole that they can’t get out of it until later. Maybe years of healing and restoration was needed for me to realize that she needed her space and time to herself before she could make time for me. And I know I’m still depending on a person for happiness in saying that, but I just don’t buy the notion that you don’t find peace and love and connection with people, you have to find it in yourself first. I think that’s a universal lie that we are lying to ourselves because we were given each other to love, connect and support each other. We are designed for each other, not for ourselves.

moms okay

She continues. “So when she came out of the operating room, I was so excited to tell her the news. I saw them bring a mobile bed to her room, as I was waiting there for her. What was I to do?! Contain my excitement, overflowing with anticipation and anxiousness to tell my mother. Her face was completely yellow and as I waited for her to open her eyes, I was so relieved. Well, I knew that she was finally alive once her eyes were open and that was when I told the news coming from the surgeon. I can't tell you how relieved I was that this was all over and that my mom was fine. I mean, we went from entering the hospital and not knowing what would surface in her ovaries, looking at the foothills, Calgary hospital to sitting down and balling out our eyeball, and finally to this major sigh at the relief that the cancer was all cleaned out!" John was sitting there eyes glued to me. I could not be sure if he was glued to the story or my boobs (I’ve seen him look once or twice). He says, “I know, it's heartbreaking sometimes because you hope for the best. There’s actual relief that that hope is the bridge between your faith and your breakthrough because fear just wont leave you until your miracle happens." “Well, not exactly John,” I said, “God wants us to believe first and then see the outcome. That’s what faith is, believing in something that’s not there yet and if we are not believing and we just see the proof of it; if god gave us that all the time, the end result, we would never have uncertainty, or hope for a better future.” John held his tongue because he didn’t want to argue with me, since I was his future wife. “Yes, that’s what I meant to say!” “Well, so how is your mom now?” he’d say. “I mean has it been some time since this happened?" “Yes, it’s been about a year. I guess she just got lucky. But luck I don’t really believe in. That’s different than blessed of god. You see, if our friend Diane died after having two battles with cancer, and if she wasn’t spared than why would my mother? It could have been her that left us early. I’ve read books of moms dying in their fifties and this was happening for Diane but not now for my mom.” He went on. “Sometimes in life, bad things do happen to good people. People get paralyzed in freak accidents or get cancer, terminal illnesses, mental wellness illnesses and addictions manifest, leading to bad behaviours. You said you’re lucky and then you said you’re blessed but I think for some reason it's fate and destiny for your mom to still be alive, even though she could not have survived, let's say if the cyst had not been detected until later.” “Well ya,” I said. “My mom detected it on her stomach first. Then my dad encouraged her to see the doctor. Next the doctor turned her away saying it was nothing until she went back and really believed it wasn’t NOTHING. Thennnnn she went to the hospital that weekend! Why are doctors like this, it’s like you have to push them to do things, when they should be the ones getting their act together and finding out the problem instead of pushing it under the rug?”

mom

I was so nervous one day as I saw him sitting by himself at chapters. He looked so good. His hair slicked back and talking on the phone. He had the best smile but then he put down the phone as I came towards him. Obviously I wouldn’t have if he was busy on his phone. But as he gently put down the phone he looked so cute sitting by himself so I just went to get a drink and he was sitting close to me, I turned around and said “hi” to which he replied, “hi sarah, how are you doing?” I replied with “great”, because I wasn’t working this time, I was just here to see him really and my feeling was that if I could just see him, life would be better. That would be the last time I would see him sitting and he would be able to have a long conversation together with me because he would take off with Michelle after this. Anyway, he was telling me of his plans to be a doctor. I was really into this because I have a father who is a chiropractor and my grandfather was a doctor too! It's just in my blood. I can't really explain why but when john told me he was applying to get into med school, I was so excited. I had always been into how doctors take care of other people. They treat problems with medication for illnesses, they talk to them about their problems, their job is just endless. “One day,” I told him, “my mom had a cyst in her stomach. My dad noticed it one day and the doctor sent her to the local big city to get it removed. She was really lucky. I had to go to the hospital with her, my dad had to work, and it was so emotional for my mom and I. This man came over and said he would be in the operating room with her. That was the very moment I realized what doctors really do, and my heart was touched by how much they do. We were both crying." myself because I was scared of the end result, I just didn’t know what was going to happen to my mom.” “And what happened to her? What was the outcome?” he asked. “Well I was sitting in the waiting room and I hadn’t heard from the surgeon yet. I wanted to hear the result, but I was just sitting there and I asked god to spare her life. I know all she had was a cyst but I was still concerned of the unknown, right!? Anyways, I got a call from the surgeon whom said “everything is normal and they got rid of both ovaries so as not to spread. Just in case!” “Well im glad everything is alright. I know that stuff can be kind of scary.” “Well yaaaaaaa,” I said. “That might just be an understatement. I haven’t always been super close with my mother, but I deeply care for her and I just get emotional in things like this because I just don’t want to lose her. She means so much to me. When we lost a friend to cancer I just knew it was a real thing and could happen to anyone. In the waiting room this is what I was thinking about, and moreover, I prayed that she would not have cancer.”

