first discussion with Amy

It was a clean slate for me. This would be a new beginning, and I thought that meant another boyfriend, someone to move on with me. But I didnt know what to do anymore, John was the only man I ever met that I always had a strong connection to. Maybe that’s why I was willing to wait for him those 5 years. But my friend Amy, and this actually did happen in real life, told me she didn’t believe that he actually loved me. I broke down in tears one day in the early stages of their relationship, the two people who took off without me. I just kept saying “I know he loves me, I know I should wait.” She could have sat right there speaking the truth, that he’s left and that I should move on because obviously it was hurting me enough to cry, I was crying out REAL tears of fear, neglect, abandonment, doubt, lack of grace. I didn’t think I was worth it, like “why would he want to hear from me,” kind of thing. “Then why can’t you move on. He left, you’re crying over him, I would leave.” But I couldn’t. You see, Amy was so adamant about leaving him because she has the same thing happen to her. There was a man at church, a church I was also attending at first. They had sparks, Amy and Him, but he left and she told him in an email, “I hope all the best for you.” I guess she was seeing my situation with the same eyes. She thought he didn’t love me and I did not have ANY EVIDENCE THAT HE LOVED ME. I had no proof, just my heart and my determination to believe in him. As far as she and I could see, he decided on someone else and I should naturally just let go. “I can’t Amy,” I said. “I did not come all this way, know him for years, meet him here and let him go again just because he’s sworn to simply be vacationing with this long time friend named Sandra. See what I mean? All my labour will be in vain. I’ve done so much to get here and I’m not letting any woman take my place. I’m standing in the gap for him, fighting for him in thought, word and deed, to make sure I’m the only woman he loves.” I did not know it at the time but my prayers, my thoughts, my deeds, were standing to make sure that no one takes anything from him that belongs to me, including his body, mind and soul! So I told her I’ll be fine and thank you very much for not judging me because as much as I cry, I know its for him and he's for me! And I told her I know you mean good, have THE BEST OF INTENTIONS, but I’m going to be okay! I just needed a friend’s shoulder to cry on! "Take care" I said to her. And she dropped me home that day.

damn girl

When I was sitting next to this woman, I knew there was something mysterious about her. I never liked her, she’s seriously the kind of woman that was always that way with me. Poking into everyones business and though people like that I realized one night when she was talking to my man that this hate was being carried on a deeper level. She became not just a person that I had seen around at the salon, getting her hair done sometimes at the same time as me but that now she was entering the realm of my love affair with him. Im not going to sit here and let another girls urges interfere with mine. Like GIVE ME A BREAK, OVER MY DEAD BODY would I ever allow that! When she started doing this to him, her sweetness started to come out, and I was thinking, get out of here bitch, get off my man, or her sheer laughing and hysterical amusement of my past with him. Can you imagine me telling someone in confidence that I am in love with a man involved with another person (not with this girl) and it is almost immediately clear to that girl that she can laugh, act sweet to him and although I never told her not to, behave as though he was hers already when he was mine, clearly! This all happened at first in this hair salon! She was sitting down and I was ready to get up and a dialogue between us started! It was a “hey hello how are you doing, haven’t seen you in a while” kind of relationship. Flawless, priceless and something that I never thought would backfire, right? How could she, this woman I knew of that was now in front of my hair salon chair as becky did my hair now like for the umpteenth time and she all of a sudden, a church attender, was now standing before me as the person who would try to tear jon and I apart. You never know how much you will bleed, how much pain this involves, how much another woman loving your man, your future, your husband, can take a toll on you!! Im not writing this to give her the recognition she is seeking, im writing it to put my voice out there, to tell other people, namely younger women just how dangerous girls like this are and can steal from them, and if you have lost your man to her, that that was sure a loss that you could have won. Now this is not about me, I will never lose to her, but if you have then I am truly sorry and think that I am here, writing this for you because someone else did not see the value that is you, to try and win your man! This book is definitely about me, it is my personal life, but it is much more so for that type of girl, beautiful, attractive, INSIDE AND OUT, but whom did not have the confidence, drive and know-how in dealing with a girl like her! You are beautiful, driven, you have countless talents and know that God has blessed you with these wonderful things with a purpose in mind, that you will crush your opposers with the excellence of a beautiful hand. May your prince charming manifest after reading this book! Love you guys!

the first meeting

You said youde be back in two months?? And now you want to prolong the distance between us? I thought you would come back to me and now you want to stay with Sandy. We had something wonderful and courageous I know, but we have sparks, we have true love, wouldn’t you want that over a whimsical decision to leave someone you actually love because I know that you love MEEEEEEE! I have been standing here in Edmonton on my own, you claim that you love me but your actions tell me otherwise that you do not care for me! If you actually cared, you wouldn’t have left me here. When I envisioned life with my love it did not go like this in my head, in my hope, dreams, you are my dream but I can’t just sit here waiting on a dream that will never come through because you cant let go of the woman in your life that you are lusting after because I know she is not your real life, because that’s me! ‘But I----' Let me finish. I have a question for you: Is there another woman this is covering up or something because I’m starting to get the idea that Sandy is not the real problem. You told me months ago this would happen, that it’s just a friendship and that I shouldn’t mind, worry or fret about it but if you are actually willing to be just friends with someone and you still are after two months, why would you want to prolong it with a friend except that you are hiding something else from me? Is there someone else involved?? "No" he says back to Sarah. "So you have no other relationship except this friendship with Sandy and the feelings you have for me!?" “That’s right," he says, “You need to start believing in me. I’ve told you many times this is not an affair, a lustful relationship or a future marriage. We’ve known each other for years and have been there for each other as well; and I guess I just feel like overwhelmed with everything right now and just need to get out of town. I promise you its nothing more than that and as soon as things shape up in my mind, I will come back and we can have a normal relationship together. Capiche?" “Okay. That’s a big relief. You have no idea how torturous it is to wait and watch a man leave the love of his life for someone else claiming to be just friends, away from her, in another place different from where she is!” “I know honey, but life throws curveballs here and there and its not like I’m trying to prove that Im unfaithful to you or that im going to let you down, but I am dealing with some personal issues which I shouldn’t discuss right now. Having another friend in my life does not diminish the love we have for each other.” "I get it," is her response.

the old lady

Where should we go today honey, I had such a hard day at work, at least for me it was! I WAS always thinking about you, always planning what I would say and do if I were to see you at work. I kept having these envisions of you at the hospital! I would attend to patient after patient, and although you were not there, I could see you in my mind, and not like a delusional thing, just a thought! On and on I would go, thinking of you, us on swings at a park where I would swing you, kiss you as I came towards you and with a huge smile on my face because I was with the woman of my dreams. And so we decided on a sandwich place and to be honest although these such places are such simple lunches, I always HAD AN APPETITE for them. This place in particular contained sandwiches for every meat lover, plus veggies that included bean sprouts, I mean what is not to love about that! Every customer in the line, hungry as could be, salivating for a sandwich to quench them. It was a bakery we went to and they have lounging seats we could sit on, so there were a few seniors and families sitting down already! So to explain a long story in a short piece of writing, I will say that I had seen these customers before and so I thought I might sit next to them as Jon and I had the appetite to eat right away. You’re not going to believe what happened as I asked the older ladies if I could have a seat. One lady abruptly said to me, “uh, actually, no because we are having a confidential conversation together and we would rather you not sit down!” “Can you believe this,” I said to Jon, whom looked at me the way he does when he convinces me to move on and not make a scene as I particularly love to do from time to time! As we walk away, I take our sandwiches and continue talking to my future husband! He thinks I’m out to lunch naturally and as usual. So I continue what I want to say. “Why did you just do that?” “Because honey, it’s not worth it. We can go somewhere else that is going to be much worth our time than sit down beside two stuck up ladies that are going to be making our stay real awkward. We would sit there eavesdropping on their conversation, which they don’t want, and feel seemingly weird that we're not even welcome there.” “Jon I’ve said a million times to them, I don’t care who disapproves of me. And that is so sweet of you to respect their request! But I don’t sit around here in town with a stuck up nose, I also don’t let people walk all over me, right?” “Babe, just leave it, you probably will never see this woman again, have you ever seen her?” “Well yes I have, she’s there lots, and you don’t see her whenever we go because she’s there during the week.” “Jon this is not about whether I want to sit beside an old lady, whether its awkward, too close to hear her story that she was trying to avoid us hearing, or anything like that. Rather, this is about a regular whom thinks she “owns the place” enough that she had the guts to tell me to practically “get lost”! I don’t think that’s fair or right, in my eyes!” To be continued…

romantic words

One day he was going to get something to eat together. It was a Friday night, ordering the same meal we got every time we went to this Italian Spaghetti restaurant! There were many couples around us, taking in the seafood pasta menu and taking various non-alcoholic beverages. “How did I get so lucky, I love you?” I said to him, my husband to be. To which he responded: “Love you more, babe, I love everything about you.” He never gives me much more than that response, a male trait I think, men say what they want to say, no explanations, detail or additional comments, just a simple, short, brief answer. Hahaha!! “Sarah, my wife, my beautiful wife, I have loved you since we met, from the very first glance you have been my light and my salvation. I could not go a day without you. You have given me peace and a joy that is never ending. For the longest time I thought I would never find love again and you have taken that all away. You have brought the sunshine back into my life. Now I wake up and smile and think about you all the time, everyday. Thank you for coming into my life and showing me what it is really like to feel, be and endure love. Now I know what true love is. It is endless, it is two souls joined together, forever, never leaving each other. Let me be the man that will love you forever, give you everything you need and all that you want! Be my wife and my wife only. He would go on tangents of expressing to me a man’s heart and soul, for the woman he loves which is me. Because Sandra had a big influence on him as his friend, I would still doubt that this was what he wanted now and forever. But as time went on (before his engagement to me), he slowly convinced me he would never go back to her and I would be the only romantic relationship he would have. This was the main reason I left him as he took off with her that one time years ago. I won’t go into that too much, but I want to say that step by step, as he was planting these thoughts and feelings in my heart and mind, I began to accept that this situation was really all about me. Every “I love you”, “you are my sunshine, my everything”, “you have taught me to realize never to take you for granted, always cherish and love you”, and that “you are the woman I want to marry, to be with me forever!” My response was always “yes” to him, he has a way of being able to convince me of whatever he feels and wants. I’m okay with that because it’s always about me which is not really a bad thing, after all, I want it to be all about me, I mean who wants to really feel like they are not a guy’s every attention and desire!

jon and i

I was literally so excited that this was happening for me, for us, but it also made me think of the past! As soon as I had got to New York I didn’t have anyone. I met a few guys and just didn’t click with them. One took me out to a meal and asked me if I was still interested in a second date, to which I said no. I had another boyfriend lasting maybe 2 weeks and another man took me out one night! As I reflect on these men and Im not really ashamed of this at all, I realize that (along with the shoppers guy) that I was searching for something. Aren’t we all!!?? Searching for love, a deeper purpose in life other than JUST myself and my career. But every relationship that pursued me in life was not the right fit, did not fulfill me and I felt like my path was being halted and did not exist for me so I took that as meaning that that was the wrong path to take. But Jon was there for me in absolutely everything. He held doors, and opened the car and paid for supper, did all the necessary gestures a man in love should do to his girlfriend and future fiancé, marriage partner. He is honestly so sweet and kind to me, asking me how im doing every day and telling me how much he loves the way I look, something I highly prize because no one else would ever tell me how good I look! When a man starts to do that to you, make you feel and look beautiful (which is possible because they tell you how beautiful you are and that makes you want to be the best version of your beauty!), you believe him. When you are told you are someone else’s better half, you start to believe that too! But it can’t stop there, you can have men tell you those things and you still feel like dirt shit because beauty is not enough. You must have compatibility, love and care all in one. It can not be just physical things, the way you look, how much money you make, your status in life! I felt like at this point in my life that love was more than being materialistic! It had to be showered with commitment- undying loyalty to a person, staying in one place, taking a stand and saying you will stay this way with me no matter what happens? This falls under the category of compatibility because you both have promised to do the same thing, and the only way to get along is to be committed. So off I went to central park with my boyfriend telling him ‘yes’. I did so because of his love and care that I have just mentioned exists between him and I. He cares about how I do in life (how much effort, success and what I need in life)! He always points out how wonderful life is with me. And he's very thankful, always very thankful!

the proposal

Back in time when we first met on the streets of New York, Jon and I had no idea what was to come. We were two souls meant for each other to meet, to cultivate values in our relationship and we were reaching out for each other to provide healing, strength and dignity for times before that needed it. But we weren’t just perfect human beings that found each other – we believed in destiny, that we were intentionally here, to meet and fall in love, and how deep was that love. We had similar interests and we were so in love, should we be married, just having love for each other seemed enough. We imagined having babies as we were dating for the first time in New York. We wanted a house and a nice church to attend, and this all happened within 3 months of dating! When I first met him he was walking into Starbucks and I was taking my hot chocolate from the counter when he walked up to me! Nerves going through my body, noticing this handsome and charming man, not to mention how respectful and honouring he was in his speech, I Introduced myself: “Hello, I’m Sarah.” “And let me introduce my self, Jon.” “And what do you have there, I love my coffee dark; double-double” “Well actually I’m not a great coffee drinker, but I do have a love for hot chocolate milk, and they seem to have the best, its so rich and thick with chocolate flavour.” “Wow you’re making it sound so appealing and I’ll have to try it out one time.” “Sure.” “So what do you do here in NYC?” “I’m a journalist for a local magazine publication!” “Who are you with?” “Well id rather not say but you must be a doctor with that uniform of yours!” “Indeed, I am.” And that conversation was the workings of a very successful relationship that would take shape. We would go on dates and look in each other’s eyes, him commenting on mine like all the time, myself saying how proud I am of his hard work! We would go to restaurants and watch movies in the theatre and take some nice calming walks at central park where tons of people and couples were doing the same thing! There was only 3 months left of my contract and I did not know if I was staying or going back to my country, and it turns out He is Canadian as well. But as we were walking and enjoying holding hand in hand, my feelings began to change about where I should live in the world and I was sure this was a man worth staying for! We got to a bench in the park and sat down from a pretty long walk! Suddenly, he got one one knee after 3 months of dating! He sat me on the bench and as he got on one knee, with hands over my mouth, I could not have asked for a greater, more joyous moment, the moment in time that changed my world and set my nerves on fire!

outline for new york

Where jon and sarah meet in new York – purpose being to bring us back to their early days and see how this has influenced their relationship now and in future, ie. Their love and commitment to each other. Is jon mature enough, will sarah still work well in a relationship with jon? Is love about compatibility or based on mutual affection and admiration of each other?? Shes doing journalistic work in new York Hes a doctor They start dating and going out to different functions to do fun things In the first three months they are very in love Something happens to break them apart: she meets his friend Sandra and though welcoming, Sarah is starting to feel secondary in his life, brings her back to days when a past bf also had a friend but she left really quickly- Sandra turns out different, she will not leave. This puts strain on sarah and jon’s relationship: who will he pick and what are all their feelings leading to? – at first she thinks this will not work but then jon says… When sarah is convinced it will not work..

shoppers drug mart

So off I went on my day off of work and these thoughts were going through my mind, thoughts of forgiveness and letting go, even though I knew I would have John back. When a woman is going through this, she feels defeated, ruined, like she messed up everything. I felt broken and helpless, like I could not do anything to correct the problem. This was the biggest problem, not in doing something about it which is why at this time I stayed in the city I was in, but not getting what I was looking for in John. I know I had to let go of the hurt. But I just couldn’t AND I couldn’t stop wondering, why did he leave me?? But my nature is and was very simple. I would always run away from my problems and if I got hurt, I would be angry and run away from the person that hurt me! I am sure that so many people out there can relate to this. I think the biggest problem was that I wanted him so bad. I left a person I did not love and I was looking for the next step to be with a man. This does not mean I was chasing him or men, I was quite contend to be on my own. And then you know the story, he met me at chapters and the story goes on. I was sitting at the same coffee shop where John and I had met. It was a bright sunny day in the summer. I loved going to Starbucks where they had the best hot chocolate to date I have ever tasted in the history of coffee shops. A gentleman came waltzing in and immediately his eyes met mine. And I will say that there is not one man including this one in present or in the past that ever struck me as being more handsome than my man. Anyways, he walks in and I just say my name and walk away. I was starting to feel like I was having validation from men that I am beautiful, that I’m worth their attention, I have value to them and that’s exactly what was happening. However, on the other side of the equation was this longing and I was missing my man. One night I put on some really sexy clothing and I saw him at the shoppers drug mart as he was leaving and he stopped to talk to me. In the moment, it felt amazing and as though he valued me, looking in my eyes and flattering me with talk about my outfit and how beautiful I was. “I should be happy,” I thought, to myself but I am not. I am a ship wrecked on the course of a body of water asking to be on land, about to drown if I do not find my way out of this mess of my life. It’s as though I am stuck and trying to get out but shore is way beyond the water ways. There is no one around to which I can call but I have to keep this boat travelling in the storm as best as I can. So I just walked away from him without an answer because I knew who was waiting for me.

I hv always wanted to be the trophy wife, beautiful and loving, caring for her husband. I’ve dreamt of long, hand-held nights walking along the crust of a walkway, surrounded by water in the strong, brisk night, looking into each others eyes taking in every breath, every moment, where you are here with me. I will walk there with you and gaze upon it’s beauty - love. It stands tall like the beauty of its face. I can not wait to hold it, grasp its intimate feeling and it’s closeness! In it I see love, I hear it and it cries out for more as your lips touch mine and I look in your eyes. I wanted it to be me a thousand times more, the way you touched my face, caressed me, and gazed upon my glistening face. I have always wanted to take you to a special place in my heart! To take care of you making sure you had the meals only you wanted! I would start preparing supper and you would be there asking me what was for dinner! I would say lusciously that it is your favourite whatever that may be, come and taste of the feast I would prepare! Only me your wife would treat you this way, wanting to give to you the touch of my hands through the blessing of feeding you, in a way that only I can fulfill, administer for you. And as your tummy grumbles at the thought the sight the experience of seeing me cook your favourite meal, your hands would pour upon me my great favour for you love the feel and shape of me in ways only you n I share! Honey taste of my youthful goodness. Be the light that I am so very attracted to and come into me. There you will find solace and sweetness, only you can see and touch. I have kept this hidden for years from other suitors to taste the goodness of the lord and our love! Many nights I have tossed and turned longing for it! Come touch me and show me your affection, like the new lilac blossoms beckoning for you and I to share in such lovely embrace! You are mine and I am yours! Love your wife Sarah

the reason why

When he was gone for some time, I was left to my own imagination as to when he would come back, everyone telling me that he was with Michelle and advising me that he was moving on. His facebook profile would declare to me that I did not have a chance with him. But I was stronger than that, more fierce than that, never letting go until the right time in which I would face him. However, I would not look like a desperate lover (there is nothing to prove that we are lovers). I would hold on to him the way he promised he would as well, in his gestures, in his promise, in his hellos and goodbyes in every departure and in every entrance back into his life. Do you think that after all these years that I would let go? And I never thought it would come to this, seriously. I just want to say that I never thought he would do this to me, that he would not only leave me but break his promise and get married to Michelle. Now prior to all of this happening, in this big huge drama, at a time when they, Michelle and John were dating, I understood where my heart was one day when I listened to the radio. This time, love was reflected in the forgiveness, courage and absolute dedication that a woman was professing to a man. She had endured days of weeping, crying, hoping things would turn around, much like what I was going through at this time! For me, my beloved was with another woman. How devastating this was for me! The long and short of it is that he left with another woman at first and came back to her, apologizing, professing his love for her, and wanting her back. I’m not blaming him, im not sympathizing with her over him, I just knew in my heart that if John is doing the exact same thing to me, the answer would be a big, fat no from me. Why? Why would I reject him at this point for taking off with a friend like that and then coming back to me at his own convenience. Well because, that woman on the radio had forgiven him and I was determined not to do the same if I had the same circumstances of weeping over a man I loved admired and cherished. Not only that, he leaves the woman he comes back to for another one, loving her, wanting her and expressing his love to her- so there was definite, real, sincere love going on here. Who wants to feel like second-best, a man’s pride, deceit and arrogance because another woman had different and competing traits that he seems to like better for a time. Why would I want this? I would never allow myself to be the recipient of a man’s love who left one woman, only to be misled by his own indiscretion and realizing he was actually going back to his bride. With me?? Women do not want to feel like they are second best but valuable in the eyes of one man and not another.

an argument

So before we said goodbye, I asked John a few questions and off he went! “Yes honey, if you want to explore more go ahead, though I am going to miss you.” John is a doctor and that will keep him busy while I am gone. “Your family’s doing good then honey, I miss them so much.” “Sarah, you know how they are, they sit around eating Italian food, work, hang out with friends and family! Those are all our values and so that is how they are." “You don’t have to be defensive and upset! I’m simply asking how they are doing. You are always like this, whenever I ask about them. What are you so upset about?! That I’m not coming with you; like deep down in your heart of hearts what is causing you to act this way?! I’m simply now a fiancé caring about your family and asking for an explanation.” “Sarah, I am a little agitated with you. It just seems like it’s all about you. We just got engaged and I’m happy about that but I am always catering to you! For once could you just be happy with us, with who we are. We’ve had this lovely time and you are wanting to stay longer! And as nice as it is, you still want to know if my family is well as if they are not already!” “The family? I don’t understand since I am simply asking as a kind gesture to want to find out that they are well” “It bothers me because you’re not coming with me, you’re asking about them, but if you would be just content, knowing that we’ve had a lovely time, and you wouldn’t even have to ask because you would be with me!” “John, it’s just a few days more, it’s not going to hurt us financially. Your family are fine without me there and so are you.” “Oh so you’re going to flip this on me and place the blame on me. I am hurt because this is the real you, who you are. You always want to put the spotlight on yourself. Just come with me baby, and everything will be alright. We’ll cancel the flight you were going to take, the place you're staying at, and we will be all happy and smiles. I always support you, I just want us to be together, I do not want to be apart anymore. Please come with me. Do you understand and agree with me?” “Well when you put it that way, why not? I am so easily convinced with you. I don’t want you to think it’s all about me, and we just got engaged, so I do not want you to be mad at me. I’m just interested in taking a last look.” “Well if that’s what you want and you’re not avoiding me, fine, but I still think we should go! Let’s tell everyone about our engagement and have some fun with it! Would you like to have an engagement party, because everyone is going to celebrate with us. You see, its not about all this stuff you see here, it's about us, humans, love between each other, commitment and having a great time together. THERE WILL BE MANY MORE TIMES TO COME!” “Okay," I said, "when you spill it out that way,... I’ll come!” “We love each other, let’s not put it off any longer. Time to celebrate with other people and not just ourselves.”

the dinner and gondola ride

So as we were finishing up our supper that we just had at the restaurant, John and I were getting ready to take our tour bus to the gondola area. We board the bus and when we got off of it, we go where we had already discussed with the tour guide. The water was beaming like as though there was gods own hands calming the storm at sea! I have to say that when we are back home, I often see the stillness in a little lake that we often walk to, and so this calmed my heart and soul as it took me back, but also beautiful here, to my hometown! There was a boat sitting on the canal, waiting for us as he started to serenade us with song! We get into the boat, we sit on comfortable seats, and the gondola takes off! Very bright colored and light colored homes are all around us, including apartments, and I point them out as we keep going, saying, “Oh honey, look at this one, look at that one.” “sit down he says, you’re going to hurt yourself!” When suddenly, as he grabbed my hand to sit down, saying, “honey, you are the light of my life.” “Yes i know jon, we have been together many years!” “NO, honey, you don’t understand!” “I look at him now as he kneels on both knees (otherwise he would fall using only one knee), as he continues, this time I am listening to him, “Like I was saying my love, I love you, you are my light, my strength and everything that I could currently need in life. And I hope i can make you say yes to me because I would love for you to be my bride, my wife, the love of my life!” Then, he pulls out the ring. As I start to cry, he’s smiling at me as I say, “yes honey, yes!” He puts on this big rock of a ring, everything I’ve ever wanted, a round stone covered in diamonds around it, the band was made of 18k white gold. We were both smiling and both having a great time as I stretched out my hand to the man driving the gondola, to which he said, “Ah, beautiful” (in Italian language)! I got to say I was not expecting such a surprise, we had that argument (discussion) yesterday and it kind of put me in a bad mood, but my then boyfriend and fiancé now, has proposed to me and I have got to say it can not be any better than this now! I got to say, he also is my everything, I love everything about him--hes strong, faithful and always there me. I think he’s just a little pushy sometimes but perhaps that’s just one little sacrifice I have to deal with! I really like a man that is a go-getter, he goes after what he wants, just like my other boyfriend, but this time be just does that a bit more!

a night out!