first date

When I met rob I had no idea it would go in the direction that it had gone. Handsome guy, tall and smart and ready for the world to tackle and full of passion to do all these things. Yes, he was the picturesque Man! So it seems to me that it would never happen. This brings to mind so many things that I was thinking but not only that, also what he was thinking. We both were going into it with one eye open and the other eye closed, kind of not really aware of what the other was doing. “Hi rob, its sarah bruckell, do you remember me? We used to go to school together!“ He didn’t remember so I had some explaining to do. ‘That’s ok,’ I thought. Men are sometimes oblivious to these things. But I loved him the minute we saw each other that day at Chapters. Wearing a green sweater and walking through my line to check out some books, I could see that he was beaming with light and a passion to learn and be the best man he could be. He was buying books that had to do with education, he had a job in this field! How smart he is, trying to better his intelligence with these books. 'Do men even do this?' I thought, and handing him his bag was a huge smile on my face saying, “Man, you have grown up to be an exceptional man. I love you indeed.” Did he feel the same for me, was he as looking forward to our next visit at Chapters? How was I going to find out? Maybe I could forget about him if things were different but he was reciprocating feelings all the time, when I would do something to show him my love, he would show his love as well. This was happening as soon as we met up until this very moment as I am writing this story. “Sarah, he said to me one day, how have you been, it's been a while?" I said I was okay. “Things have not really appeared to be in my favour. But I am excited and looking forward to the future. I was ACTUALLY that optimistic. I was on the market again and I was excited about that and my future in teaching young children. "How can I complain? I’m here in this beautiful big city and I am so excited to be sharing this day with you. It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon and I have some family here even, and I’m so glad we met here at the same time. It’s almost like fate that we have ended up here hey," I said, to which he replied, “Yes, it’s so good to see you. And actually," he said, "maybe we could do something more than meeting at the coffee shop this time, would you like to go to a restaurant for dinner some night?” My answer was yes and it was immediate, there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted this. We were off to a great start.

3 months

When I went to italy that year and I watched john go on the plane back home, I knew something new was going to happen. I could feel it in my bones. I was watching couples happy and content, holding hands and talking of wonderful times and memories they had had and their time spent here. “Were suppose to be engaged, getting married soon, and all we can do is fight about everything. Maybe we need some time apart. I want us to get married in a joyful mindset not as an obligation that we give into just because it’s the right thing to do. To me, our hearts have to be ready for it, wanting it and longing for it, and so happy in that and that is not how I feel. It’s like were forcing it and not forgiving each other. I know I’m holding onto the past, and not allowing my heart to love you” “Are you calling off the wedding? I mean, why are you complaining and talking about our engagement like it were some dead thing in the past that you don’t want to procede with?" “Because it does feel dead. From you leaving me with Michelle, trying to cover up all of that and walking into it blindly is to me not a good idea, you know? You guys left me and now I’m scarred for life and I don’t know how to get over it. I think maybe some time apart, not thinking about our engagement, marriage and relationship would help me. I’M NOT GIVING UP ON IT HONEY, IM JUST SAYING GIVE IT A FEW MONTHS.” “Okay but don’t give up on us, I love you and you are my fiancé. I want to be with you forever.” “Definitely honey. You too are still my love. I would never give up on us. You are not like other men before you. Yes, maybe I will always be sort of a wanderer but I will never give up on us. Listen, Dan and Joshua don’t compare to you. I had so much trouble with them, but when we have trouble, I surprisingly never leave you. You can call me names, talk about my weaknesses, never listen to me, always test me and I love you so much, these things always bring me back to you and harder than ever. I don’t want you to worry about us, I just want some space for a while. Going on this trip was suppose to bring us closer like we needed something like this because maybe we weren’t spending enough time together, enough at home but I feel like it has drawn us apart. So what I think I need is time away just like you did with Michelle in your own way! I’m not bringing that up to be a pest, to annoy the heck out of you. I want you to go home, spend time with your family, friends, and give me a few months? “Okay honey, I trust you and I hope we can be together again soon. Remember, our love will never fade, it is too strong for that!”