“I am not here to discuss it further, you seem to have a different opinion than me. I don’t need to see extravagance, I’m a simple person, pizzas and grapes and wine bottles that yes I can get elsewhere are the basis for my excitement.” When suddenly the tour guide was ready to take us on a bus to see the very many sides of Italy. We passed by churches as we crossed through the architectural side of Venice! There were about 25-30 people that were on that bus. We met Mary from England, a Scott from Scotland and a lady from Rome who was here to help with the tour guiding named Francesca. She is a very respectful lady and had a lot of knowledge of course of the region in Venice. When we got to the gondola part of the tour, which was just slightly on its way to a restaurant where we would mingle and get to know the tour guides, we stopped to view a couple who was travelling on it. Francesca said that man riding the gondola for them had been doing this for years. The song that he was singing is called “Volare.” He also had a musician playing the accordian, along with the singer. I asked the gondolier a question. He said, “Yes, I can”. Well we passed onto the restaurant where we were to meet all the members of our Italy/Greece trip. We were asked to sit down in the designated seats so John and I had ours. The tour guide gets up to the front to introduce himself as tour guide Victor. “Welcome, he says to everyone, “We are very glad you’re here. You are going to have the time of your life in areas you’ve never seen before and it is going to blow you away. We will save the details for when we get there to all the beautifcul places that you will see. For now, when I call your name, please stand up and introduce yourself or -selves if you are with your spouse or friend or family member! As John got up and introduced himself and his girlfriend to the crowd, all that Sandra could muster to think of was that this is my man and I am so blessed to have him! He says, “This is my lovely girlfriend Sandra. We come from Canada and we are very glad that we are in the heat,” teasing all the friend and families at home who enduring harsh Canada winter! As the other members were getting to stand up and discuss all relevant stories of themselves, John was thinking about the gondola ride right after supper that he was looking forward to being on, as he told me! “Now I don’t know why you're thinking of that now when we are having a relaxing and comfortable ride here, with the food and company we are currently having !” “Yes, honey," he says to me!

Venice with my husband

On the tour between Italy and Greece it was an extraordinary trip. As the tour bus finally got us to travel Venice, Rome and Florence, the Italian part of the trip, I was particularly interested in all the fantastic food choices we would be given. It came with 12 breakfasts, 12 hotel stays and I got to say this part of the trip is my favourite. Food is like an art and I am very excited to share it with you. We also admired historic churches, winding canals in Venice to start, and picture perfect piazzas in Venice, known as the queen of the Adriatic seas. As you can see we had ample time to complete our tour when my husband had joined me the last 7 days of the trip as I discussed already the owner of where I was staying, extended our stay another 5 days. As my husband and I were talking about our trip and what we most looked forward to, he said he would like to see all the ancient buildings and immediately I thought of the churches. “The St. Marks Basilica has very religious and public life significance. Many people mainly tourists come to view its splendour. It is also a testament to the wealth and power of the serene Republic of Venice,” I said to him! “What are you looking forward to doing Sandra?” “Probably the food. But I would start with the wineries. I love picking from the vines and gathering them to be crushed and finally made into wine.” "Honey, that’s so plain, everybody knows about that. What about the magnificent hills and valleys known to Italy?" "John, thats my favourite, what can I say? I love the process, I love transferring and using and modifying things into different stages as you can do with the making of wine. It’s not about the finished product for me, like wine and structures that you love (churches) and seeing a suberbly made pizza in its final stage. In my mind, what is most important is the steps, gathering the sauce, the cheese, the pepperoni that creates the final product, know what I mean?" Honey we can get pizza and wine at home, but to see architecture, made from years ago, especially with the Basilica which we saw first online with its beautiful half-circle formation on its top and its beautiful white color that surrounds it all over." "I get your point but I cherish things that are new to me, things I’ve never learnt. How am I suppose to take home a castle looking church, I never will and that make seeing it even more profound because I can not take it home. You can take home your fresh Italian wine and well a pizza, they’re all the same thus making it not so important. The history of the church, their wealth, their people, are all represented in that building; the people that made it, the hands that crafted it, the leaders that it is based on, are all very significant things!" said her husband!

a gondola ride

“So what brings you here”, the owner said, whose name was Peter. I’m sure you’re on vacation. "Well yes" I said I intend the next three months to be well worth the money. And what would you like to accomplish out of all the activities, history, grape vineyards and wineries, tours and restaurants to see. “Wowe,” I thought, this is the best place to get connected with if you want to abroad on a vacation! “Well yes, I have all the information you need for such a trip, including what I have already mentioned. I’ve got tourist pamphlet information, phone numbers and anything that needs a good word on what you would like to explore! "The good stuff, the bad stuff and the ugly!” “Can you help me out with the boats on the water?” “Oh yes, the most famous and most frequent travelled tourist spot in Venice. Every dream of every lady. A calmly ridden flat-bottomed boat along the soft spoken ripples of the water, which is accompanied by a man directing the travel of it, as he sings renditions of Italian song. A gondola ride amongst a canal.” “Well all that will have to wait for my husband when he gets here the last few days and I can take the boat with him. He’s going to hate me for making him wait three months only to be here three days.” “Why only three days, he’s most welcome here as long as he wants!” “Well, thank you, but this is my trip. But I suppose he’s welcome a few more days in the week.” “Most certainly, if you don’t mind, I can put him on the list and he will have plenty of time for visitation to any tourist attraction, my dear!” “ok, I‘ll discuss with him! I just thought it would be too late as I know you to be a very busy owner of your lodgings and so I did not think it possible at all!” “Very possible indeed!” “I have particular curiosity in the tour groups. He would love that for a day! He’s talked about touring Italy, especially where we are here in Tuscany, Cortona and some of the smaller little towns.” “Yes I have tons of information on that because almost everybody who comes through our country is interested. You can look up wineries that tend to be of the finest in the world obviously and which the grapes are used to make them here locally; and churches adorned with beautiful gold and dark colors as opposed to the not-so-famous lighter colors here. Darker blues, reds and some brighter ones as well. Rock and gravel are a common use on the outside of villas as this has been a trend since old times. You'll see in these villas that the back porch overlooks the vast and beautiful green hills of Italy that are so very common here. You could spend your days in the back there, reading, writing of its exquisite nature, talking with your spouse. I’m sure that you would love it!!”

the bed n breakfast

So off we went as the train travelled eastern to the maritime provinces of Canada! When I settled into my place as I arrived in Italy through an incoming airplane, I was met with so much excitement and enthusiasm for all the adventures I would take here over the next few months. I couldn’t wait to tell John and at the same time I was avoiding this conversation. He thinks it's going to be for a month. But I have never had this chance to get away on my own. It’s been about 6 years since we first started dating and I have never gone on an adventure quite like this one. So I take all my belongings and bring them to a lodging that I had already scheduled. Instead of just paying for rent and having the house to myself I ventured to live in a place where I could associate with others. So I found this place for rent where other people were boarding at a bed and breakfast! There are lots of these in Italy and Canada does have a few! Therefore, I knew the basic rules that encompassed staying at a bed and breakfast. Breakfast is at 7 am and if you want it please be on time, it will not be offered later. So I gathered all my stuff and would be staying here for the next few months. The owner was very generous to give me this much time, but there was another family that was staying that long as well so I hoped we would get to know each other very well on my trip. My room was decorated white everywhere, the walls, the bed sheets, the door, even the carpet and wall accessories like pictures and crocheting decorations. I have no idea why but this room felt like me and I immediately felt very at home. I mean this is the place I'll be living in so I better get comfortable I guess. There’s always something about a new place like a bed and breakfast that takes you to a place of luxury like this one. The bathroom was also very luxurious! Beautiful cream colored hand towels and other towels adorned the handles in the bathroom and I loved the counter tops and shower stall, that added a shine to it as both were locking my eyes upon this beautiful cream colored marble material! The owner needed me downstairs now to get the official tour! “Please don’t hesitate to use this room for anything you like,” he said, I was very happy about this part. I am looking forward to some rest and relaxation. It was very cozy and warm with its couch and pillows and lovely decorations around the room on the walls and furniture! He then showed me the dining room, kitchen as the rooms next on the tour. The dining room was accompanied by another on its right but he did not mention that room to be one of the rooms we can use! So the dining room table had this cherry oak finish, nicely set up for the breakfast this morning (I was just in time for it) and we would just check out the kitchen before we were ready to eat it. It was white, yes all white, the cupboards, the marble white counter and another small kitchen table we could also use for a lunch or dinner for ourselves. We were allowed to use the dishes but of course had to pick up after ourselves.

lush greenery and water

So as the train left and I was settled in I have to say it was quite a scenic drive. To my left was a beautiful piece of terrain of green grass highlighted by trees of apples and peaches. The lush greenery really magnified the enormity of them. I was feeling like I would really like to pick from those trees. And on the other side of what looked like a bridge too was a meandering river full of water, gushing all the way down to the other side of the bridge. The river went a very long way to bring life to its occupancies like fish and insects and other water mammals, im sure. Who knows, maybe one might see fishermen down this meandering river. Outside obviously of the train, on the left side, was this river. I wondered if there were swans or frogs and other birds and mammals that feed off of this water. And since it looked respectably clean and not murky water, I thought that these creatures of the meandering river must be well taken care of. In front of us, as we took the train by it, we could see a forest area which was situated all the way around a cottage-like home painted all white. It had two pillars holding the front entrance way up and it is as elegant as one could comprehend. I wondered who that could be that owns that property. Essentially the river and bridge was a few miles off of their property. Then the grassy forest with trees also creeped right in front of this property. Since we were basically in the area of my home still I made it my goal when I got back to see what all this land and property meant to the city. I certainly wouldn’t be getting involved with someone I do not know like this family that lives there. So I decided I might venture to find out what it was all about. I thought, “what’s their occupation? Kids? Why buy a house with all this in front of them and to what extent do they own this property? Like does it have any spiritual or physical or mental significance to this family? I didn’t see any boats nearby so im assuming the family did not have direct access to this land and is just dormant without anyone touching it but the small creatures that inhabit it! The reason I am so caught up with the white house is because it said that there was an animal farm going to be happening in a month. I also have to say that Josh’s father that I talked about earlier owned this property. The animal farm would attract many young people and kids with their parents every year but there was also some eating going on in their outside tent that they were setting up here. I have gone before and it is always a pleasure with a few friends at the time! They had a slideshow of what it had been like all these years, and even my cousin knows him from school so this time was of particular importance!

train to italy!

Situated just minutes before the train had to get going on those rusty tracks, John was letting me put my luggage on the train. As the bell was going to go off any minute now, we had ten minutes to go. The driver was getting himself mobilized, the passengers were beginning to flow in because we were so close to departure. You always get those last few passengers come in so close to the start time. As I am about to board I say: I love you honey , I will always be true to you. Yes, honey, me too! I know its going to be a long time since I see you but you can come see me half way (it was going to be 6 months total) “Oh honey I will call you asap and we will call each other like all the time.” We say our goodbyes and we both think its reassuring that we will see each other in three months. “Call me as soon as you get in” he says to me and I go on saying: I will. Darling, I love you. Always have and always will. You are my prince charming, the one my heart loves, lover of my soul and I love you with everything I am. I never doubted you u hv always been the love of my life. I know that you hv said too that you loved me upon first meeting me. (I don’t blame you either!). honey, I feel the same, we are one because we love each other with the same commitment and passion. It’s like our hearts were made for each other (he keeps saying this too!) I will hold onto that while im here. I don’t know why I have to leave this way but I really want to make this trip and so I hope youre ok with it. So we said our goodbyes with a most passionate kiss there before i left as well. He touches my ‘beautiful hands’ (as he calls them)! He goes on: “You will be my wife! You are my wife.” To which I say, “Yes, always!”, I pause for a second as he strokes my hair and face. “You are my everything I promise you that.” And so I board as I lean into a final kiss and I am about to cry tears of sadness as I leave my hubby to be for the first time in years. I sit down in my seat and all I could think about was John. This was not me, us going backwards, we were going forwards. I was taking some time to focus on me before we get married. We have been together 8 years and not once have I done anything on my list of things that I really want to do in my life. So this was a personal visit, maybe wander the vineyards and see a huge tray of pizza at the local pizza place!

the end of exploration in my heart

I just feel like at this point I have met a lot of people who have touched my life since we separated and I needed every one of them to teaching me things and get me through this mess. Amy was there in the weeping, some other friends in enjoying Edmonton the best that I could, Angie being a companion during the toughest of realities with John and Sandra, as well as all the help that came through during the wedding. How can I thank them enough but invite them to my wedding and thank them for being there. I guess I’m admitting that they pay an instrumental role in all the ups and downs. You see, I’m the kind of person that likes to do that on my own! I clean my house, pay for my own stuff (without any boyfriend), I spend a lot of time alone ALL ON MY OWN. So having so many things turn against me and really feel like I am going under, turned out to be a real blessing, because so many people came to my rescue. I learned that we can let go of our aspirations of self, and embrace the love we can have for ourselves and others. I guess we should love on other people as much as ourselves. These are deeper-seeded wounds for me, being able to open up to people and letting them take charge in my life because what they say sounds right. It’s not like you’re allowing them to walk all over you, take your freedom away from you or getting control of your life! You meet people throughout your life that have such a beautiful, lasting grip on your heart and soul, the things you aspire to and those that you leave behind! They cry with you, they laugh with you, and you take pieces of it with you. Whatever the mind, heart and body can identify as good thoughts, good actions and goodness to others, you take it in and it becomes who you are, what you aspire to and long for in your life. So its okay to let yourself let people in, you may be surprised how much you like them, like what they’re doing, they’re approach to life and as long as they are willing to let you take what they give in your own way, in your way of doing things, in your time and fashion, you will be fine to let them in, even if it requires some change. You just don’t want to let them in so much that there becomes a choice between them and yourself. You just let them teach you and mould you to become the person, mind and heart that you know you so desire to be! It's not that they necessarily do what they want to you! So I am going to live life like I should, like I want, like I will, because without that I am just a big bubble of self, self, self!! Meeting people is fun, letting them in to share my life is great and letting them influence and change my heart to fit my mould is wonderful!

scottie cont...

He finally said something to me one day. I was dressed in a pink mini skirt and a white tank. I guess this whole thing about being away from John was to test the ground and see if we really love each other. So I made the plunge and smiled at him as he opened the door of a Shoppers Drugmart right on Whyte Ave. Okay, what was going to hurt me going into a Shoppers to grab some Crest Whitening Strips? ‘Be careful’ my inner good Christian girl complex said to me. So there he was, opening the door for me and getting me to walk through the door as I said, “thank you.” He just looked me in the eye and said ‘have a nice day’. Even that kind of interaction made me nervous. It’s that I’m meeting a guy, it’s the thought that I could lose John by falling in love with someone else or do something wrong like having sex before marriage to a man I don’t even love because I’m in love with someone else. You see, although I, am kind of a wanderer in this book and in my real life years ago, I am also very cautious and careful that some guy could take the place of a man I love. I guess that’s the risk I am taking, as I left John that one day he hugged and kissed me! Isn’t it because I’m allowing him and myself the freedom to look. But the good Christian girl within me is saying ‘be careful’ and I mean it because I agree with it: that a girl like me who is a Christian girl should not have sex and should stay true to another man while she waits for her man. She is tough, true to herself and her man, and is simply avoiding sexual play. Am I right then, that exploring the streets and being with a man or giving him a chance in a simple, non-risky way like talking, going to the movies and going on dates, is just alright! I think so. “How are you doing ?” the Scotman would say, when I saw him on the street by this pub. “I am doing quite fine thank you” I said. “Im Harold, what’s your name?” as he held out his hand to me. “I am Sarah,” I said, of course. “Oh lovely you are, and your name too,” “Are you the owner here, at this pub, the scottish pub?” I asked. “Yes I am,” he says. He was sounding like he was proud of it and he should be because it takes a lot of man power and commitment to run a business. A bar is a place many people think is harmless but many also think it is worthless. It’s because they believe there are greater things to do and be in life. I had a dream one night and I was clearly dating this guy. I was walking around with dishes and drinks and after that I do not know what happens. I probably was either putting them away or delivering them. But I was wearing a long flower-print dress. I could sense I was happy to be there and I think it’s because we were together. Well, I decided after that I did not want to immerse myself in this environment. It was a little far off from what I wanted out of life and John always kept coming in my mind and heart. He wasn’t just a man to me, he has something I love, and part of that is him, his true self!

the scottie

So I had had enough, John was still gone and I couldn’t handle loving him and seeing and watching and knowing he was hanging out with Sandra. That’s it I thought, this is over. I have no way to contact him, he is just going to deal with it. It doesn’t seem fair that they did not contact me about extending their time away (it was now past the 7 months mark and so I considered it OVER.) You know what, I thought, I have given them one more month and still I have seen them show nothing about what is happening. Do they actually expect me to wait around for them lie a “good” little girl and they do not have the decency to inform me. IN THIS SOCIETY, especially the Christian side of things, you’re expected to be this good little girl and as soon as you do wrong, it’s like you’re not that girl anymore, so I just wanted to break past that understanding that girls should just be good and help myself and others realize that God can forgive and you can more on and change. And even if you don’t change, God is still gracious to get you to the grace part even if it takes you longer. So before I met Dan there was this bar tender around. I would frequent the streets and see him around. Right away, a good portion of the streets part will be viewed to some as kind of a prostitution. Well, yes I was chasing after men at this point, but I didn’t touch them, get near this man sexually so already that opinion is falsified. Just because a girl wants to go and have fun, meet men and have a good, safe time, does not mean she is sinning or doing wrong. Naturally, walking down whyte avenue to look at clothes, buy a drink or head into a club are all the same things as long as you are not sinning while you do them. That’s my take on it so people are not confused between prostitution and a friendly walk into entertainment, anti-boredom and exploration. People go camping where they could be demolished by a black bear, men play golf and go to the casino (and women) and there’s a chance of experiencing feelings of regret and remorse at not playing a good game. Well regardless of what people may say these all have a resemblance to the feelings you’re going through when searching for a man. There’s the possibility of pain and suffering but we still do these things to give us a good time. So why do we downcast a friendly date or meeting a guy, when it could end up in heart break and pain, in the ways that it does in these other activities. So yes I did spend some time with a young man when I was alone, where there was no communication about coming back. I saw him by a shoppers drug mart and by his pub. My intentions were clean and I kept it that way. It was fun for a while, I should say, but I did leave him AFTER a while because it seemed after all, that I was still missing John and only wanting to be with him. But this is what we did together:

friends to enemies

So my husband now had totally disappointed me with all the women that I got to know. As you can see I have no problem with making friends, and THINGS ARE NOT LIKE THEY WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL. I had made tons of friends. And I did not get why they all disappeared on me. There must have been like 5-7 friends totally deserted me when I confronted some and when they found out my husband was single, at the time. At the time this happened, I was so excited to enter a place like Edmonton, I had always dreamed of a place where I could go out with friends, no parents around and go shopping. Because we were still not seeing each other, he was contacting these women and as a result because they saw themselves with him, they totally did not see themselves as friends anymore. Of course I would get jealous of them, he was and is still as a married woman, a dream for me! I was so mad about this at both parties! I had good intentions with making friends, I was even willing to make that place my home, because for a while, I was LOVING the interactions with friends while hanging out at different restaurants, bars and coffee shops. My husband basically took away all that fun stuff from me by his flirting with my friends. He always says he is simply trying to be friendly, while SERIOUSLY making these women fall for him. They were basically saying, “PICK ME” while I am sitting over wondering, what the HECK do you want?? Turns out I am wrong and they do not matter to him when I confronted his sister about this. I messaged her on facebook!! She seemed to claim that he did not have any interest in these women at all, that he’s not that kind of person, to have the intention to flirt! I have ALWAYS been friends with John’s sister, she is truly awesome. That conversation put me in the greatest of spirits because there’s nothing like your crush leaving a woman and discouraging those women from thinking they even have a chance with him. Love my babe!! Muah! So I ran to Dan to keep myself from getting too upset at John. I mean, what did he expect, that I would just sit at home, doing nothing while my crush is spending quality time with Sandra?? I had had so many problems with friends and Jon for that matter, Dan seemed to be the remedy for all my failures! Dan and I went on a pizza date one night, we also went to this bar where we just sat as a couple and we can’t forget our cross-country skiing date, which ended up very badly. My idea of that kind of skiing was that it would be along flat trails and let’s just say we left ten minutes from starting the very curvy trails. I also mentioned that we met at another bar. Times with Dan were seriously the best!

The Angie Log

Angie was Sarah’s closest friend during the time that John was away with Sandra. We did everything together (except when going to school.) When we first met we were in a school classroom, when she walked up to me at first. We went to see the movie “Knocked up” which wa so funny and our friendship would make it so far as to see “Avatar.” I believe the latter had more of an effect on me. I mean the relationship John and I had reminded me of the young avatar couple that the movie was displaying to us as the audience. They reminded me of our connection and passion for each other. The girl avatar acted a lot like me, it’s hard to trust, has a slight temper when things don’t go my way, strong, smart, and daring and adventurous. Anyway, Angie and I had a lot of fun times. I just didn’t know if I could trust her. From the beginning of knowing her, she has this friend Lawrence. She warned me of him, that he’s not a good guy and someone who took advantage of her. I don’t know though, I did not think he was a bad guy, so he called me up one day and he came over. He also invited me to his place one night, it was just a friendly meeting, and that’s what happened at my place. We sat with a space between us, he admitted later that we never did anything intimate (which made me so proud of him when he could have taken advantage of me.) Anyway, we sat by the fireplace that was downstairs in a separate, enclosed room, my room was also on that floor. We had a few laughs and talks and finally called it quits as it was “Getting late” as he said. He was a responsible, calm and collected guy that knows what he wants. He is a guy that would try to interact with me in a more than friends kind of way but that’s ok because I was careful not to do anything that would upset Ang and make her feel inferior in any way! Angie was always trying to set me up with someone, but I always said “no” because there was John. I couldn’t do that to him. “He’s my backbone, my all, my reason for living, why would I entertain my time with someone else when hes coming back for me.” “I know,” she said back, “how do you know he’s coming back!” “Because we talked about that, they’re only going to be gone a little while and then we are going to reunite” “oh ok,” Angie would never push anything on me, she was a tall and pretty girl who would never inconvenience me into doing things that I did not want. I will, to be realistic, say that she and I didn’t always get along. We had clashes unfortunately and that drew us apart eventually. It’s like she gets super mad at me and I can’t handle it so I run away from her. Writing this now, it’s been a few years since we have talked.

outline

sheryls mom gets sick and this interferes with their love life because Sheryl is planning the wedding but also making frequent visits to see her mom -this causes problems to her because she wont be as focused on the wedding emotionally -but its an opportunity to include others in its preparation (I need you here…) -A few of her friends abandon her at this time -This puts strain on john bc he is also the reason they leave -will they work out these issues and forget about these problems (that don’t matter) and focus on the wedding? After the wedding… -whats she struggling with? - after having a wedding and getting past the honeymoon stage (of their relationship), sarah -her new job – its always the outer influences that put pressure on sarah - someone at work wants the same promotion as sarah in their counselling job (this person intimidates sarah) -her husband is putting on pressure to have kids, they are getting older -her husband works through these struggles with her by: putting off having a baby until work settles down, she loses some hours and gives up on the job promotion, -other social happenings is what she needs like with John’s friend Sandra. -a few conversations with her will uplift her and talk of getting out/joining social gatherings/groups will also help! Down the road, Sarah will finally achieve her ultimate goal and go on a friend’s trip -New York is where they go -she will achieve / encounter a personal victory -it should be emotional/mental -when she goes to see a bunch of shows in NY, she realizes her dream again to do that -she also knows in reality that her family and job connections will never accomodate it -in going to NY, even though she loves it, she realizes that all this wealth and privilege is not what she wants on this level -she also goes to Taiwan soon after and realizes that her country Canada has much more to offer as a developed nation, Taiwan is developing and has less to offer -she wonders what made her do it in the first place, Canada is a better option -NY will be a weekend vacation, whereas Taiwan was a way to experience the culture very well for three months

the restaurant

“Oh John, that is so special.  From the moment we met, you were my dream, everything I ever wanted, honey,” I said.

“Its hard to believe that we met when we were teenagers and I have this fondness for you, a genuine sense of you being yourself and me being myself as well.  I think the seed was planted there of our germination, of our spring of love.  The always
“Hi, sarah” is greeted with great love, happiness and wanting of each other.  Do you see what I mean? We have always been there for each other and longed to be in each other’s arms.  That’s what that shows me!” John said.

“Wow”, I say. “Me too, whenever I see you, I always feel that I desire, and want you in my life.  I have never felt that for anyone else in my life.  People always say (I know and believe): that they have never felt this before and I used to think that was so corny but now that this is happening to us, I believe in that kind of love; You are saying: I love you even though ive never seen it or experienced it before.  It is a kind of love which is something you've never seen, that sees beyond what’s there, there as in no love ; because you are believing that despite what has happened before, you are in a real love situation.  You are believing that that love now and forever is real.  So I say yes, I love you deeply!"

“That’s beautiful, you have basically explained to me everything I’ve been feeling in my heart. I love you and always will.

“Always honey, when ever we came in contact I was thrilled to see you.”

“Thrilled baby, thrilled as in sky diving thrilled, so you’re skydiving whilst my heart is going through these heights of emotion.”

“Oh no honey I don’t mean it like that, I was very excited I should say then…”

“just joking babe, take a joke!!!”

“I know, I know, im testing you…Oh right were not doing that anymore”

He picks me up and put me over his shoulders and says, “You did what, what did you do??”

“Never mind husband, I’m yours now forever”

“That sure shut you up baby!!!

I wiggle my body trying to get down from there and put him off balance.

It doesn’t work every time!

So as we left the property that we were on at the restaurant, arms locked together on our backs I could remember passing this way many times. I was just thinking how our love was so special now and when I used to pass this italian restaurant on the whyte avenue strip. 

“You know, when we did part ways that day at chapters, what do you think was going through my mind?”

“what time was this honey?”

“when you left with Sandra.”

“Probably that I’m going to kick me in the shins, then I’d never be able to play ultimate again!”

“No not in the least. I had forgiven you. I wanted you, loved you, and I wanted you to stay.”

date night

So we were off to eat something after Amy and I were talking and m husband was getting hungry so we went to the italian restaurant right across from chapters on whyte avenue.  Of course I love either straight spaghetti but also like the cream carbonara sauce pasta dish so that is what I ordered.  But something peculiar was coming up.  I noticed this guy just staring at me and I couldn’t figure out why.  So I kept looking away.  My husband just kept saying “whats wrong honey?” as I was careful not to point at him to draw any attention to me.  I whispered, “ya. Honey, there’s someone looking straight at me and I can not figure out why! “Oh my gosh,” I thought, “that’s my friend Rex”  But to be honest, I did not really want to talk to him!  My husband was with me and it had been so many year, that walking up to him would be so awkward.  The other thing I was thinking of was that my ex boyfriend walked into Chapters the other day, with his wife and never breathed a word so I decided I would do the same.  Man, today I am running into so many situations, it seems like eating supper with John is not going to happen.  Anyways, we finally sit down and order our meals and we start talking.

“Honey, I have something important to tell you.” said John.

“ok honey whats up?”

“Sandra is moving on and getting married”

“Oh my gosh that is so great I said, I’m so happy for her”

“Where is he from, does she have to relocate”

“No they met here”

“Do you feel relieved?”

“yees well theres always that fear in the back of your mind that your ex girlfriend will want you back…!”

“Oh Sarah, how many times have I told you I would never do that”

“I know, it’s just a little insecurity I have.  When was with one of my exes, there was always this girl lingering around us.  This girl really had no respect some days she didn’t even acknowledge me. “

“It’s ok though, I know who I am and what I deserve so I’m glad she’s officially moving on.” 

“Don’t worry Sarah, she does not mean any harm to you at all, she wants to see us happy and supports what we have together.”

“Were lucky that way, hey, to have a friend that looks out for us, supports us and is always there! I kinda like that about her.”

“Believe me, honey, you wont be disappointed because I will never let you down.  I’ve made my commitment to you known by my friends and family.  They know I love you and will always be with you and nothing can some between us.  If there is a problem between any of us, I will always make you happy and you will always be first in my life.  That’s how much I love you so much.

Aunts

And the wedding carried on.  We had our cordon bleu meal, salads and potatoes, there were lots of punch and bread where guests could help themselves.  “This is such a great wedding and banquet, Sarah” said my Aunt, as I reached the refreshments table. I knew her from living with her family when I was little.  She may be the Aunt I like the most.  She’s always positive and not as socially awkward, a very happy person.  “Oh, yes thank you Aunt, I am very pleased with it.  It has taken a lot of energy and work, but of course my special day is so important to me.  When youre getting married, you want everything to be perfect, It’s just a pattern women get into, you know, not only because its your special day but you want everything to look perfect for your guests to enjoy it as well, you know” I said to her.

“the little flower girls, your sisters two children, did such a great job, that was cute when one of the girls dropped her flowers and the older girl helped her up as her big sister,” said my Aunt

“yup, those are my niecies and they are so cute.  Proud Aunty over here.”

“my favourite part so far has been seeing all the kids together here, my inner teacher values coming out here.  I love all the dancing! No regrets there.  It’s so special seeing mommies and daddies dancing with their children.  It shows such a creative and thoughtful relationship between children and adult.  We are so fortunate to have so many children in our family.”

She goes on, “I am very happy that you two chose each other to marry because it always sounded like you had a fondness for each other.  It just needed time to develop.  I hope you will learn to love another and forgive each other even with all that’s happened.”

 

“Oh yes, Aunt, we are really forgiving and loving towards each other.  Any space between us, we are very eager it work it out.  It’s not like other relationships where you don’t talk for like two days.  At least I hope it doesn’t amount to that.  This is definitely what I love about him.  He is very forgiving and always is the done seeking peace and love, and also his faithfulness, he is so dedicated and concerned about my wellbeing.  He’s strong too.  But I have had to learn how to be patient, forgiving and loving.  I feel like this part of our relationship needs work and I could get better at It, it doesn’t come easy for me.  I hold to things I shouldn’t, but tis a progress that just keeps getting better with time.” 

“Don’t worry, Sarah, every relationship goes through this.  And you’re blessed you have those things with him.  Some couples take years to get that far.  I think your separation in your early days probably helped with that development.  I know you are going to do well together!  You both are a great team, your compliment each other and you are ready for life together!  I love you both!” said Aunt.

 

 

 

 

speeches

Now we got to the banquet hall with everything set up, tables and chairs looking so good.  (I don’t really know where the speeches come in and I think it’s after the meal).  With the decorations on the tables and chairs,  the white lights lit all over the room, in the corners and around the walls, the room ;looked spectacular, just the way I wanted it!  As the guests started arriving at the banquet hall, the head table began to arrive.  My four girls who were bridesmaids, came and grabbed their seat while the rest of the guests started to arrive.  The lady servers start to bring out the meals, it was a fantastic chicken cord on bleu with a salad and mashed potatoes.  But the big event that happened and is very important to me, were the speeches made by the bride, groom, and the best man/maid of honor.  The speeches being said by the maid of honor and the best man are very touching and warms the heart.  They spoke of the ttimes we have had together throughout the years and the impact that the married couple have had on these individuals, with a toast to the couple after they spoke about them.  As I stood to acknowledge all of the fabulous people who had helped us out and are celebrating this important day with us. 

“Thank you very much for coming to our wedding, to celebrate moments we are sharing with you, that is a great milestone in our lives.  We could not have done it without you and are extremely grateful for your support and love.  When we were sad, you lifted our spirits.  When we were indecisive, you pointed us in the right direction, when we were lost, you helped find our designated purpose.  When all hope was gone you brought encouragement and when we needed love you gave it.  I just want to say that when John came into my life, I truly found my purpose, my reason for living.  HE is my light and love.  He has opened my eyes and taught me things no one ever in my life has done.  And I am truly grateful that it is me that is standing before you all as his wife, after this afternoon today! I have loved him unconditionally, desires him with my whole heart and am so happy to be with him for the rest of my life.  He is kind, he is charming and good-looking, never is cross with me and puts up with my silliness.  I am so proud of him and tod be able to call him husband!  Honey, to many years together and lots of love between us and our families!!”  Sarah sat down and her husband whispers to her, “I love you Sarah, you are my everything!!” I smile back at him, the love of my life, my pride and joy and everything I have ever wanted and everything to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

meeting amy

Just one night when John was suppose to meet me for coffee, I bumped into an old friend and we talked about our love story.  She remembered how it was when he was away!  We met up at the church for some kind of food drive we were doing and we were picking up another friend.  As soon as we got to her place, we were seriously talking about everything with me as she asked, “Sarah, are you okay? It’s been six months since he has left,” and I just started balling my eyes out because of fear.  “Why do you keep holding onto someone that inevitably doesn’t care because he’s with someone else. “

“Amy, listen, they told me they were just friends and now they’re engaged, but I know he’s coming back for me, that’s what he said!”

“I just can’t let him go,  both of them told me that they were just friends and I told them the only reason I am trusting them is because they are friends. “

“Ya but they’re engaged, he must have changed his mind”

“I know that is the obvious and more reasonable explanation to the situation but I just know it won’t work out, I feel it inside me!”

“How do you know that Sarah, I THINK he’s made up his mind and is moving on, I just don’t want you to be heart broken when you find he doesn’t love you anymore or has truly moved on.”

“Just trust me Amy, everything will work out, I promise you that!”

“Hm,” said my friend.  “Just promise me you will not fill your mind with only him because then you will be not be disappointed if it  doesn’t happen.” The thing is she has been through the same thing but se wasn’t reassured of everything going on, that another woman was just there to support him and be his friend.  A man that she loved reached out to her when she first came to the church and suddenly, as her emotions were building up towards him, he said he had a job opportunity somewhere else.  So naturally she would suggest not getting my hopes up and letting him go.  You see, John never gave me a solid confirmation in an email or anything and just by word of mouth.  Men make these decisions all the time that they promise one thing and do another, she that’s probably her take on it.  She’s sort of more protective than understanding.  I get that, I really understand that.  And I get that people would be concerned about holding onto him as I am.  But, I know what I know and I will never let that go.  Lots of people move on and get on with their lives, meet a new personl, but I just can not, I know he loves me and we’ll be together forever.  All the things he has said to me and all the experiences we’ve had together just don’t go away.  So I guess I’m saying in a situation like this that you find yourself in, keep inside what will offend, get criticized and what people will not understand.  I’ve definitely learned all this the hard way, the hardest way possible.

 

 

 

throwing the bouquet

Now it was time to pass the flowers and see which bride catches it.  “I am going to catch it” said one woman.  She was most likely to catch it because she was the one who would get married next.  Her name is Sherice and her boyfriend was getting ready to get one knee.  It was all a SET UP!! The agreement was I am going to throw it towards her and her boyfriend would walk up behind her after she started showing her friends the flowers.  One girl was like “Show me the bouquet, I want to see how beautiful those flowers are,” another girl going on about how lovely they are going to look in a vase.  Anyway, Justin her boyfriend does not waste any time at all.  Right at the perfect moment, her boyfriend bends his knee before us all and especially for Sherice.  It’s the perfect moment for this!  He says “Sherice you are my night and day. We have been through some moments together.  And everyday my love grows more and more in love with you.  I love your laugh, your tears and everything else that draws us closer.  Please accept my hand in marriage and say “yes”.  He gives her the princess-cut ring, she says yes and he puts it on for her. 

“I cant believe they have been together two months and are already engaged? Hows that for you: it’s a small world and sometimes in that small world perfect people meet each other with the same weirdness, the same taste for things they like and the perfect amount of love for each other.  It’s not like they are teenagers anymore, they are grownups and they can make their own decisions.  Sometimes on life people do stupid things and they may suffer for it but that’s a consequence they have to deal with. (said one friend of Sherice).  Others may say well they know they love, cherish and support one another, so they're getting married.  Another friend says, you are all wrong, true love can not be detected until it had been tried out.  How does one know of the future without first studying the present.  I want to see everything about my partner, the man that I love, before being asked to marry.  How else will there be respect, love and dedication in a marriage, between an engaged couple.  I don’t understand, said another girl, a cousin of Sherice, how you can all stand here and judge whether this lady who caught the flowers could actually be engaged, she does not know who she is with him in her life so soon, she has not tasted the rest of the world and what it has to offer, what if it doesn’t work out for all these reasons. Well it will work out because God is in it and if He be in it no one can put it asunder. This means that if indeed this is the case that God is in it, the marriage will not fail.

The wedding

When I got all the girls together, dressed up with our hair done, makeup and dresses I couldn’t have prepared enough for this moment. I was about to marry the love of my life, John.  Sitting down on a chair as my hair was blow dried and ready to go into the a fancy bun (It’s the only style that would suit my dress, covered in lace at the back, so that guests could see the handiwork).  Nobody really knows unless you’ve been married just how much work it is to put this together.  But as I contemplated just how much work it came to mind, just how hard John has worked with me up until this point. It was enough to know something, anything.  I don’t like doing things myself but if someone is doing it with me I am happy. So I am glad that I see John sitting there one day exhausted from work, as I have been.  We are in this together and I am stronger than yesterday in being ready for a hard-working marriage.  

Once the dress was on with the garter, the veil that stretched ten feet back (as long as the back of the dress), I knew that I was in reality.  This is my reality, I’m going down the aisle now, the girls are already making their way down. Behind me was the back of the dress spread along its 10 foot distance, which my youngest sister set out for me before leaving as a bridesmaid.  The veil is a symbol to me of the sanctity and humility of the beautiful woman over which it heaves.  There is only one man who will remove it from my face, and that is the man I am about to meet as the doors open and the beauty of the moment is revealed.  I’m not nervous anymore, I’m not stressed, he’s there, I’m there, we have officially declared our love and commitment to each other as the walking down the aisle symbolizes that commitment.  We see each other, and that beautiful gaze between now woman and man means that physical declaration is about to come.  How can I prepare enough for this moment? I’ve always said that my wedding is the most important day of my life and now as I step from regular single life to marriage, it’s not about me, it’s for him, my life and everything.  May God bless this moment and the moment to come forever and ever.    

He’s staring at me in those big, huge eyes, with a smile on his face.  I would see him dressed as a married man in just 15 minutes, and I would always envision him as my husband.  You see it’s not really about what you do in this moment, other than the vows because they represent god’s blessing in making them a reality.  I know the material, work and money is so important and is a reason we’re getting married, but it does not make the marriage last.  A wedding is beautiful, but it is the hearts and lives exemplifying true love that makes the wedding and marriage beautiful.

Final Draft #4: extra comments about "wounds"

How the Time Passes This is a story about love and it is a story about myself. Everyone has a love story to tell, whether it be when you are young and when you are old - it doesn’t really matter. People would tell me I couldn’t date him or I’m not good enough. Even my own conscience, mindset would say that I can’t handle him. But oh, this was not true. I was not as high-achieving as him, I didn’t have a high-paying job, as many friends and family around me and as he did. This made me feel very insecure. He comes from a very tough background, tough people, and what I mean by this is the rules his church and family would set for his early life. He was perfect for me, I thought, many times. He was tall, had brown hair and walked with his head held high, like a soldier about to take flight; and his duty, his requirement was going to be to wait for me. He would become the love of my life indeed, but this would take years, effort, strong effort and an undying love that none would be able to surpass in the way that he loved. You see, its not about how much he made, or that of other men, I care about our wounds and overcoming them. And that is what drew me to him, because I was all of those things before him. He would accept those things about me. His name is John. When we got home one night, I knew I had to confess something to John. In all the uneasiness of life, although I should be so happy, I could feel my heart pounding as I thought about her, his her, his love interest; although he didn’t see her for some three months. But it still worried me. She came into his life as a first relationship, you know we are all so dumb when we are in love for the first time. “John, I’m just not happy right now. I need some time,” said Sarah, who would be his future wife. And this brought back memories from their past relationships. John always admired her but she always had these doubts lurking around. Indeed that needed healing from the past. I remember when I started to be in love, with John. There’s not a care in the world. Meaning you don’t care what people are going to think, where you are going, you just know you want to be with this person all the time, your whole life. So I continued to trust my intuition. He was at the bookstore called Chapters in the city and he was sitting at a coffee shop connected to the bookstore. I went right up to him. Of course, we had already interacted many times and this was just an open invitation to sit down. He says to me, “Have a seat, Sarah.” So we had a chat as I sat there for just a few minutes because I had to go back to work at the bookstore. I was in heaven. I loved what we talked about - our tempers, our aura, our impressions were indeed alike, like a rib that had been taken from him and finally reunited, with myself. That is to say, we were a perfect match for each other; and to this day, we feel the same thing. Nonetheless, he was handsome, he had a deep voice even then, his eyes fixated on me like a lion on the scene to capture its prey. I’m not really an animal or someone to be eaten, but you get the hint that he was interested! His eyes were absolutely staring at me and I loved it! We talked of the music we loved and the church we were connected with in Edmonton. Talks of his plans and mine for the next three years would be discussed. On another day as well we had a most heavenly talk as I crossed paths with him at work. He was looking at the books in front of him and as he walked towards me, I began to walk as well. Talking of a dislocated shoulder, I showed my most sincere compassion for him, as I said, “Oh no, hope you are getting better.” I even brought my dad and brother into the conversation, my point being that they know more about these sorts of things, and they know more about the body and how it works to cause such discomfort after an accident. I know more about education, reading and writing. To which he replied, “Well I’m sure they know more about that than me.” I was very pleased with that ending. I had never felt like he opened up to me as well as this time. I felt like I was his and he was mine because everything he was saying was drawing me to him, attracted me to him. I just felt like I knew him, wanted him and was willing to figure this out, see this through and pray about this to see if he was the man for me. Don’t get me wrong, it was only the first real encounter with a man I could see myself dating, but I was enraptured by his every move and I knew this was meant to be, destiny. I had reached home but I was still unsure. I had deep wounds, and not because of him, but because of me. I went to bed that night and laid on it, absolutely in love. I sighed. I was relieved but needed to process all of this. I had endured years of regret and I did not want to have any part of regret ever again, so I determined in my heart that I wouldn’t allow myself to go into something I wasn’t ready for. This thought was not me quitting, giving up, or settling for someone else instead of him, by putting this relationship on hold. And this most importantly, was not myself saying that I did not want him or that I want to watch someone else have him instead. Not only that, I didn’t owe anyone an explanation and I did not need to give them something in return, since I would wait years before seeing him from that time. It was our relationship, it would be our engagement and marriage down the road and some people thought they had the right to get involved with him since we were on a break! As far as I was concerned, we decided we weren’t ready and that was never a license to get involved with someone else. Yes, there were actual people believing, hoping that I would never return or that they would have the chance to be with him, and I resented this so much. They were definitely doing things to aggravate, embarrass and make me the fool, but I will tell you they were no match for me, because they saw me stand my case. I made it clear: he was mine and no one could ever separate what we had established, and what god had created for us. I don’t mean to downplay or make those girls feel that they were inferior but this was my man and they were trying to take what is mine, which I can’t allow. To those girls, just put your feet in my shoes for a second, how would they feel if someone was trying to take from you what was yours? End of story. I have already told you about how we met at a bookstore, Chapters in Edmonton, and how our love affair got started there. We talked about ultimate frisbee, medicine and I have left out a few details of our time there. To get straight to it, John was not the only man I had talked to at Chapters. I also had talked with another man. First of all, I did not care about any other man in my life the way I had for John. Nevertheless, I go on. This guy was talking to me at the cash registers and just started randomly giving me a hug and a back massage. Further to that, John was upstairs on his computer and all I could see was his very muscular and sexy arms and back. Those arms, oh my god, were my favourite thing about him, but at this point I could mainly see the muscles protruding from his hoody. “Yes, I am very well taken care of in this respect. I have lots of muscle to admire for the rest of our days together here on earth,” I thought. To proceed, this man giving me a hug at work seemed a little inappropriate and John was probably seeing all of it. I mean, what was I to do? Tell him to stop and embarrass him while John carried on at his computer. Well I suppose if I had known this would upset a man that I actually loved, typing at his computer and myself watching the strength of his muscles through his clothing, I would have done things differently. I realized that this is not all my fault though. A man will pursue you despite all his challenges, so I was waiting for this to happen. A girl can not give up though, but hope and trust in devotion first to god, then man, that man will come around despite challenges and no matter the circumstances. . You have heard of the saying, “Let it go and if it comes back it was meant to be” and this is precisely what was going on between us. In that was pain and sorrow, because of the thought of rejection and feeling hurt due to what I was doing. The point is that without knowing, I was technically doing him something very wrong. I swear I did not know this offends and drives men away. Without mentioning the more personal details, I will just say we had discussed that this time at Chapters was just a miscommunication. The miscommunication is more his explanation for describing why he left, and sadly this moment could have been the catalyst causing him to leave and start to drift away from me eventually. He also said, coming from his own mouth, that we were on the verge of dating! So here’s this guy, overweight and so disgusting to me because John was just let’s be honest a hunk, or in my mind I understood he was a very attractive man. Wouldn’t any man who was in love with a woman, and he was at this time, whom saw this taking place with another man, be jealous? Well of course, I realized in retrospect now. But then, it was just fun for me, so I had no idea that at this moment it would drive him away from me. I assure you our miscommunication did not end there, many things were going in so many directions, with so many factors pulling him away from Edmonton. But this would be the challenge for him. Would he get over this rejection? Would he even love me? Was this something he could overlook and forgive? Time would tell and he would have to discover these very things separate from me and we would not actually date in the present as we both had hoped. So things were tough at first, knowing that we couldn’t be together at all. And these issues brought lots of pain knowing that someone else could date me and that he might leave. Why do women do this? Why do men react so to the woman they love? Well I know that my thinking is he was just a friend, I didn’t want the overweight man but I was attracted to only the idea of having a man take interest in me. For me it wasn’t that I didn’t love John or he didn’t love me, it was just a matter of putting our connection and love on hold. This would set the course for everything I was looking for in the next five years - to be attached but not interested or in love with a man. Just freedom. Just being myself. Not controlled. Trusting in each other that this was the right course to take was a challenge because despite all the effort we had already made; things we had experienced sort of crumbled and were wasted in one decision to part ways. The truth is we both had our reasons for letting go at this time. And miraculously, our reasons were quite the same. Moving on, we sat down for dinner one night, to talk about this, resolve it, reminisce on all that god had done in our lives and what would be a conversation about how we would go from here. We got to the restaurant and I could see John looking ahead a lot and another lady flagged him down, while he asked me to just wait at the table where we were going to sit. It must have been the lady he talked of before, and he said they were going to be hanging out one night, of which I wasn’t very happy at all. So what was going to be a pleasant date night turned into a trio. He introduced me to her. She came over and this is how it went! “Hi, my name is Michelle, I’m John’s friend!” she said. “Oh, really?” I said. John spoke and asked, “Can she sit here with us, I just want us to talk about something, all three of us?” Well I didn’t really have a choice! So I agreed and what was to follow did not bug me at all. “What’s the harm” I thought, and that is very true – “What’s the harm with having a friend” I thought. So here we went on talking about it. Sitting down on our seats in the restaurant, John says, “I think it’s a good idea if Michelle and I take off for a while,’ he said. “And where does that leave me?” said Sarah. “Well if it’s okay with you, we can just be gone for let’s say, six months, to give you some space, to let you think about us for a while. I don’t want to scare you or inconvenience you in any way and certainly not control you.” He goes on. “Based on everything we have discussed until now, it seems like we both like each other but because of our history, this is not the greatest time for us.” This was John. “Ok, so you’re choosing her over me?” (In a sense that’s what he was doing but because this was a friendship, I did not put up a fight). To which he replied, “No, no, this is not what I’m doing! I don’t want you to feel controlled the way you have described. I know you to be a woman who likes your space, so I don’t want to take that away from you. If you want space, I want to give it to you.” “Okay,” I said. “You are very right and accurate in telling me this. But I am very uncomfortable with you leaving with another woman. This has happened to me in my past and I have always expected the man to choose me. So I’m not happy with this. But I am going to let you do it because I’m not a control freak and I will not hold you back on your decision.” Michelle jumped in. “What John is saying is true. We’re not in a relationship beyond that of friendship!” Sarah goes on, “I know, Michelle, but hear from my point of view. He’s leaving with another woman, period. You. That could make things complicated, confusing and uncomfortable because he’s not here for me at all, but for you.” “Well he’s saying he wants to give you space because you want it. And he has other reasons because of his past as well,” said Michelle. I wasn’t going to reveal certain things to her because I didn’t want to seem weak, but my greatest fear was now happening or had the potential to happen down the road! This was my struggle, the idea of another girl lingering around. It is a deep-rooted problem with needing to put others first, feeling left out and wanting to receive love. But I feel I have to get over this for now and so I decided to try to understand everything. She looks at John. “Well, let’s have some supper and talk it over, but like I said I’m not going to control you and tell you to stay with me, because of my reasons and because of yours,” she said. And at the end of dinner, Sarah said to John, “we need to talk alone about this!” which he agreed to do. Just after supper, they talked. “What is all of this John, you know what this means? It means that you could fall in love with her and that is my greatest fear. Why would you put yourself in a position that compromises and does not value us or our relationship? “It’s not like that Sarah. That’s far from the truth. We are just friends,” he says. “And you think this might not be long?” “No. I will be right back here when I can!” “When you can? What does that mean John? We have agreed to six months, nothing more than that, you shouldn’t be spending that much time with her alone!” “It means that I don’t know the definite time but six months seems fair. I don’t have all the answers, Sarah.” “Ya, right, six months” I thought, truly. At this time, she was not thinking there would be a problem with the timing as much as how easily it would be for people to fall in love when they are away from someone they love, as they would be. I knew this was basically all my idea. The Chapters guy was definitely flirtatious and John didn’t like this, but now that I saw this other woman, I didn’t like the idea of him moving away for a while. Now he is leaving her. So she’s also dealing with her fears again over whether she should have been flirting with the Chapters guy. She’s taking a step back to examine her emotions of this time. Holding my hand John goes on, “Sarah, you know my feelings for you and you are the light in my life, but I need space too as you do right now. I wish I could stay. But I must go now,” as I opened the passenger door and that would be my last time seeing him in god knows how many years. We hugged outside of the car, and he said he loved me. “I do too,” said Sarah. “I hope our feelings and love strengthens and never fades away,” she goes on. John says, “It won’t.” They kiss goodbye like never before. You see it wasn’t about whether we wanted each other, it was very clear he did, but could he help her in her healing from all of the pain in her life. They held hands for the very first time, and she finally released his hands as she gradually walked away. She cried, in her car as he drove in the opposite direction and she was relieved he didn’t see her crying. “How stupid,” I thought, “to be crying over a man who evidently doesn’t love me enough to stay close to me. This is not the kind of love that I imagined. If he loved me, he’d be here but he made the choice to leave. I know he had all these reasons for leaving and I had all these reasons for not dating right away.” So I was overruled - I was right, he was right, a separation did us some good, I guess. What I want didn’t count though and this was reminiscent of the past, which I hated; and now here’s hoping his heart was mine forever, even if not in a physical way right now. These were indeed tough times. Another and final part of saying goodbye was the house church gathering, just minutes before he left. He would come up to me and say that he was glad I came, and I just said that I was happy to be there. But at one time I joined him with a group and asked him what he will be doing, where he was going! He humbly said he would skiing with a “girl” and I was actually quite happy with that. (The girl was Michelle). “How bad could it be going skiing?” I thought. Soon after that, he left. It’s not like I was against anything about him besides Michelle, but I thought this part was weird. Maybe a better “hello, how are you?” or “have you ever skied before?” or “what are your plans for the summer?” would have been nice. If he had shown some kind of a clue that everything would be okay, I would have been happy with it! Just something to show his acceptance and love. Walking into the big city was like a dream come true! It’s one of those places with lots of things going on at one time. Whyte avenue had restaurants and bars opened everywhere from afternoon until early in the morning. This restaurant where they served Mexican food was great. I went there with Ang, Amy and Brenna at different times, I absolutely loved it! I even went there with another girl I met, the one that hung out with Luca and me! They had dips that came with guacamole, beans, sour cream, and the rest was just basic taco stuff like salsa, ground beef; and they may have had rice as well in this big, huge taco shell. I actually went there with my parents too, and that would be my first time going to eat at this restaurant. The interior of the restaurant was dressed up with some Mexican theme, bright colors everywhere on the wall, the bar was situated in the middle for easy access. So there I was passing it one day, maybe my first time, Chapters was just a block away and there was an Italian restaurant just across from it. Below it was this extravagant shop that sold perfumes, household decorations and souvenirs, you know, one of those. I would visit it when I was bored or just wanted to tour the city alone. I picked up this perfume and it smelled like a combination of oranges and ginger with a hint of a perfume smell. I absolutely loved it. I would think of him a lot down there. Not in the ways I did when I was upstairs, or in a restaurant or out with my friends! I guess when I was out shopping I would think of him because I’d always want him with me and I always loved it when men took me out shopping! It’s like that provider instinct that men have and women love. My thinking was similar to the experience of a man going shopping with a woman he has just met or if you’re married a man will take his wife out because that’s just what she likes to do. This actually happened one time in this same city with an old friend of mine. This guy took me out when I first got to Edmonton, we looked into a painting store where they were displaying different paintings the artist had done themselves. He was just trying to show off the fact that he was quite loaded and could buy this for me or for himself! (I think.) And I liked that! You know, it was about security, protection and being successful. So that whenever I went into that store below Chapters, I would always think of John doing that with me, and more importantly, I’d imagine John was right there with me. It made me happy because it felt great to know that one day he would be here, buying me something or that that was something he would do in the later future! My friend Josh, he’s the one who took me to the paintings store, and I, actually went to a restaurant at the mall together! It really was a way for me to kind of check him out, you know, get to know him, because he had always been sort of hanging out with me in familiar places at home. I can’t say that I remember much but he did have a lot to say about religion. He blessed me so much. I needed someone to show me how a girl should be treated, after all the damaging effects of my previous breakups! It wounded me and Josh was touching my heart in a way that took all my pain and carried it, saying it’s okay. He was very nice to me to do all of that, and with nothing in return, I am free to say that he is a good friend indeed. We hung out at his place also one day, we sat down on his front porch. Nevertheless, I was going through one of the toughest times, I had known John for two years. He was away with the other woman and it felt like I did not have anything in terms of a love relationship. We were not on speaking terms at this time at all! So Josh was there at a time when I was sad and lonely. He says, “I’m so depressed right now!” I answer back the same. So it was nice to have a friend that could sympathize, empathize with my emotions. This was definitely part of my wounds that needed to be healed. It was due to all the rejection and lack of acceptance I was feeling with John still. But my connection with Josh didn’t end there, I loved spending time with the guy so I let him tell me about all his excursions to the Asian countries since he was a frequent visitor. What he did tell me was that he felt like Asia had a slower paced society and with Canada and North America’s fast paced society, it is always nice to go there! I suppose it made me feel relaxed, with no need to rush to get stuff done, as it was in a developed country like ours. I quite identified with him on those two things - my sadness and my need for relaxation at this time. John was away with Michelle and I was stuck dealing with this emotional pain. I’m not complaining, I’m just saying how great this relationship was to me and I was really grateful. There’s lots more to say but those stories, moments didn’t really prepare me for love the way I would love John and needed that love forever! He also told me to watch out for “Italian” men while being in Edmonton and that just shocks me today because John comes from an Italian family! Oh, the odds! It’s as if he was reaching out to me because I was broken indeed, hurting, and he healed me, and in a way I was reaching out to him too! I had two boyfriends in the years that I was away from John but I will only talk about one. And I had a couple of men that became close to me but never ventured quite that far. I don’t really know why I had done this because I was never the type to have a boyfriend, so that was my high for a while. I know the reader may be shocked by this considering my history, but that is the truth. Anyways, this relationship did not last long. I had never seen myself so excited to be in a relationship as when I met dan, though. He was tall, had dark hair but not the greatest looking guy. He played squash and I really liked that only because I think men do themselves a favor by staying busy and occupied with outdoor activities. I guess it’s like a replacement to doing other pointless activities that you could do in the house. I know video games are considered a good use of time these days to some, but I prefer men who participate in physical activities outside. Anyways, back to dan, he was officially the first guy I met after John left. I think he could have done anything with his life but he went into public health. He would make a superb Health Inspector. One day he walked into my life at a time I didn’t expect any man to ask for my number. I was having so much fun except that I couldn’t keep John off of my mind and this relationship helped me get to a place of letting go. I would never let him go completely but dan took all my rejection away and healed me to the core of all my negative emotion towards John. So he asked me for my number and that night my life changed forever. He said to me, “Hi, my name is dan”, I just said hi back because I just was thinking “I don’t want to deal with this right now!” I didn’t want to get involved with a man but I did not see John for three years and did not know when I would see him again, hold him or kiss him again. I gave into the charms of one man whom stopped my life and his life for a temporary pause. He was sincere, he was persistent and he convinced me that I should give him my number and give him a try. Well I said, ”Why do you want me to give you my number? Of all the girls here you’ve chosen me and I want to know why.” You can tell, I was giving him a hard time. I wanted to see him fight for me, wanted to see him want me because I was in a place where no one had really done that for me, I needed that! I needed acceptance in my life at a time when the love of my life was not there. . He goes on, “Because I love the way you dance and I think you’re an attractive woman.” Well, because I was about to leave and I was feeling tired, I told him I’d consider him. That was it! Simple. And that night would put a great smile on my face as I finally felt like I had what I was looking for, someone who genuinely wanted me. He exuded confidence that was like a power that took over me, and all my regrets and the pain of John leaving. Dan was officially my boyfriend. The day I met Michelle Parsons had a lot more significance than you would think of. Though I’m thankful that she was sort of with John to leave the city for a break, I was still intimidated for the longest time. As you can see, her presence was very welcomed by my love interest John, and they were off to have some fun together. As the reader, you may be thinking that the writer has taken the attachment of these two a little far, but you shall see just how likely it is for any woman to take this very seriously. The intentions of the Parsons were indeed also expressed by her father and mother. She was a tall woman, slim with a beautiful smile, brown hair and in love with her husband these last thirty years. They had been long time friends with the Reynold’s, John’s parents, so much so that they visited each other on a frequent basis; which Sarah was not even used to, adding onto her insecurities! They not only had a friendship, but also a family relationship they so call it! It’s not that I don’t like Michelle or the family, but I always feel intimidated when there is another girl hanging out with my love interest. This one day Michelle’s mom Bernice was expecting John’s family to come for lunch, living just on the north side of the city. It was still early in the morning and she was having her mug of tea, and gently but kind of mad about the situation with John and Michelle, forcefully placed her mug on the counter ready to be sipped. She was not in the greatest of spirits, after hearing the news of what would become of her daughter with John. You see, she had great plans and high hopes of their union. She was having her emotional difficulties with reality as well. John calling her earlier says, “I have met the woman of my dreams, this is happening for six months and then this woman is going to be in my life. It’s not going to be anything more than that! I don’t want to lead you guys on if this works out, I need you to be aware of this. It’s hard on this new girl.” “John, Michelle loves you and we have been here for you for years and now you’re just going to throw it away over another love. You can work this out, you’re just choosing not to. I can’t believe this is happening. You’re just choosing one rich life over the other,” said Bernice. “Yes, that is what I’m doing. She is beautiful, sweet and trustworthy and always caring towards me,” he said. “Aren’t you aware that Michelle is all of those things. You just need to believe in yourself and commit to it!!” said Bernice. “I’m not going to do this, I’m calling to let you know where I stand and I will not change my mind.” You see, John is looking for a sweet-tempered girl that he can get along with. Michelle is not this way at all, which is why they are friends. At first, this is difficult for Michelle but she gets stronger and it leads to her finding another guy. So we will find our relationships and love eventually. This develops feelings of thankfulness and love towards each other. “Alright, well, see you soon.” “I’m not coming, I have things to do today.” “Well, you and Michelle need to talk about this. This is not going to go over well with her.” “She already knows and she’s fine with it.” “She’s not fine with it, she’s only acting that way because she doesn’t want to lose you.” You can see that the Parsons were very hurt by the circumstances. It’s very true that the Reynolds were close with the Parsons but John was falling in love with Sarah and wanted her in his life! As his mom was sitting at home one day, the day that John met Sarah, this is how it all played out for them, as he tells his family. His parents were still living close by one day, and John knew this was something that he needed to tell them. Eyes raised, ambition soaring and full of excited anticipation, his mother couldn’t be more thankful in her life that this woman was in town and interested in her son. This had always been her dream, her heart’s desire – this is how I saw it anyway. What Sarah had known about her and her husband was that they were good Christian people who want the best for their children so to be honest, Sarah never doubted that they would want her. Anyways, his father is like the wild card in this story, however. Because throughout this entire story, it’s him that will make it stop, their love affair, if he can! He’s the one that wants the union with Michelle, in my estimation. There are some things that happened which Sarah was never in agreement to do, and her biggest guess was it all came from his father. He’s the one advising his son in all he had to do for Sarah, from a fatherly point of view. I think his father was doing this to protect John, just in case it didn’t work out with Sarah. But Sarah was dealing with serious pain trauma because of how she was treated. Since he fell In love with her at this point, somewhere at Chapters, he announced to his family that he had found a new girl. This conversation tells you how he broke it to his mom! “Oh my gosh son, where did you meet her? We haven’t seen her in ages! But it seems we saw her like yesterday because time sure flies when you miss the people you care about!!” she said. “Ok, it’s such a coincidence because she’s working at the same place that I go to for studying - Chapters!” he replies. “Well, what happened?” “Nothing really, but we met there!” “Well, did you introduce yourself or say something to her, this is what I want to know,” says his mom. “Ya, we said hi and so far we have talked about my dislocated shoulder, school when I walked up to her one day as well as music and life when I invited her to sit down one day.” “Wow, that’s awesome. And what has her response been, do you think she likes you? “Well ya, I think so, or else she wouldn’t talk and say much to me!” As his mom sipped her tea, she placed it on the countertop gripping really tightly and placed it very firmly but gently. She turns her face to her son, taking everything in that he’d said to her and finally responded, “Go for it John, sounds like she’s more beautiful than ever. I always liked her. It was many years ago when she visited us and you were young but now you’re older and ready for each other. She seems like a really nice girl to pursue!” “Exactly,” he said in response, “I love being with her.” “You do? That’s great. That’s a good sign!” she says enthusiasticly. And that was the end of the conversation that he had with his mother. He always felt like she was the one parent he would share these things with! Everybody has one that he or she prefers to discuss touchy and delicate information with and this time he thought it would be her! She’s open, communicative, caring and thoughtful, especially in this situation you can never have too much of those things. His mom’s advice was great but she would have to be patient with him, he had wounds too and he needed to heal from these. He liked to take things slowly and so he was determined to think this through and be careful. He did have a past and Sarah seemed a little guarded and protective of herself. It’s not at all that she seemed uninterested but something about her was held back. She was dazzling and very attractive, almost mesmerizing; and so she just wanted to make sure she was on board as much he was, she was comfortable and he wanted to know more on where she was going in her life at this time. However, he was drawn to her in a super attractive way, in what she did in her life, in her beauty and her sweet way of talking; so if she wanted to be with him he was sure he could make that happen then and there! Time would tell because she seemed that very overconfident type, the kind that knew what they wanted out of life, but that might have meant she did not want it with him! So he thought he would take his mom’s advice lightly, cautiously, because Sarah was the girl of his dreams and he wanted everything to work out perfectly between himself and her. Sarah’s family was always a very pleasant one and everyone they met wanted to be around them. The Sheppard’s were sure a beauty to behold. They had five kids, a father, who’s a doctor but not like their grandfather who was a medical doctor; and a hardworking, dedicated mother who surely wanted the best for her children. She came from Jamaica, fleeing from war between the blacks and whites who were fighting, before she came to Canada at 18 years of age. Along with two other sisters in Canada, who were already settled and living there, she got herself a job in a bank! As her parents sat down one day, cups of tea in hand and gently placing them on the table - her husband always gets this prepared for both of them – they began to talk! First her cup, as she placed it gently on the kitchen table, her husband followed suit right behind her. It’s really not like them to not let their eldest daughter pursue her dreams, but this was a serious time for Sarah. She would be completing an education degree, John was trying to get into medicine and it was not working out for them at that time. He had a previously broken relationship and same with Sarah. So her parents felt that he should go away for a while and give her some space. The conversation he had with her father after meeting Sarah just a few times went like this!... “You want to date my daughter? Interesting,” Sarah’s father said. “Yes I do; she’s a very nice, sweet girl” said John. “Well tell me a bit about yourself, what is going on in life for you?” “I’m going into medicine, I play ultimate and I’m going to a church with a pastor named Galan,” says John. “But the thing is that I haven’t got accepted yet and I’m going to try for next year!” “What did you do for your undergrad because I understand you have to complete one to apply!” “I studied at Oral Roberts University for exercise science,” states John. “Well,” her dad says, “Sarah is also just getting into school so she needs to focus on that right now.” “Well I am too but we could help each other out and influence each other to do well, it would be good for both her and I in that way!” said John “Son, I’m thrilled for you guys but she does need her privacy or she gets distracted - she doesn’t need anymore of that.” As stated before, most times her father wouldn’t stop her from doing things she wanted to do but this time was a big commitment, that he didn’t want her to waste. In his eyes, separating them would help her focus. She was going into Education to be a teacher and John was obviously trying to make his way through medicine, so her parents told him of their excitement but also their reservation in them having any relationship at this time. Of course, this left John kind of bittersweet; and Sarah would be on their side because he would find out she didn’t think this is a good time to date either! So she’s very interested at this point but holding back for the sake of their future. Further, she has wounds from other men. The reader does not need to worry though, their future would one day be very bright. Don talked to his wife that night and they knew that this was the kind of guy that they always wanted for their daughter. He was of the right age, going into a respectable profession, one very cherished in their family and a very nice person. This was one thing Don would repeatedly say throughout this journey: “I like the guy.” John didn’t know that this would be the smoother side of the road, that there would be many challenges ahead of him in trying to secure her as his girlfriend and later on, wife! He was crazy about her. She was nice, she was beautiful and everything he ever wanted in a girl. But in this story, he would have to hold onto faith and hope for the best because the families would hold off from them being together for another eight years. He didn’t care though, which is why he would hold on to the very end for her. This was the kind of girl, he determined, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. So why did you leave the way you did? asked Sarah, looking at John in the eyes as she walked towards him for the first time in 8 years. “With everything going on in my life as well as yours, I had just got out of a painful relationship and did not want to burden you with my past,” he said. Well it turns out that I felt the same way! “How are you doing Sarah, it’s been a long time and I would love to hear all about it?!” said my John. “I am quite good, I have missed you but you were always on my mind, every second of every day; I am good now that you’re here. How about you John, what are you up to these days?” “I’m going into medicine, just doing a couple of courses to prepare myself for it.” “I got to say I was not expecting the doctor’s thing but that is so awesome” and we went on and on talking about their lives and what had brought them together. “I just want to say that I am not mad at you as I have been in the past, but all that has changed now; I don’t want you to have this negative cloud hanging over your face so please don’t worry about it. Even while I was mad, I still loved and wanted you so you should not be fearful of anything,” said Sarah. “Okay,” said John, “I love you.” And of course I said, “same, what I always say about you.” “Love you and can’t wait to do all kinds of fun things with you,” said Sarah. “What do you want to do?” said John And on we went, hands together and smiling away as we just basked in the arms of each other, my hands around his neck. Caressing his chest, to show my undying love for him, I began to tell him, “Oh John, how I have missed you and I am so glad that you here with me. When I think of what could have happened between us, and similarly what didn’t, I am so very happy with how it turned out between us some 8 years ago,” Sarah said to him. “You know it was all for you” he answered as she contemplated everything that had happened. She goes on, “I longed for you so many times, and if it weren’t for the books I was reading and the absolute generosity of people’s encouragement, I may have fallen apart!” ‘Yes, but you know I have been by your side and in love with you for all those years” “And you did not see any other woman as a potential love in all those years, my love, just to put that out there?” “I never loved a soul as I did then and do now and continue to as we get to know each other and spend time together, as years go by,” said he. “Honey, I think the hardest part was to see so many couples in front of me and never be able to share and express our love to each other, between you and I. What do you think about that?” she said. “I feel the same way, I wanted and loved you just as much as you did for me,” he said back. Let us go to the park and see if we can have a nice stroll,” said John, completing their conversation. After the stroll in the park, we decided to go out for lunch, and all the years we were separate I stumbled upon a restaurant called “the hidden restaurant;” I always wanted to go there as I walked by it some two or three times. It seemed perfect for us, with the feeling of being separate from the world because it was quite secretive-looking. The drapes of the window were covering it though not completely and the way the building for the restaurant was situated made it kind of look pushed back. It was quite hard to notice it there. Nevertheless, I did remember this restaurant and wanted him to take me to it some time we were back in town. So we went there and our union with each other was finally everything I wanted. It’s not like this scene of the restaurant is necessarily showing that we were so unaware of what was going on at the time we were in love, in that sense of being hidden. If we look at the restaurant as hidden as we see in its title, it did not necessarily mean that symbolically we were out of reality or not understanding what was really going on, like other women, other men etcetera; but we as a couple chose to believe this love was being protected, saved and thereby hidden from the world while we were separated. We had talked a lot over the years, that we were very glad no one sort of came between us, wrecked our love, got in the way of our love for each other, because of how we protected it, how it was hidden. “Can you imagine, as bad as that interference is today, how bad it would be if we didn’t have the freedoms that we’re dealing with now?” and he agreed with her, saying, “Yes, I do like the way that it turned out!”… We can see that everything I was looking for happened for us. There were things we needed to overcome but they got overcome. There were tears, hard times. We wanted each other but that was not enough, we really needed the time off to prepare our hearts and minds for each other. This was a very interesting and unique relationship that I would have with Michelle. It wasn’t about Sarah, Michelle or John. But it was about our healing, our protection and how we were going to love one another, the three of us. This was needed and would happen only by being apart, being in a state we didn’t want. However, it was not necessarily about getting what we wanted – to see each other, to get each other, to fulfill our destiny. It was about what was going on in the heart, turning our wounds into gladness, thankfulness and love. THE END